About a week ago, a Nexus commenter mentioned that I had literally no standards with regard to recruiting voice talent. Well, that just isn’t true. I did cast a goldfish to play Rongeir initially, but he died during recording. Something about being unable to breathe on dry land. So technically, I do have standards. The actors must be alive. After that, all bets are off.
Still, despite my limited standards, for some reason I seem to have trouble casting female beast roles. I’ve been trying to get a certain actor to voice a Khajiit for almost a year now, with little success. Then came this email:
Some might call this a joke. Or perhaps a clear message that filling this role is a Sisyphean task. Nevertheless, I am choosing to take this literally, and not in the Nexus commenter’s meaning of the word. I mean literally, literally. After all, this may seem like an impossible task, but I believe the gathering of 10,000 Egyptian souls is nowhere near as difficult as casting female beasts. And I’m going to prove it.
This is a race. Which will happen first, the delivery of 10,000 souls, or the casting of this role? We shall see. Here are the first five:
Soul #1 – This is an Egyptian boy named Billy. He was ahead of his time and predicted the popularity of the name “Billy” for young American boys before the name or America was invented. Unfortunately his drunken ramblings of the future and the rise of something called the “Hokey Pokey” resulted in him being branded a servant of the evil jackal god Set, and was subsequently tortured to death.
Soul #42 – This was a farmer’s daughter named Bahiti, which is Egyptian for “fortune.” Bahiti did indeed earn a fortune by the age of sixteen, by selling her soul to the wealthiest merchant in town.
Soul #955 – This soul was a bit of a voyeur. He would constantly spy on his neighbors. When he wasn’t doing that, he’d spend all afternoon on the roof of his house, studying the passersby go to and from the market. For this reason, many contend he was the world’s first Egyptologist.
Soul #7,143 – This soul is actually one of Egypt’s first celebrities. His name was Fenuku, which I think is Egyptian for “three-nippled.” While Fenuku did not achieve celebrity status during his lifetime, mostly due to his excessive nipple problem, centuries after being mummified he was cast in two separate but unrelated IMAX movies starring The Rock.
Soul #9,999 – This soul belonged to a brother of a Pharoah. His favorite things to say were “Let my people go” and “I’ll give you my slave whip when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.” He would later lead the Jews to freedom, whipping them across the Red Sea. God congratulated him briefly before killing him for having an uncircumcised penis.
5 down, 9,995 to souls to go. Or 1 Khajiit.