A Letter…Not Sure Who From

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Welcome to the second edition of our weekly mailbag. Since nobody called me on it in the last edition, I want to point out that these are all totally real people. Sure, all their previous comments on this website have been flagged as spam, but that’s because I don’t like them on a personal level.

Nope, no bots here, and I’m sure if you Google their names they will all have Facebook pages,Twitter handles, and a long history of not being usernames taken from spambots. Of course, if any non-real person wants to send in questions, you can send me a PM or email them to kristakahashi@gmail.com and I will link your website with your name.

On to the questions:

canada goose parka asks:

I was wondering if you can settle a debate between me and my friend. Everyone is familiar with the five second rule. You drop food on the ground, it’s good for five seconds. Any longer and you turn into a Draugr or something if you eat it. Anyways, I’m role playing as a white knight type, and the other day I knocked over a piece of cheese in the Palace of the Kings. I felt the honorable thing to do was to put it back on the plate. My friend says the proper move would’ve been to dispose of the food and recompense Ulfric with a market bought cheese wheel. However, I picked up the cheese within three seconds. What say you?

On the one hand, Canada Goose Parka, your friend might be right – not in spite of the rule but because of it. You have to remember that Skyrim is on a different time scale than real life. Given 1 game minute = 1 second, five game seconds would equal 1/12 of a second in real time (trust me on this, I’m Asian). Basically, if you took three seconds to pick up the cheese, in game time you let that shit sit there for three minutes before placing it back on the table.

On the other hand, you could make the argument that game time isn’t scaled, and the definition of seconds and minutes are different in TES than in real life. After all, while the 1 second = 1 game minute ratio makes sense, that would mean everyone is talking in slow motion because it takes an entire minute just to say “Well Met.” Perhaps in the world of video games, a day really is only 24 minutes long, the five second rule is the five minute rule, and Nirn orbits the sun on roller skates.

サプライヤー サンローラン asks:

In most fantasy genres you have multiple sentient species. In TES alone you have four different kinds of Elf. Why don’t we have that in the real world?

We did. There are other variant species in the genus Homo. In fact, neanderthals lived in Europe until about 40,000 years ago. We just done killed them all. Although I don’t think any of them had pointy ears. Just the jaws.

NFL Cheap Jerseys asks:

They say in the Sims you can cheat on your wife and then high-five her until she forgives you. While I have no tangible evidence to back this up, am I correct in assuming this is a poor simulation of reality?

Not necessarily. Life can imitate art just as easily as art imitates life. If she was a huge fan of the Sims and she’s familiar with that meme, her first reaction might be to laugh before kicking you in the nuts.

Viridiane once told me that if she ever broke up with someone she’d use the Rumarin line about Polydor and Eloisa and how they were torn apart by the cruel nature of the world. As in, “We have to break up. It’s not you…it’s not even me. It’s the cruel nature of the world.” If someone ever used that on me, I don’t think I’d even be mad. In fact, given I’d written the line, it’d almost feel like it was some sort of balancing of the cosmic books.

Michael Kors Handbags asks:

What would be your one bit of information that you would want to be able to see if you had a real HUD for day to day life?

We already have this I think, unless Google Glass is some kind of state-sponsored methamphetamine project. As for the HUD function specifically, there are plenty of applications for it I suppose, from keeping track of the time to your archenemy’s power level.  But I would leave it off, personally. I feel like it would just be annoying, like a stain on your glasses you can’t rub off.

Incidentally, I play games with as much of the HUD turned off as possible. Back when I was playing Skyrim, I got so good at knowing where the cursor was I could pick up a leek in a dark dungeon on a wooden plate with one eye closed. Granted, it takes a lot of practice. I think my first playthrough I spent half the game throwing away all the plates, bowls, and burned books I picked up from not having my cursor on the right item. Had I known about Gopher’s iHUD, I would’ve used that instead.

Of course, things change in this hypothetical scenario if your HUD has imaginary technology like detecting portals to Narnia and warning you when your date has a tribal tattoo. But realistically speaking the only useful things – like a wireless polygraph – would be morally sketchy, so all in all it’s not a technology I’m excited about.

Best Natural Male Enhancement asks:

My favorite Interesting NPC died three weeks ago today. He caught a stray arrow while fending off a Draugr horde, and adventuring hasn’t been the same since. They say time heals all wounds, but what does that even mean? You can’t heal the dead. So tell me, does the pain of grief lessen because we forget? Somehow that seems even sadder.

Well, if you look at life through a literal lens, everything is kind of fucked up. The truth is human beings cannot function without forgetting things, good or bad, joy or pain. While the goal is to have more of one and less of the other, in the end you will always return to that state of zero, where the past is nothing and the future is just out of reach. I guess what I’m trying to say is, open up the console, click on the NPC and type “resurrect,” that should take care of it.


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