Welcome to the fifth edition of our weekly mailbag. Again, all the letters below come from real spammers delivered via courier in the game Skyrim. Of course. it’s also a painfully slow system of communication. I got this Thanksgiving letter about three months too late. Damn, that courier is one lollygagging motherfucker.
Either that, or the Dark Brotherhood of Turkeys are a little slow on the uptake. But yes, I murdered that bird and poured gravy on it. It was tasty.
On to the questions:
HVAC repair asks:
People say horseshoes are lucky. Does that mean horses are four times as lucky as any other animal?
If you’re asking about real horses, I haven’t a clue. If you’re asking about Skyrim horses, I’d say it’s more skill than luck. Horses in Skyrim are gravity-defying, spider-stomping, all terrain vehicles. If there’s a mountain between you and your objective, there’s no need to go around it when you can fly over it on your magic, vertically running carriage.
MD flooring wants to know:
If Canada is America’s hat, what does that make South America?
The beard, of course.
dancing baby asks:
I am trying to write this character who loves old music, but the writing feels cheesier than a pizza and cornier than poop. How do I fix this?
Well, it may not need fixing. There are times I think a line is fantastic and yet when you say it comes out so clunky it’s raining pots and pans. Other times the reverse is true, where you can be unsure of a line and now people are quoting it on their blogs.
But for argument’s sake let’s assume it’s broken.
If you deconstruct it, a great line is a combination of words, delivery, and the one thing you can’t control, the listener’s personal taste. A cheesy romantic overture is going to be the greatest writing ever to a teenager in love, and the cringiest piece of purple prose to an elderly cynic.
What you can control is the actor’s delivery and the writing. For example, saying “I play a little gypsy folk” is a lot cooler than saying “I want to be a world-class accordion player.” If saying “Ragnar the Red is my favorite!” feels out of character, take them to a tavern and have them say “Hey, this music isn’t bad. What’s it called?”
Deathclaws are more powerful than Cazadors, but for some reason they’re less scary. Why is that?
I imagine part of it is cazadors’ proximity to Goodsprings. You have a chance of running into them at obscenely low levels. There’s also the fact that they can fly, but if Deathclaws had wings they’d look like fairies, so that can’t be it.
I think the real reason cazadors are so terrifying is because they will swarm you. It’s the difference between having a scorpion crawl up your arm or dipping your hand into a bucket full of flesh-eating ants. No thank you.
make money online asks:
Bethesda is hosting an E3 Showcase in Hollywood on June 14th. What do you think they will show?
Fallout 4, maybe. A new IP, possibly. And if you’re a truly cynical person, TESO related expansions. But your username would imply you aren’t totally against that.
Billig tannlege oslo asks:
I don’t understand why Zora tries to deliberately get captured. Is she just crazy or does she really enjoy being a victim?
The whole princess act is tongue in cheek. She’s poking fun at the damsel in distress trope, which in essence is poking fun at her former self.
As for why she keeps getting captured, first of all, it’s not on purpose. When you meet she tells you she was on her way to plant cotton for Zora’s field. She implies she does this often (and gets captured as a result) and it’s mostly a self-serving and superficial quest for fame. On the road, she might open up a little and mention she doesn’t go through Whiterun because she isn’t comfortable being looked at given her scars.
However, it isnt until you do her personal quest that she finally reveals the real reason she travels through Brittleshin Pass and risks getting captured. I think it has to do with horkers, but I’m not entirely sure.