Happy Birthday America!


Here’s some fake poster/cards I photoshopped of the three male followers in the bundle. As you may have noticed, for you have a keen eye for such things, they are colored red, white, and blue, the colors of America. Also France. And Liberia. And Taiwan. And Iceland. And North Korea. Okay, so maybe the color scheme isn’t entirely original, but the point is, nobody cares. Not here in America.

For today we dine on hot dogs and buffalo wings and other animals that we hunted to extinction. Why? Because we can. There are no sad toy pianos playing America the Beautiful, for it would burst into flames in protest. No, the music of freedom can only be heard through thunderous explosions, played via a symphony of illegal Chinese fireworks. There is nothing more American than that.

Dovahkiin Wine Labels

Freedom White

Few know that the Greybeards dabble in the fermentation of spirits, and not just the spirit of Dragons.  They also have a distillery hidden in the bowels of High Hrothgar.  Where they obtain the grapes for their wine is uncertain, but we can only assume that Ivarstead cannot be their only supplier of goods and supplies.  The Riesling above awakens the drinker to glory and freedom of the skies, and seeing the world as only a Dovah can.

For the Dragonborn the cellarmaster brewed a special red wine, one that speaks of courage, power, and celebration of life.  How fitting that “Zin” in Dragon means “Honor” for a Zinfindel.


And lastly, brewed by one of High Hrothgar’s young (and a bit lusty) apprentices, comes the Passion Port, guaranteed to bring out the beast in every Dovahkiin.  Enjoy this dark dessert after a savory course of barbequed bandit.

Passion Port

These are my actual labels for my first batches of wine.  Who knew a game could be so inpirational?

Forever Alone at the Top of the World


Let me tell you about a Nord named Hagravi. Found in Ivarstead. Face of a hagraven. Relationship status, unmarried. That’s right, not one person in the known cyberverse has married him. Can’t say the same for Veralene. Or Dagri’lon. Or Skjel. But not a bad guy. Perhaps it’s time you got to know him.

He once taught a horker to play the ukele. Unafraid to wear pink, but not a fan of pleather. Likes avocados. Autumn is his favorite season and word. Swears the best Vietnamese food he ever had was in a strip mall in rural Louisiana. Can tell Masser from Secunda. Respects his elders, mother nature, and a woman’s right to brawl.

Believes in honest pay for honest work. Likes to chew on straws of wheat. Favorite music is the sound of the ocean. Favorite book is The Odyssey. Has seen the world but isn’t annoying about it. Would turn off his cell phone in the movie theater if he wasn’t in the library. Still hasn’t read a book. Remembers an acquaintance’s birthday, might forget their name. Drinks his coffee black. Never speeds through a yellow light. Has a soft spot for orphans. Loves to laugh.

Only hunts for food, never for sport. Always lets the bugs outside, never squashes them. Bad with directions, good when you direct him. Won’t leave the toilet seat up a second time. Knows the difference between a Koto and a Guqin. Made chicken soup the night you got the flu. Dislikes the concept of autographs, prefers to shake your hand. Once said “I love you” on the first date and managed to not make it weird. Likes telling stories. Never gives away spoilers.

Will volunteer to use the shitty, knock-off controller. Never calls shotgun before the car is in range. Will sleep outside before crashing on your couch. Washes his hands before he cooks, covers his mouth when he coughs. Has a temper but rarely shows it. Prefers dogs to cats, but respects the feline’s sense of adventure. Cleans out the lint from the dryer. Takes out the trash without prompting. Calls it how he sees it. Believes breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Uses the constellations as a compass. Still bad with directions.

Always uses a coaster. Will hold his cup in absence of one. Will politely hand a mic to the next performer. Will never, ever, drop it. Always uses his turn signals before switching lanes.Thinks the gods are painters. Knows good art when he sees it. Forgave his parents for leaving him. Doesn’t blame Yoko Ono. Gives out the good candy on Halloween. Never owned a camera. Takes pictures with his eyes. Stores them in his heart.

Morndas Mug

barware-mug-es-morndas-fullThis was posted on Facebook’s Skyrim Modders United.  Now you can drink your skoo– (I mean… coffee, or cocoa) in style with your “I hate Morndas” mug!  Available now at The Bethesda Store.

Just don’t drink from it in the company of a certain thief who stole the day, cause she’ll have something snarky to say about it, mark my words.  If she could read, that is.  Do they make a braille version, because I didn’t see that on the store pages…  So I guess the only way she’d know is if you told her.  Come to think of it, she actually might laugh, that jaded, derisive laugh she has.   Then she’d go fishing.  Maybe in your own home, to show you how annoying Morndas can really be.

Sorry, my thoughts ran away for a bit.  I was talking about a mug, right?  Should have her mug on it instead of the Dragonborn symbol.  Okay, bad pun.  Don’t punish me!