LAURA LAFFERTY – GRANTLAND CASINO COMEDIAN

Hey everyone, my name’s Laura Lafferty, and yes, I have a name right out of a comic book.

Which makes sense because I’m technically a comic.
Not a book that you give to your kids, mind you, but the kind of comic that goes on stage and gets tomatoes thrown at her for a living.
That’s how we eat, you know. You think I’m being unfunny on purpose but nope. Just hungry.

I came down from New Reno as a favor for Mister Grant.
You all know the esteemed Mister Grant, right? Founder of this lovely…whatever the hell it is.
No really, I want to say it’s a casino, but you got naked dancers in the corner, me on stage, and well…it’s more like a buffet, isn’t it?
A confused, horrible, messed up buffet.
I’m beginning to think Mister Grant doesn’t really know what he wants out of this place.
Well, besides your money, but you knew that already.

The Strip is pretty crazy. A little too crazy, if you ask me. Ever been to Gomorrah? Wow. That place is wild.
I didn’t even stay that long. In fact, I took two steps in, got kicked out by the Omertas and still ended up pregnant.
Oh yeah, true story. I even went to the clinic to confirm. Ever been to the New Vegas medical clinic? They’re good people over there.
I go in there, and I tell the Doc, “I think I’m pregnant. Only, I don’t know how it happened. I just went in and out real quick.”
And she tells me, “Yeah, so did my ex-husband.”

Let’s talk more about Mister Grant, shall we?
I heard he’s so cheap, he lets his hair fall out so he could save on the haircuts!
No? No? Okay, how’s this. He’s so cheap, he doesn’t even “pay ” attention! I mean, how else do you think I can keep ragging on him?
Nothing? Really? Man, tough audience.

I dated a raider once. Yeah, true story. He was my second boyfriend.
My first was a suburban boy who turned out to be a cannibal, so I thought, “Maybe it’s time to see what else is out there.”
I don’t make very good choices in life.
Anyways, for our first date, this raider boyfriend of mine took me to his hideout.
And if you’ve ever seen one of their hideouts, you’ll notice they like to hang body parts all over the place like chandeliers.
So this guy, he’s talking about how all these corpses are gonna scare away intruders, and all this macho killer talk.
And he’s going on and on about fear and intimidation, but at no point does he address my first and only question: “What do you do about the smell?”
And he looks at me, looks back at the corpse, scratches his neck a few times and says…”What smell?”
Needless to say that was pretty much the nail in the coffin of that relationship.
Say what you will about cannibals, but at least they shower and know how to cook.

You ever hear of the The Thorn? Supposedly it’s this underground arena over in Westside.
It’s run by a really scary woman named Red Lucy. That’s a frightening name, isn’t it?
Her parents were smart to let her run the arena instead of her brother, Pink Marcus.
They’re like “We think it’s best to let Red Bloody Lucy handle the cage-fighting cazadors, Marcus, you go work in the vaults.”
I don’t mean to stereotype though. My friend John was a vault dweller, and he spent his workouts bench pressing deathclaws.
John was a scary guy to have in your house. Mostly because he was homeless, so if he’s in your home…bazing! He’s there to rob yoooooou.
Crap, that joke sucked hard.

Welcome, my name is Laura Lafferty, and I’ll be your entertainment this evening. Yeah, I know. Sucks for you.

Let’s try that again. Ahem. Hello, my name is Laura Lafferty, and I’ll be your waiter this evening.
“I’ll be your waiter,” Jesus. “Would you like a bag of flubs with your soup tonight sir? “

Hi, I’m Laura Lafferty, and I’m here to make you laugh.
How do I know? Well, it says so right in my holy freaking crap that’s awful. Scratching that intro.

Don’t mind me, I’m just gonna stand here chain smoking until I figure this out.

Hellos

Hey, you’re Mister Grant’s friend, right? How do you like the act?

Me and Grant go waaaaay back. Yeah.
Okay, maybe I met him last month. But if time is money, for the amount of caps I’m charging him, I feel like I’ve known him forever.

I’m getting paid a premium to work here, but the boss still doesn’t mind if I call him cheap.
That’s because I convinced him it makes the gamblers want to take his money.