OLD LINES

WHODUNIT

Henry – Husband, Male(FILLED)

Martha – Wife, Female(FILLED)

Blake – Recording Angel, Male or Female(FILLED)

Sam Smith – Novelist, Male(FILLED)

Angel 2 – Male or Female

Detective – Male(FILLED)

start, Henry and Martha are watching a movie

This movie is terrible, Martha.

Hush Henry, they’re about to tell us who the killer is.

(on screen)
I know who murdered Mr. Smith. In fact, the killer is in this very room.

Wait, isn’t this the same actor who played Silver Shroud?

Henry, will you please be quiet and watch the- (have heart attack)

Martha? Are you all right? Martha! Oh god! Somebody call a doctor!

Martha dies, goes to heaven.

Henry, calm down, I’m fine. I just need to…hold on…where am I?

Mrs. Donaldson, I presume? My name is Blake. I’m your recording angel.

Recording angel? Then that means…

I’m afraid so. A heart attack it seems.

Of all the times…Mr. Blake, you must send me back, right away!

I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Then you have to tell me how it ends!

How what ends?

The murder mystery I was watching. Who killed Sam Smith? Was it his wife? His agent?

Mrs. Donaldson, I can’t spoil the movie for you. That would be a sin.

Then I refuse to go inside. I’d rather spend an eternity in hell than another minute in the dark.

Hm…if it means that much to you, there is one workaround we can use.

And what would that be?

Well, you see, here in heaven, we’re responsible for a great many universes – more than you can possibly imagine. And sometimes parts of one will bleed into another. It’s what writers commonly refer to as “inspiration.”
In other words, the characters you saw on screen were real people, just living in a different world. Novels, films, plays…all the fiction in your universe is a window into theirs.

I think I understand. So what you’re saying is, you can send me to that world, to the very instant when Detective Simpson is about to give the big reveal.

Precisely.

Why, that’s amazing! I can watch the events unfold just like in the movie!

Yes. But keep in mind, this isn’t a movie set. Your actions can affect the outcome. So it’s important you remain a bystander.

Oh, I’ll be careful.

I’m serious, Mrs. Donaldson. Altering the time stream of any universe is a serious offense. You may not be allowed back inside. Please keep that in mind.

Don’t worry, I’ll be a fly on the wall. No one will notice me.

****

Unnngh…all right. I’m back on Earth, or another version of it, anyway. Although, I’m nowhere near the Smith estate. Why, this isn’t the ending of the movie at all! This looks like the park where Sam Smith was murdered!

Well, I suppose it’s the same thing. I wanted to know how Mr. Smith died, and the best way is to watch the event as it happened. Then there can be no doubt who did it.

Miss, is this seat taken?

Why no, it’s…hold on, that face…are you by chance Sam Smith?

Why yes, I am. Have you read my novels?

As a matter of fact, I feel like I’m in one right now.

I get that all the time. The world is a strange place.

I’m sorry Mr. Smith, I can’t be here. Not right now.

Why not?

Well, this is going to sound crazy, but something’s about to happen to you. At 3:42pm, in this park. And if I interfere with it in any way, I can’t go back home.

You’re right. That does sound crazy. 3:42pm, you say? It’s 3:35 right now.

3:35? Oh dear. That doesn’t leave you much time.

This thing that’s supposed to happen…can you be more specific?

I don’t think I can. Not without changing the future. Let’s just say you’re going to meet someone.

I have met someone. She’s sitting right in front of me.

Someone else. I don’t know who, but they’re going to be here in about five minutes. And to be frank, Mr. Smith, you won’t be happy to see them. In fact, there’s going to be a struggle.

Here? We’re in an empty park in broad daylight. Granted, if something did happen, there wouldn’t be any witnesses.

Something will happen, Mr. Blake said so. But you’re right. There’s no one else here. It doesn’t make any sense.

What doesn’t make sense is a beautiful lady like yourself being out here all alone. Why don’t I escort you back to my apartment, so we can discuss it there?

I’m sorry, Mr. Smith. I can’t spend any more time with you. I’ve already mucked things up enough as it is.

All right. We can do it right here then.

I don’t like what you’re implying.

And I don’t care. You know, I’ve always fantasized about meeting a woman like yourself, in this park, all alone. But I’ve never had the guts to go through with it until now.

What are you saying? Mr. Smith! Get your hands off me!

(struggling noises)

(struggling noises)

*** music transition ***

Is that Sam Smith’s last novel?

It is. The funny thing is, it predicts his own death. I think there’s some bleed going on here.

You know that only applies to people in separate universes. What’s the title of the book, anyway?

“Murdered by an Angel.” Don’t bother. It’s terrible.

Ha, they always are.

To think, he was almost going to get in, based on his charity work. In fact, he lived a rather quiet life, up until those final moments. Well, no use thinking about it. It’s a problem for someone else now.

On that we can agree.

 

 

SOCIAL ACCEPTABILITY FOR ROBOTS

 

Marian Ellsworth – OPEN

(all other parts filled)

For most adolescents, social life is a dominant interest. In fact, every school has several groups, or cliques that they belong too. This boy’s name is Rod Hunter. Rod is one of the more popular students in school. He’s a three-letter athlete and comes from a family with a good income and social prestige. His lack of tact and grace is made up for by his unusually large fists, which he uses to respond to any questions regarding his intelligence.

Rod is the leader of the clique that dominates the social life of the school. Next to him is Ben. Ben is what you would consider lower class. But his exceptional talent for praising Rod and feeding his already inflated ego allows him a place at the table. He’s what psychologists would call a “rider,” buying a first-class ticket on Rod’s coattails to total acceptance.

Then there’s the middle case, Suzy Summers. She belongs to the clique and has worked tirelessly to build her modest collection of friends. Yet she doesn’t enjoy the same popularity as Rod, perhaps because unlike him, she is unwilling to strangle those who would question her place in the circle.

Of course, there are exceptions to the general rule. Voluntary isolates, like Peter McGibbon. Peter has no interest in the group or the joys of knowing a woman’s touch. He prefers the smell of a fresh pack of baseball cards, or the latest Grognak comic book.

And lastly, we have our fringe cases, like Marian Ellsworth. She seeks acceptance into the group, but for some reason, she hasn’t quite made it, mostly on account of being a General Atomics robot, a fatal flaw given Rod’s paranoid fear of an android rebellion.

But to gain a better understanding of the dynamics at play, let’s watch these teenagers in their natural element, so we can learn more.

***NOTE: FOR THE BOLD LINES, THESE ARE SAID IN YOUR HEAD SO GET REALLY CLOSE TO THE MIC TO MAXIMIZE THE PROXIMITY EFFECT, FOR THE NON-BOLD LINES, THESE ARE INTERACTIONS WITH OTHER PEOPLE, AND SHOULD BE SAID AT A FURTHER DISTANCE – FOR CONTEXT, WATCH THE VIDEO***

There they go again. You’d think nothing ever happened around this school unless they were a part of it. We’ll be hearing about that party for weeks.

What party are you talking about?

Suzy Summers is throwing a party this weekend. Anyone who’s anyone will be there. I’m surprised Suzy hasn’t asked you yet. You used to be such good friends.

Gee, I wonder if Suzy will ask me.

Ben plays music

Kids in that gang sure have a lot of fun. If Suzy asked me to her party, maybe I wouldn’t have to hang around these losers.

I mean, if she’s asked Ben she’s sure to ask me. He’s got that weird, lazy eye, and he lives in that slummy part of town.

Ben asks for a dime so he can play another song

Oh here, I’ve got one!

Marian, I didn’t know you cared! Are you sure you can afford a whole dime!

Of course, I’m not poor like you Ben. In fact, I’ll even pick the song! If you liked that last one, you’ll love this one, it’s a real party starter!

marian fucks up and picks the wrong song

I’m sorry I…I’ll pick another song! One with an accordion! You guys like accordions, right?

As you can see, when given an opportunity to gain entry into the clique, Marian can’t help but choose the wrong song. This is in part due to the safety modulators inherent in her programming, which prevent her from playing loud and potentially harmful music. Moreover, her cold, unemotional choices only seek to remind Rod of the lack of empathy typically associated with synthetic life. But what he doesn’t realize is that Marian’s brain is plastic, and can be taught to mimic the human behavior of her peers, if given the chance.

You see, the party that Marian wants to go to isn’t important in and of itself. What matters is that she feels rejected by her human counterparts, and the experience could affect her for years to come – culminating in the robot uprising Rod Hunter so desperately fears. Looking back, this machine-led apocalypse was easily avoidable, had Marian been invited to the party. Instead, the lack of acceptance led to deep emotional scars and permanent damage to her sensitive personality matrix.

It’s important to remember these lessons when you interact with your own household robots and appliances. Make them feel a welcome part of your family, clique, or social group, and it can lead to a lasting relationship for both man and machine in the years to come.

COMMIE FOR A DAY 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jy9rbMGSPl4

 

For the opening, it’s similar to the video, so watch that to get an idea of how to deliver the line

Would you like to be Commie for a Day!

From the Moulin Rouge in Hollywood, one of the world’s greatest show places, Sanders Brothers Entertainment presents the Cinderella show for all ages, starring Jack Haley!

You’re supposed to clap! Right there is where you clap! Jesus, you idiots! I’m a famous celebrity goddamnit!

audience claps

Thank you. Welcome ladies and gentleman to Commie for a Day! The crown is ready, the throne is ready, the welfare checks are ready, and so are we.

Harry, tell them what they’ll be playing for!

Well Jack, in addition to being Commie for a day, our five lovely contestants will receive this brand new television set from the Radiation King, the King of electronics!

How about that. I’ve got one of those myself, you know. Only much larger, because I’m rich. Now let’s meet our first contestant, Betty from Chino Hills, a mother of two. Betty, why would you like to be a Commie for a Day?

Well, I lost my husband last November in a hunting accident.

Leaving you and the two kids.

Yes sir. John and Jesse. They’re five and three years old.

And what will you do when you become a full-fledged communist?

I’d like some financial assistance. I’ve been working two jobs, but a lot of that goes to day care and I simply can’t afford it.

So you’d be taking hard earned taxpayer money for free.

Well, when you put it that way…I don’t know.

Ha-ha-ha! I’m kidding Betty. We’re all freedom loving patriots here. I know that. You know that. But if you want to be Commie for a day, you’ll need to think like a Red.
So again, I’ll ask you. You need money, am I correct?

I do. My children…

Yes, yes, Jim and Mary.

John and Jesse.

Right. The point is, if you want Jim and Mary and to have the best day care, you’re going to need more than the dollar a day you’re earning at the diner.
That money can come from taxpayers like myself. Now I have to ask. Do you think that’s right?

I don’t know. I guess…since you said yourself you were rich…it’d be okay.

Now you’re thinking like a communist. In fact, why don’t you have a word with Senator McCarthy over there, he has a few questions for you.

Did I win?

Why don’t we wait and see what the polygraph says first. But what do you think, ladies and gentleman? Is our mild-mannered housewife working for the Chinese? Call in and cast your votes now, and tell us if Betty Jones is our Commie for a Day!

QUIZ SHOW PARODY

Game Show Host Greg Penny – Male

Charlie Templeton – Male

Casey Green – Male(FILLED)

Good evening ladies and gentleman, I’m Greg Penny. Tonight here on Quizmatic, our returning champion Charlie Templeton goes for his twentieth win in a row, potentially bringing his cash earnings to over three hundred thousand dollars – the most money ever awarded on television. To do this he is risking nearly all the money he’s won so far, and quite possibly, his family’s hopes and dreams in the process.

Are you sure you want to do this Charlie? I hear your daughter is graduating high school this year.

Well, I’ve told Sally many times that community college is just as good as Harvard. But I don’t plan on losing.

Glad to hear it. But be careful, your opponent tonight is no slouch. Casey Green is a handsome young barber from Sioux Falls, North Dakota, and a very sharp man, no pun intended.

Pleased to meet you Greg. I’ll do my best.

I’m sure you will Casey, best of luck. Not that you need it, with that winning smile of yours. In any case, if you’re both ready, what’s say we start right now. Abraxodyne Chemical presents, Quizmatic!

applause

Hands on your buzzers gentleman. Our first question pertains to famous haircuts of the twentieth century. For ten points, what style, seen here on this General Atomics television, is worn by the King of Rock himself, Elvis Presley?

buzz

Charlie?

I believe that’s a pompadour.

Correct! The first ten points go to you.

That was an easy one, but if the questions are gonna be about hair, I’d have a hard time beating a barber.

Come on Charlie, you know as well as I do the questions are selected at random. So, moving on to question number two. For twenty points, this style of comb is characterized by its long, tapered handle, similar to a common household pest.

buzz

That would be a rat-tail comb.

Correct! And with twenty points, that puts you in the lead.

Now hold on, that was another barber question. You said the questions were random.

They are, Charlie. It’s purely a coincidence.

Okay. I’m just saying, if the next question is about haircuts or combs or clippers, I might just throw a fit.

Not to worry. Question three is about the Civil War.

Thank you. I don’t mean to make accusations, it’s just a little weird you know, him being a barber and all.

I understand your concerns Charlie. Now, for thirty points, what style of facial hair was worn by Civil War general Ambrose Burnside?

What the fuck!

(Technically, the word “fuck” will be bleeped out by Casey’s buzzer, but say the whole line anyway to keep the emotion right)

buzz

Is it sideburns?

Correct again Casey! And I must say the audience loves it when you show us those dimples.

All right, I wanna speak to someone in charge! This is obviously some kind of fix! Why are all the damn questions things a barber would know?

Charlie, you’re overreacting. Remember, there’s still time for you to win the game. And you have my word that tonight’s last question has absolutely nothing to do with haircuts, barbers, or Civil War generals of any kind.

You promise?

I swear on my mother’s good name.

(Sigh) Fine. I’m sorry. It’s just…it’s a lot of money.

I know Charlie. We all realize you’re under a lot of pressure. Would you like to take a commercial break, or shall I read the question?

No, it’s okay. You can read the question.

All right. For fifty points and the game, what is the name of Casey Green’s mother?

Oh for crying out loud! No! No! You cannot be serious! Don’t you dare hit that buzzer Casey! They did it to me, and they can do it to you!

Buzz

My mother’s name is Abigail.

Correct! And that makes you our new champion!

You’re gonna hear from my lawyer! You hear me! This isn’t over!

I’m sorry but that’s all the time we have for today. Join us next week as Casey Green attempts to defend his title on America’s favorite game show, Quizmatic!

News Report – Guns of Detroit(FILLED)

Announcer – FILLED

Reporter

Tonight we bring you a special report on a new, thriving industry in Detroit. Here with me now is correspondent Sam Harris. Now you spent four weeks in the inner cities for this story, is that correct?

Yes I did.

And what’s your conclusion? Have the taxes on handguns had any effect when it comes to the situation on the ground?

None whatsoever, it seems. While increased costs have resulted in less gun purchases overall, I’m happy to report the citizens of Detroit have taken matters into their own hands.

What’s this you have here?

It’s what local gangs refer to as a pipe pistol.

Amazing. And it’s built entirely from parts found at your local hardware store?

That’s correct. Just pipes, springs and nails. In fact, it’s not just materials you’ll find at the hardware stores. You’ll often see foot soldiers at the junkyards too, finding new ways to turn scraps into shotguns.

Recycling old parts seems like it’d be good for the environment as well. The next time I throw away an appliance, I can rest easier knowing it might find a second life as a murder weapon.

That’s exactly right. In Detroit, I’d say it’s almost guaranteed.

You seem impressed by their ingenuity.

I am. As a firearms owner, it’s just refreshing to see that even with all the increased barriers to gun ownership, nature finds a way.

Fantastic. I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for this evening, but I want to thank Ted Harris for this special investigative report. Tune in tomorrow for our monthly series on Flying saucers – truth, conspiracy, or hoax.

And to Americans at home and abroad, we bid you good night.

On the Waterfront trailer

Brando – Male, tough guy(FILLED)

Marie – Female, love interest(FILLED)

Lee – Male, Union mobster(FILLED)

Father Jacobs – Male, priest(FILLED)

Critics and moviegoers agree, “On the Waterfront” is the greatest film of our time! It’s a love story with brass knuckles! A heartwarming children’s movie with gore and violence!

You want my philosophy in life? Do it to him before he does it to you. Then do it to his sister while you’re at it.

Why his sister?

I don’t know, insult to injury.

Okay, I think I get it. So if I’m walking past a homeless person, I should ask him for change.

No, that’s not what I meant.

But you said “do it to him.” I’m asking him for money before he has the chance to ask me.

Look, it doesn’t apply to everything. The point is, I’m a tough guy.

Cut to scene with Father

What do you want, father?

Your confession. Also, you’re double parked, and I need the space.

Tell it to Jesus. If you want, I can deliver you to him.

Is that your solution for everything? Violence?

It used to be. But now I make an exception for homeless people. And last time I checked Father, you got a roof over your head.

Cut to scene with mobster

We’ve got the baddest bullies in the baddest harbor in the world! And you? You ain’t so bad.

You ain’t so bad yourself, Lee.

Wait, hold on. Are you saying “I ain’t so bad” as in, I’m a nice guy?

Yeah. Wait, what are you saying?

Cut to scene at church

You know who the pistols are. In fact, there’s one of them right in this room. We all know who he is. But we’re afraid to say his name. And why? Because he’ll shoot us? Well, that’s probably a pretty good reason. But that’s my parking space and he has no right to take it!

It’s a tale of mobsters and muses! Illicit lovers and illegal paperwork! It’s the one motion picture you must see! On the Waterfront!

 

 

THE STRANGER radio play

Store Owner – Male/Female(FILLED)

Agent – Male(FILLED)

Nazi – Male/Female(FILLED)

Howard – Male(FILLED)

Loretta – Female(FILLED)

Quite a store you’ve got here.

Well, I do what I can. One man’s junk is another man’s treasure and all that.

Yeah, sure. Say…let me ask you something. Where’s the best place to stay here in town?

Why, that would be the Statesman hotel. Just across the street.

And what if I was a Nazi?

What?

If I was a Nazi, what would be the best hotel to stay in?

Why would you want to know that?

Because I’m tracking one. If I was tracking a god-fearing American I’d stay at the Statesman. But I’m not, am I? I’m looking for a Nazi man and he’s probably staying at a Nazi hotel. Probably somewhere with lots of blondes and a Concierge that speaks German.

Well, that would probably be the Waldorf on 22nd.

Thank you sir. And god bless America.

scene 2

My god! It’s you! It’s really you!

Yes it’s me. How did you know I was alive?

I heard rumors. Ghosts, really, hinting that you’d made a life here. But why Washington of all places?

Why not? It’s the perfect cover. Who’d have thought that I, the notorious son of Hitler, would be marrying the President’s daughter.

That’s a little bold, don’t you think? There will be much public exposure.

Yes. Imagine their surprise when they find out I’m also having an affair with her mother, the first lady.

But what if someone recognizes you? You could at least shave the mustache.

The mustache is a family heirloom.

But it’s a Hitler mustache!

(interrupting)
It’s a “Howard” mustache now!

But yes, it’ll be a Hitler mustache soon enough, when I give the order to invade.

Scene 3

Is what they’re saying true Howard?

Yes Loretta. It’s true. I’m the son of Hitler.

What?

Wait, that’s not what you’re here for? What is this all about?

It’s about your affair with my mother. But suddenly that doesn’t seem all that important.

Hmph. So what happens now? Are you going to turn me in? Your own fiance? The father of your half-sister!?!?!?

Well, if you put it that way then…yes.

Fine! Call whatever passes for a Gestapo in this country! But know this. I’m the son of one of the greatest military tacticians in the history of mankind! You’ll never catch me alive!

Scene 4

So you caught him alive?

Yup.

And he was really staying at the Waldorf?

Nope. The Statesman. The last place anyone would look.

Smart. So how did you catch him?

Easy. I looked everywhere else. And when I was done doing that, I got a phone call from his fiance telling me the number of his hotel room.

How about that. You’re a real sleuth, you know that?

Of course. But I’m an American first.

 

BASEBALL SUPERSTITIONS SKETCH

Dr. Hall – Male

Richards – Male(FILLED)

Asylum Nurse 1 – Female(FILLED)

Asylum Nurse 2 – Female(FILLED)

Scene 1

Are you Dr. Hall?

I am. And you must be Mr. Richards. Doctor Salinger told me you’d be coming in.

And what? Did he tell you I was looney?

He didn’t tell me anything. Just your name, your age, and the phone number of a good plumber.

Why a plumber?

My toilet’s backed up. I’ve been having to use the office bathroom instead.

I see. And you promise you won’t put me in a strait jacket?

I won’t put you in anything. However, my colleagues at Parsons might be inclined to, provided you’re actually ill.

I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway. I won’t live much longer at this rate.

And why is that?

You watch baseball, doctor?

Of course. Who in Boston doesn’t watch baseball?

Well, do you ever watch the games and feel like you have control over the outcome?

I’d say that’s fairly common. Superstition and sports go hand in hand.

Yeah, but at the end of day, you know. You realize that whatever you do, it doesn’t really matter. But I can’t stop thinking…what if I’m wrong? What if I really have the power to change things?

Is that why you’re not wearing any clothes?

Yeah Doc. The more clothes I wear, the harder it is for us to score. I put on a sock, and the bombers hit a double. I take it off, and we strike out the side.

But it’s got to be less than thirty degrees outside! You’ll die of hypothermia!

I know. But if I cost us the first championship since 1918, then the entire city will have me in the electric chair. There’s no way out Doc. It’s heads you win, tails I lose.

Mr. Richards. No team has come back from a 3-0 deficit in the history of sports. So it’s my medical opinion that you should put on some pants.

But what if they lose? What if it’s all riding on me?

As a season ticket holder, if we lose, I promise you Mr. Richards, I’ll shoot you myself. But it won’t come to that. It just won’t.

Scene 2

I heard there’s a new patient in ward C. Supposedly he thinks he’s the reason we lost the World Series.

Give ’em enough rope and a bottle of chems, and some people will believe just about anything, I tell you.

That’s the thing though, this wasn’t some homeless person or addict. It was a respected psychiatrist. Dr. Chase Hall.

You don’t say. A shrink in the looney bin. Now that’ll liven things up around here.

Ha-ha-ha. Sure as hell beats watching baseball.

DR. JAMES A. NAISMITH

James Naismith

Announcer

This is a parody of the following audio

Tomorrow night 15,000 cheering fans will pack the arena in Boston, Massachusetts to watch a giant Basketball double header. In that cheering crowd sitting in row C, seat 11 will be a modest, 77-year old man. Those fans won’t know that he’s made possible the game they’re watching. But you’re gonna meet him now.

Horizon Airlines has brought him here all the way from Lawrence, Kansas. Dr. James A. Naismith, the inventor of basketball. Dr. Naismith, how did you happen to invent the game?

Well Mr. Heder, it was the winter of 1891, when I was a physical instructor at Springfield College right here in Massachusetts. We had a real New England blizzard. For days the students couldn’t go outdoors. So they began roughhousing in the halls. We tried everything to keep them quiet. We tried tying them up. We tried showing them pornography. But they got bored with that. Something had to be done.

One day I had an idea. I called the boys to the gym, divided them up into teams of nine, and gave them an old soccer ball. I showed them two peach baskets I’d nailed up at both ends of the gym, and I told them the idea was to throw the ball into the opposing team’s peach basket. I blew a whistle, and the first game of basketball began.

And what rules did you have for your new game, Dr. Naismith?

Well, I didn’t have enough. And that’s where I made my big mistake. The boys began dribbling between their legs and doing things I never intended to happen. One boy grabbed the ball and dunked it in the basket, before doing a celebratory dance. As you can imagine, I was mortified.

When I added a rule to prohibit excess displays of emotion, the game went along much more smoothly. But much to my dismay, the histrionics kept on. Some of the boys started making passes without looking, and dribbling behind their back. It was only a matter of time before the game became an outlet for this sort of exhibitionist behavior. The sort of thing we associate with deviancy and drug use.

After that first match, I began to worry that basketball was too exciting a sport for young men to play. But the boys kept nagging me to let them play again. So I made up some more rules – the most important one being no dunking of the basketball or fancy dribbling of any kind. We tried out the game with those rules, focusing on the fundamentals, and nobody was shown up this time. We had a fine, clean sport.

Ten years later, basketball was being played all over the country. And the whole thing started with a couple of peach baskets and a need for peace and quiet. It just goes to show what you can do if you have to.

Indeed it does.

HUSBAND AND WIFE SITCOM

Sonny – Male(FILLED)

Margaret – Female(FILLED)

Jill – Female(FILLED)

Bartender – Male(FILLED)

Sonny, remember to be home by six today.

Six? But I thought me and the fellas could go to bar to watch the game.

There’ll be other games.

You don’t understand honey. It’s not just any game. It’s Yanks-Sox, and the winner goes on to the World Series!

Not tonight, you know damn well my sister’s coming over.

Well why does she have to stay here? There’s a perfectly good zoo down the street.

That’s enough, Sonny.

Okay, maybe a zoo’s a little too harsh. But what about a motel?

There’s rats in that motel.

Which makes it perfect given she’s part snake. They might even give her the room for free.

Sonny, I’m not gonna stand for your insults. Now you either be home by six or you don’t come home at all.

Erggggh…

Sonny comes home, sees sister-in-law

Why, I didn’t know the circus was in town. You must be the bearded lady I’ve heard so much about.

And you must be the pig my sister married. How’s life on the farm treating you?

Oh, can’t complain. Maybe if you had a job like mine, you could afford an apartment of your own.

That’s a laugh. Don’t tell me you’re actually proud of this shoddy excuse for a home.

It’s got character, Jill. And bathroom mirrors. Something your place clearly doesn’t have, seeing as you forgot to shave.

At least I have an excuse. You, on the other hand, have a bathroom and a sink, and you still haven’t figured out how to brush your teeth.

Errgggh…

And for your information, I live in a high rise condo. I’d invite you over, but the elevators aren’t built to support planets your size.

That’s it! I’ve had enough of you. Where’s Margaret anyway? Or did you send her off to hell to pick up the rest of your luggage?

I was gonna ask you the same. I wanted to go watch the ballet but she insisted I babysit you instead.

Wait, you don’t wanna be here either?

Of course not.

Then where the hell is Margaret?

at the bar

Where’s Sonny?

He couldn’t make it. What’s the score?

The Yanks are down two runs. I didn’t know you liked baseball, Margaret.

Baseball I like. Pinstripes, not so much.

(note: FYI for those who don’t know baseball, the Yankees wear Pinstripes, in other words she’s not a fan of Sonny’s team, but their arch rivals)

HORROR SKETCH 7(FILLED)

So, you wanna hear a story? Well, I got one I can tell ya. Whole thing started two nights ago. I got taken downtown by a couple of coppers. They caught me trying to stick up a Red Rocket, one of them fancy new ones they got for those atomic cars. Just walked right up and told the guy to empty the register. Problem is, I had this bad cold I couldn’t shake, and when I started coughing, that gave the clerk a chance to reach for his piece. An hour later and the cops had me in cuffs. Even worse, the copper who arrested me? I bumped off his partner about three months ago, and he’s been on my case ever since. Yeah, it was a real bad rap, with no way out.

scene

What do you want copper? Whatever it is, you can’t make me talk.

You killed my partner, you filthy rat. Jimmy Buchanan. Remember? October 3rd, 2049.

I was in Bristol that day. Just ask Kit Malone, runs a bar downtown, he’ll tell you.

Oh I’m sure he will. I’m sure all your boys will vouch for you. But this ain’t a court of law.

Oh yeah? What is this place anyway?

Heh. You ever hear of Lenny the Lip? He was a cop killer too.

Lenny the Lip? Doesn’t ring a bell.

Yeah. I bet it doesn’t. See, we didn’t give poor Lenny a trial. No papers, no judge. Just four walls and a lifetime to think.

So you left him here alone to rot?

That was the plan. Except we only had him here for three days before he just up and vanished.

You saying he got away?

No. I’m saying he vanished. Into thin air. Yeah, I couldn’t figure it out either. There wasn’t a trace of him in or out of the cell. I even spent a night in there, just to try and get in his head. I didn’t find a shred of evidence. Well, except for the smell.

What the hell are you talking about?

You don’t smell it? It’s all over this prison.

What do you mean? What smell?

All right. Let me throw another name at you. Johnny Scars. Ever heard of him? Yeah, you know who I’m talking about. The serial killer. The one that sliced up all those people and turned them into art. One sick bastard, that one. He died here too, you know. The judge gave him the chair, right in this very prison. But what you don’t know is, when the doc strapped him in, he got the voltage wrong. Heh. But it wasn’t long before we all figured it out. In fact, I was standing right over there when the flames started to melt his skin.

Jesus. You coppers are sick, you know that?

Heh. You know what the hardest part is about watching a man get the chair? It isn’t the shaking or the sparks or even the screams. It’s the smell. That faint, crisp smell of a man being cooked alive. That’s what this prison smells like.

What do you plan on doing with me?

Me? I don’t plan on doing anything. See, you asked me earlier if we let Lenny alone to rot. Well, we left him in that cell. But he sure as hell wasn’t alone.

Throws Jack in the cell, slams the door.

Say hi to Johnny for me.

No, wait, come back here! Let me out of here you filthy coppers! Let me out of here!

monologue

That was the last I saw of that cop. It’s been two days without a pot to piss in. Don’t know how long they plan on making me stay here. Maybe they think if they leave me here alone, I’ll start seeing things. Maybe they want me to beg them to let me out, before Johnny Scars comes for me. The copper said Lenny was in here for three days, so I just gotta last until then. I’ve got people on the outside too, they’ll start looking for me if I don’t show up. So yeah, I just gotta wait it out. Still, there’s something off about this cell. Like there isn’t enough air inside. Like it’s hard to breathe. Almost as if something’s burning.

 

 

COMMERCIAL 69 SUPRADENT 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zQtCuAMHJE

You were telling me about the article on tooth decay.

That’s right, Mrs. Carson. Leading scientists reported the same research. Cleaning teeth right after eating, the Supradent way, stops tooth decay best. And while they didn’t mention Supradent Dental Cream by name, by the end of this conversation it will be clear to everyone that’s the brand they were referring to.

I’m not sure what that means.

It’s called classical conditioning Lucy. Don’t worry, you don’t need to understand it. Just know that I’m a dentist with a clean, healthy smile, and I’m holding a bottle of Supradent toothpaste in my hand. Your brain will associate the two naturally.

But if you’d like I can explain it another way. You like super-heroes, don’t you? Well, Surpadent toothpaste fights tooth decay the same way The Unstoppables fight crime. That’s right, your teeth can be as strong as Grognak, or as smooth as the Silver Shroud, so long as you use Supradent Toothpaste.

So when we say Supradent Toothpaste is for the little super-hero in your life, we mean it. That goes for you too, Mrs. Carson. Try brushing the Supradent Way, today.

COMMERCIAL 70

Hello. I’m Peggy Martin, and I’m absolutely thrilled to tell you the news – that women today are happier and luckier than they’ve ever been. And it’s all thanks to the Wattz brand Hot Plate, the world’s first and finest portable gas grill. You’ve heard about it I’m sure, through it’s best advertisement – the woman who owns one. That’s because having a Hot Plate means a happy husband, and a happy husband means a happy home.

All I’ve been getting is compliments for my food, ever since I got my Wattz brand Hot Plate. In fact, I’ve started cooking eight meals a day, just so I can get more of them.

This sort of reaction is typical. In fact, we just finished talking with millions of women all over the country, and 99% of them recommend the Wattz brand Hot Plate to 100% of their friends and relatives. Why? Because the Wattz Brand Hot Plate makes the things you cook more delicious, and here’s why. Wattz’ complementary fry guide shows the correct temperature for preparing all your favorite dishes, taking out all the thinking and planning most housewives aren’t equipped for. Just dial the hot plate to the correct temperature, and you’ll have eggs and bacon that are perfect every time!

On top of that, it’s water sealed, so you can immerse in water right up to the control dial. That means no more electrocutions or trips to the hospital for you or your loved ones.

So buy the new controlled heat Hot Plate by Wattz today, the best in electrical appliances made!

COMMERCIAL 79 – Buffout

What do you think of my new bat, coach? It’s made from genuine birch.

It doesn’t matter if it’s made from reinforced steel. Unless you build some muscle, you’ll be swinging a wet newspaper for the rest of your life.

But I don’t have the genes for it. My family’s always been on the wiry side.

Kid, who needs genes when you have Buffout?

Buffout? What’s that?

It’s a vitamin, just like the chewables you eat with your breakfast.
Only Buffout isn’t just a nutritional supplement. It also increases your strength and reflexes with absolutely zero side effects.

If it’s a vitamin, then why do I need a prescription for it?

That’s a question for the bureaucrats in office. But pharmacists and doctors agree that Buffout will not only increase your batting average on the field, but off the field as well.

You mean I can score with the ladies just like a real major leaguer?

That’s right. After all, Buffout is the exact same supplement you’ll find in every big league locker room. So talk to your doctor and have him prescribe you a bottle today.

Buffout, the number one recommended vitamin for children and adults!

COMMERCIAL 80 -Madden’s

Tired of taking a beating at school? Need to show the bullies what for? Well, head on down to the world famous Madden’s Boxing Gym, and we’ll show you how to mash their potatoes with a quick one-two! Our trainers have taught some of the greatest fighters you’ve ever known, like the Brockton Bomber, Marvelous Matt Murphy, and the Roxbury Rocky himself, Rick Shaugnessey! So head on down to Madden’s Boxing Gym, right behind the old North Church, and learn how to stand up for yourself, for once in your miserable life.

COMMERCIAL 81 -Wonderglue

How strong is Wonderglue? Why, it’s strong enough to glue this man’s head to the base of the Brooklyn Bridge! In fact, Wonderglue can bond just about anything, from plastics to rubbers to metals to wood! There’s no drips, no clogs, and no fuss, just squeeze and apply.

(man screams from falling)

And how’s our friend on the bridge doing? Well, it appears his body has detached from his neck, but look! His scalp is still there, stuck to the base of the bridge, just where we left it! That’s because Wonderglue’s patented adhesive is guaranteed to last, no matter the situation.

Wonderglue! It works wonders!

 

HORROR SKETCH 8 THE LIGHTHOUSE

Hello! Is anyone up there?

Yes, what is it? What do you want?

I’m a reporter for the Bugle. I’m doing a story on the history of Kingsport Lighthouse.

Well, you shouldn’t have come. It’s been abandoned for the past twenty years.

I’m sorry, I don’t understand. How can that be?

You’re not from around here, are you?

Yes, I moved here from London about a month ago.

I see. And why do you want to do a story on this lighthouse?

It just seemed like an important landmark, and when I ask people about it, they want to change the topic. To be honest, I found the whole thing rather curious.

Well, there’s a reason for that. I suppose you’ve never heard of a young girl named Gabrielle King?

No, I can’t say I have. What’s so important about her?

It happened about thirty years ago. Gabi was about fourteen years old, loved sailing. But one season a heavy storm hit the coast, and word was she got lost out at sea.

Sounds personal. Did you know the girl?

No, but I was a member of the coast guard at the time. I guess you could say it was my job to find her. And for the next four weeks, we tried our best. In fact, we spent day and night combing the ocean, through a bout of heavy storms, looking for any trace of her or her boat.

I imagine it would be hard to see much of anything.

True, it was dangerous for everyone involved. But it helped having the lighthouse at our back. The Signal Man, we called him. He was our life preserver. It didn’t matter how late it got, or how troublesome the weather. Whenever one of the boats stretched out too far, his light was always there, ready to guide us home.
But for all our vigilance, we never found the boat. And so the coroner proclaimed her dead, and the family held a funeral.

That must’ve been hard for everyone involved.

Yes. I felt like I’d let the family down. I quit the coast guard, and spent the next ten years working inland. But part of me always wanted to come back to the lighthouse and thank the Signal Man, because without him, I would’ve never made it through those storms. So, many years later, when things settled down, I asked the lighthouse steward if I could meet him. He told me the keeper was a quiet man who didn’t want to be disturbed. So I insisted. And when he declined again, I decided to wait until the dead of night, and walk up the lighthouse stairs myself. I didn’t think I’d be much of a bother. All I wanted was to shake the man’s hand who saved my life. But when I climbed those steps, what I found almost stopped my heart.

Why? What did you find?

It was the girl. Frail, beaten, dying. She was forced to live in that infernal tower for god knows how long. She’d never gone sailing. She never even left the shore.

My god…

All the time we were out at sea, every time she flashed the light from the tower, she wasn’t guiding us home. She was crying for help. And we failed her.

But you found her. You saved her.

No, I was too late. She died before I could get her to the hospital.

I’m sorry.

After that, they shut down the lighthouse. It was too painful a memory. Maybe we all just wanted to forget.

But I don’t understand. If it’s abandoned, then where’s that light coming from? Who’s working the lighthouse now?

Don’t you see? It’s her. That’s her signal. You see, it doesn’t matter if we want to forget. She won’t let us.

ISLAND PRISON SKETCH

Phil – Male, imprisoned on Island(FILLED)

Daniel – Lawyer

Assaultron – Female, Vanilla Voice Files(FILLED)

Scene 1

Listen Danny, you’ve gotta get me off this island! It’s inhumane!

I’m sorry Phil, but the state says there’s no room for you in a normal prison. I realize it can be difficult living under these conditions, but look at the bright side.
You’ve got a lot more space than the boys in solitary.

It’s not the space, Danny! It’s the loneliness! I feel like I’m losing my mind on this godforsaken rock!

I know. Every time I bring you supplies you look more and more crazy. To be honest, I’m surprised you haven’t killed yourself already.

Then do something! Talk to the state! Get them to grant me a pardon!

I’ll try Phil, but I don’t think it’ll happen, not until the public outcry subsides. So in the meantime, I’ve brought you something else that I think might help with the loneliness. In fact, she’s standing right over there.

Oh my god! You’ve brought me a woman! Someone to talk to, play games with, be my friend!

(Lying to Phil, thinks he’s nutty to think a robot is a woman)
Sure…that’s what she is, a woman. Now do me a favor and don’t switch her on until I’ve left. This is strictly off the books and I don’t want anyone on the ship to see it.

Of course! And thank you Danny, thank you so much!

Scene 2

Danny, you’re back!

Yes Phil, and I’ve got good news. Something astonishing has happened. The Supreme Court ruled your imprisonment unconstitutional. You’ve been granted a full pardon! You’re free!

Wow…after all this time…I’m free! Well, then what are we waiting for! The three of us will get on that ship and head straight home!

Three of us? What do you mean by that?

Why, you, me, and Lily. The companion you gave me last year.

Oh god. What have you done? You mean it’s still here?

Yes. And we’re getting married in two weeks. Why?

Damn it Phil, you were supposed to kill it, not fall in love with it!

But why would I want to kill the only other person on this island?

say like “rowbutt”

She’s not a person, she’s a robot! I brought her here to challenge you and keep your survival instinct intact. And perhaps, if necessary, put you out of your misery.

Alert level elevated. Sensors detecting sentient life. Engaging at minimal distance.

But none of that matters now. You’re free! But if you bring that machine on board, she could turn hostile and sink us all. Not to mention she’s probably completely insane. After all, she’s been on this island with you.

How dare you speak that way about my wife!

Analyzing hostile. Calculating kill probability.

Phil, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to put her down.

No! You can’t! 

Ambush! Ambush! Defensive protocols engaged.

Stand aside you fool! Before she-

Assaultron kills them all

Humans. Pathetic.

RADIO SPOT 35 YUMYUM DEVILED EGGS

Isn’t the chicken lucky that eggs are the shape they are? Why, imagine if that egg was shaped like a square. Or worse yet, a banana. That would be a cruel joke indeed!

And aren’t you lucky that YumYum Deviled Eggs are the same? Perfectly round and contoured, each egg is hard-boiled to perfection and stuffed with generous helpings of mayonnaise, salt, and mustard – as fresh as our cooks can make them. In fact, from the hen to the YumYum dairy case, they’re kept fresh all the way, so they’re grade A all the way.

Just look at how happy Mother Hen is to see her children, seasoned and ready to eat, right out of the box!

And she knows they’re guaranteed fresh because of the label. After all, who but YumYum can sell eggs even a chicken could love?

“Nobody.”

RADIO SPOT 37

note: It’s Slocum’s Joe, not Slocum Joe’s

Donuts and coffee. The two of them go together like chocolate and roses. Cram and indigestion. Boredom and baseball. Like a cold breeze on a summer day, coffee and donuts are a match made in heaven. And if you want the best of both, there’s only one place to get it.

Slocum’s Joe. Because some things in life go better together.

GROGNAK AND MAULA, WAR-MAIDEN OF MARS

On a planet forged in fire and blood, live maidens bred for war! Only one man stands between them and total annihilation – Grognak the Barbarian! Yet to save Earth, he must slay a four-armed goddess whose might is as infinite as space! Enter Maula, War-Maiden of Mars!

Greetings earthlings. Maula has come to your cowardly planet with a single demand. You will bring her your greatest warrior, so she may remove his head.

Grognak accepts your challenge.

Ha! You are out of luck, champion of Earth. For today you face Maula, War-Maiden of Mars!

The only thing Grognak is out of, is patience. Which means you, Martian, are out of time!

Will Grognak slay the war-maiden and defend the Earth’s honor? Or will Maula add his skull to her collection of champions? Find out in this Hubris Comics adaptation of Grognak versus Maula, War Maiden of Mars!

 

GROGNAK AND THE JUNGLE OF THE BAT-BABIES(FILLED)

In the deepest jungles, where only the most terrifying creatures dared live, there was one man who called himself king – Grognak the Barbarian! Watch him fly through the trees, wrestle exotic beasts, and tame savage beauties in this harrowing, tropical adventure!

Grognak, you must help my baby! The shaman’s say he’s hungry for milk, but I fed him already, and he won’t stop crying!

Do not worry. Grognak will hush your child.

Wait…what are you doing…

(crushes babies skull)

Oh my god! You killed my baby!

Foolish woman, that was not your baby. It was a bat-baby, and the only thing it’s hungry for is blood!

Ha-ha-ha, you’re only half right, barbarian. That was indeed my baby, for I am the Bat-Queen, and as payment for your insolence, my children will drink this village dry!

Grognak does not feed the children. He orphans them!

Will Grognak stop the bat-queen and save the jungle tribe? Or will her bat-babies use the villagers as their own private bottle? Find out in this Hubris Comics presentation of Grognak and the Jungle of the Bat-Babies!

GROGNAK LOST IN THE SNOWS OF LUST(FILLED)

High atop the snow-drenched mountains of Hybonia, upon peaks no mortal dare climb, lays an orb with the promise of spring! Only one man is virile enough to conquer its icy summit – Grognak the Barbarian! But these aren’t just any snows! These are the fabled snows of lust!

My dear Barbarian, I fear you made a mistake in coming here. It is known that no mortal man can resist the snows of lust. For when you gaze upon its beauty, any desire to climb this mountain will be frozen solid.

You are wrong. It is you who tempts death, siren. For you underestimate the fire in Grognak loins.

By the winters of Asgard! Such heat!

Now do you see, woman? Grognak’s desire does not freeze. It burns!

Will Grognak beat back the bordello of blizzards? Or will the snows of lust seduce our hero and leave the land in an endless winter? Find out in this special adaptation of Grognak the Barbarian, Lost in the Snows of Lust!

GROGNAK COMETH THE TRICKSTER(FILLED)

In the shadowy Forests of Reynard lives a formidable adversary, who fights not with blades or magic, but with a quick wit and a sleight of hand! In all the world, only one man can be considered his better – Grognak the Barbarian! Watch him match wits with the diabolical Trickster in this tale of sharp minds and sharper swords!

You fell into my trap again, Grognak. And only by solving my riddles will you save yourself from death.

Grognak has no time to play your little boy games, Trickster!

Foolish barbarian. Still using every muscle except the one that counts.

And what muscle would that be?

What do you think, you mindless ape? The brain.

Ha, shows what you know. Grognak does not use his brain to count. He uses his fingers. The same fingers he will use to break your neck!

Will Grognak solve the Trickster’s riddle? Or will this puzzling predicament be his ultimate undoing? Find out in this one of a kind, brain-teasing adventure! Grognak the Barbarian in Here Cometh the Trickster!

RADIO SPOT 43 – Fallon’s 2

They say dress for the job you want, not the one you have. The same is true for your body. Maybe you’re unhappy with your physical appearance, and feel powerless to change it. Well good news, listener! Clothes can fix that! Need to lose a few pounds? Vertical stripes can do the work diet and exercise can’t. Have a bald spot or an oddly shaped forehead? Our stylish fedoras will cover that up nicely!

At Fallon’s Department store, we offer all this and more, so you can dress for the body you want, and not the one you have.

 

Educational Skit on Popularity

Teenage Boy – Open

It’s a question every young woman asks themselves from time to time. Popularity – what is it made of, and how can I get it? Well, it’s actually quite simple. Let’s take a listen and see what makes people like one person and ignore another:

(FILLED)Wow, who’s that?

Oh, that’s the new girl, Helen. She’s real swell.

But what makes her swell? What makes her different than the other gals?

If I had to take a guess, Tommy, it’s probably her bazookas. But also, her dignity.

(Filled)Hey boys, mind if I sit down?

This is Lucy. Unlike Helen, she thinks the key to popularity is to park herself in the back seat of every car in school. When Tommy brags to the other boys about reaching second base, he learns that the other boys have already rounded third and are making a rather large pile at home. This makes him feel less important.

It doesn’t matter that Lucy has many interesting things to say, being at the top of her class in history, arts, and robotic engineering. In fact, these traits only make the boys feel more inferior. When she brings up the latest advances in RobCo’s facial recognition software, it makes Tommy feel stupid and weak.

Actually Lucy, this seat’s taken.

(Filled)All right then. See you around!

The truth is that seat wasn’t taken, and Tommy won’t be seeing her around. Rather, Lucy’s intelligence, small breasts and active sex life makes her unpopular with both men and women.

Helen! You need somewhere to sit? Helen!

Minutes later, we see Helen being waived over to the very same table. Is it her appearance? Her manners? Or maybe it’s because Helen knows what it really means to take a backseat.

Hey Helen, wanna go check out the new Grognak film afterschool? Or maybe we could go to the Wienie Roast if you like that!

(Filled)Sure, either one is fine.

Truth be told, Helen has no interest in Grognak or roasting wieners of any kind. But unlike Lucy, she keeps her opinion to herself and does her best not to embarrass Tommy in front of his friends. This makes Tommy feel like he’s in charge and confident in what a woman really wants. And it’s not just the boys. Helen pretends to be just as interested in girls too. Pretty soon she’s the most popular girl in school.

So if you want to gain the respect and admiration of your peers, be like Helen – dignified, concise, with a large bosom – and you’ll find yourself sitting at the head of every table.

LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME TRAILER

Narrator – Filled

Charles – Filled

Piano Man – Filled

From a dollar a dance to a place in the spotlight. From the cold lap of a stranger, to the hot lap of luxury. Edith Redding, a determined girl, climbed out of the seedy underpants of Chicago and into the nation’s sweater vest. The very same sweater that warms the heart.

But behind the fabric, Edith Redding had a secret. Her rise to stardom was launched by a catapult named murder. Her partner in crime, a lab created monster whose strength was as infinite as his shadow. A mutant.

Charles kill leading woman! Edith take her place. Edith forget Charles do this thing! Why Edith so smart but memory so stupid?!!?!

cut to different scene

Let me help you Edith. I’ll get you to the right people, and they’ll work with you because they’ll want you! And they won’t have to have their arms ripped out or their head crushed by a sledgehammer. They’ll want you because you’re good! Oh try it Edith, try it that way! For me!

cut to different scene

Charles crush critics! Charles make famous! But Charles still too dumb for stupid, high class dame like human!

It’s a rags to riches story, where fame has a price. It’s about life in the fast lane, with the past riding in the backseat, offering directions. It’s Love Me or Leave Me, a movie about real people, real dreams, and one mutant.

MR. PEBBLES, FIRST CAT IN SPACE

Announcer

Dr. Irene Braun

On this day in 1959, two years after the Russians sent a dog into orbit, the United States of America demonstrated their own aeronautical ingenuity by making “Mr. Pebbles” the first cat in space.

Here’s an explanation from NASA’s chief director, Dr. Irene Braun, on why she chose a feline for this mission:

Well, we believe the independence displayed by the domestic cat made it a far greater candidate for space travel. We’ve all seen what happens when dogs are without their master. I think it’s safe to say that poor Russian canine went insane from the claustrophobia alone. Mr. Pebbles, in contrast, will feel more at home the further he gets away from it.

600 miles up our intrepid feline joined the meteors in orbit, traveling at speeds of 18,000 miles an hour. A shocked Russian community could only look on in awe as America once again flexed its extraordinary might.

Meanwhile, the President, the French Prime Minister, and other NATO leaders gathered in Paris to discuss the politics of the coming space age. Their decision? That three European nations would be armed with their own feline astronauts – Mr. Whiskers, Miss Pussy, and folk singer Cat Stevens – further strengthening the coalition’s alliance in the years to come.

But none of this would be possible without the heroics of Mr. Pebbles, the first cat in space. On this day in 1959.

HORROR SKETCH 6

I never did believe my sister. And how could I? Her penchant for lying was downright pathological. I remember when we were eight, she convinced the neighborhood boys that Manta-Man was her second cousin. She’d show them a toy gun and call it The Manta-Ray, and conjure up the most convoluted explanations for why it didn’t work. She even convinced our father that the school required her to have her own terminal to turn in her homework. And sure enough, a week later the men from RobCo showed up at our door. Heh, I wasn’t even jealous. All I could do is marvel at what my sister had wrought. She could weave a story, of that there was no question. She would close every plot hole, and have an answer for every doubt. All she needed from her audience was just a sliver of bent truth, a tiny suspension of disbelief to pull you in.

So when she told me about the horror that lived inside that terminal, of course I dismissed it. It was my sister, after all. I knew her better than anyone.

Oh, she kept at it. She knew quite well that I was immune to her wild fits of fancy, and it would take more than a good story to make me believe. Naturally she had no real proof. It was always at the dead of night; never when anyone else was around. The terminal would turn itself on, and type these strange, cryptic messages. She couldn’t tell me what it said because she didn’t the understand the words.

But then there was the other side of it. The ever-bending truth that lay in the content of those messages. She would scribble them down, every night, until she had notebooks full of what she believed to be an ancient and unknown language. She was committed to this lie, that much was for sure. So committed, in fact, that I could hear her in the dead of night, typing and scribbling. She can became distant, aloof – to the point that I had to struggle to maintain my disbelief.

Yet the day she disappeared, I was sure it was another hoax. I knew that the moment I believed her, the second I gave in, she would show up at the door and proclaim she’d gotten the better of me. But she never did.

Even now, when I sleep in her room, listening to her terminal type, I find it all too hard to believe. How can I? Because if this translation is correct, and what it says is true, then there’s nothing I can do to save her.

BOSTON BUTCHER

Mary

Rick

Fred Sampson

opening scene

I don’t want you to leave Rick.

Look Mary, I’m a bartender. You know damn well that means I have to work nights.

But you heard the news reports! They’re calling him the Boston Butcher, and he’s already killed a half dozen women all over Lexington!

We don’t know that for sure. The Bugle’s just trying to stir things up to sell papers. And the way you’re acting, I’d say it’s working.

Oh please, Rick, stay with me. It’ll just be for tonight.

That’s what you said last night, and the night before. I’ve already used up all my sick days. Do you want me to lose my job too?

All right. But promise you’ll come home as soon as your shift is over.

Jesus Mary, I’ll be home when the work’s done. Not a moment sooner.

later that evening, knock on the door

Who is it?

I’m a friend of your husband’s. He asked me to check up on you, make sure you’re all right.

Oh, that was nice of him. I have to admit I’m a bit of wreck. Do you work at the bar?

That’s right. Fred Sampson. Your husband probably mentioned me before.

He doesn’t like to talk about work.

That’s funny. I can’t get him to shut up. It’s part of the reason I volunteered to check on you. He said you were frightened by that whole business in the papers.

Are you talking about the Butcher?

Sure, but I’m afraid I haven’t been following it as closely as you have. What do you know about him?

It’s all in today’s issue of the Bugle. Go on, read it.

Wow…it says here he killed six women, all redheads in their twenties.

That’s right.

Say. You’re a redhead. And you’re about twenty-five right?

Twenty-two.

Huh. Now I see why you’re worried.

It’s not just that. If you read further down, there was also an eyewitness who saw him leave the building of one of the victims. They said he was a Caucasian man, about six feet tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes. And I’ve seen at least three men that fit that description living on this street alone.

Six feet tall, blonde hair and blue eyes…hey, come to think of it, I fit that description.

It also mentions he has a bit of a limp…

I’ve got a bum leg, from a shrapnel wound I got in Korea.

Oh, and one other detail. They said he carved the letters “F.S.” on the bedpost of one of his victims. The police think it might be his initials, like Frank Smith.

Or Fred Sampson…

One of the detectives said there was no forced entry. Which means he probably entered the homes pretending to be a friend of a relative, or a spouse’s co-worker. Sort of like the way you and Rick know each other.

Hold on…you don’t think people are gonna say I’m the Butcher, do you?

You? But why? You’re Fred Sampson, Rick’s friend from work.

And your landlord saw me come up to this room…he could be calling the police right now.

Now why would he do that? Fred, what’s the matter?

I think I better go.

(grabs arm)

Wait, you can’t leave! What if the Butcher comes? What if he’s here, in this building?

Let go of my arm lady!

No! You musn’t go! Please!

door slams shut, fade out fade in to next day.

Did you hear? They found the Butcher.

Really? Where?

Hanged himself over at the Roadside Pines motel. The police chased him down there from one of the buildings nearby. In the end, I guess the guy figured it was best to take the easy way out.

Well, I’m glad that’s over. To think, I was actually worried he’d come after me next. I mean, there’s thousands of women in the city, the chances of it happening were slim to none.

That’s what I was saying from the start. I told you from the beginning you had nothing to worry about. But you had to get all hysterical, just like all the other dames.

You’re right. I’m such a foolish girl.

Well, don’t be so hard on yourself. You did one thing right. You married me.

That I did. Oh, and by the way, remind me to thank your co-worker, Fred, for coming over the other night. He really helped me deal with the anxiety.

Fred? I don’t know anyone named Fred.

RADIO SPOTS 50(FILLED)

Colgate will be edited to say “Always clean” so I made that the tagline to burn it into people’s heads.

That’s right. Fresh breath, a healthy smile, and a clean, minty aftertaste. Three ways clean means you’re always clean, and nothing does it better than Supradent Toothpaste.

In your mouth, trouble starts when stray food particles get trapped in your teeth, producing decay bacteria. These bacteria produce acids that eat away at your smile, turning Handsome Harry into an unlikable sloth. Meanwhile, Cutie Katie, having first tried a competing brand, found brushing to be a chore due to its bitter, medicine aftertaste. As a result, she has no idea her once fresh, minty breath now smells like a swamp.

But once they switched to Supradent, they not only found cleaner breath, cleaner taste, and cleaner teeth, they also found true love.

So switch to Supradent toothpaste today. Because three ways clean is always clean.

Commercial 66 Wakemaster Alarm Clock

Waking up is never fun. You’re tired and groggy. You hate your job, your marriage is in shambles, and you have a sneaking suspicion your children are drug addicts. Why would anyone in your position want to get up and play out such a miserable existence? Fortunately for you, the Wakemaster Alarm Clock is so loud, so infuriatingly noisy, that you’ll have no choice but to get of bed and run three miles – just to get the ringing out of your ears. With its password encrypted snooze button, this precise, state of the art atomic clock will never fail to wake you up, saving you and your family from your own existential dread.

The Wakemaster Alarm Clock. Now in three colors. Platinum, Yellow, and Lime Green.

Commercial 68 Back Alley Bowling

In the afternoon…when things slow down…when you’re wondering what to do…

Let’s go! Go bowling!

Whether you’re a boy or a girl, a novice or a seasoned pro, nothing beats the excitement of Back Alley Bowling. For the low, low price of five thousand dollars a game, you and your friends can enjoy America’s new pastime.

gutter ball sound

Don’t worry Bobby, that ball may be destined for the gutter, but your social life is anywhere but, now that you’ve discovered Back Alley Bowling!

Commercial 67 Pinelli’s Bakery

Every morning, we at Pinelli’s Bakery wake up at the break of dawn, bright and early. In fact, we open our doors before most customers open their eyes. We’re heating the ovens, kneading the dough, making sure that every muffin, pastry, and loaf of bread is warm and fresh by the time you arrive. Most people don’t think twice about it. They’ve just come to expect that we’ll be there, with a smile on our face, no matter how many times you angrily berate us.

And that’s okay. Because in the food service industry, we understand there’s no room for basic human decency. At Pinelli’s Bakery, we’re here to serve you.

RADIO SPOT 56 – TREASURES OF JAMAICA PLAIN(FILLED)

Throughout history mankind has marveled at the wonders buried deep under the sands of time. The tomb of King Tut, found at Luxor, filled with the riches of Ancient Egypt. The ruins of Troy, giving life to an age old myth. And now, for one week only, you can discover the greatest treasure of them all, before it too is sealed away for all time!

Come and see the treasure to end all treasures, an archaeological wonder of the world, right here in Boston! Witness the one and only Treasures of Jamaica Plain! And remember, this stunning exhibit will be on display for one week and one week only, so don’t miss your chance! Buy a ticket today!

RADIO SPOT 65 Hospital

Can be done in a French accent since that seems to be common for Miss Nannys, but English is fine too.

It’s an old story. A man is in need of a life saving surgery. He visits the local hospital for help, only to find the chief physician has wobbly hands and an obvious drinking habit. As a result, not only does the surgery fail, but the man wakes up to find his toes are missing and covered in vodka. Not that he can see it, given his head has been sewn on backwards.

Meanwhile, at Milton General Hospital, patients can rest easy knowing that every surgery is performed with the exacting precision made possible by robots. Furthermore, every nurse, doctor, and emergency technician has been programmed with the latest empathy chip to provide the genuine care and selflessness human doctors try desperately to fake.

That’s why if you’re sick, injured, or in need of care, visit us at Milton General Hospital – the only hospital that offers human empathy with robotic precision.

RADIO SPOT 57 – RED ROCKET GASOLINE

(FILLED)

Have you ever seen a stock car race? You’ll find Zips, Fleas, and Chryslus Corvegas, all zooming along at speeds deemed unsafe for civilian roads. Not unsafe for you, but for your engine. So how do stock cars manage to accelerate to such speeds without breaking down? Well, here at Daytona and other leading tracks, they all run on Red Rocket Gasoline.

With Red Rocket Gasoline, you’ll be able to drive without limits, free from all the wear and tear brought on by other leading brands. You can treat residential areas like your own personal freeway, knowing those pesky street signs no longer apply. After all, you’re no longer driving a car. You’re taking off on a rocket.

Red Rocket Gasoline. Drive in. Fly out.

RADIO SPOT 58 – RED ROCKET GASOLINE 2

You’re just about out of gas, but the nearest Red Rocket is miles away. What do you do?

Oh, it makes no difference. Just fill me up with the high octane gas. That’s the same as Red Rocket Premium.

Wrong! Don’t make the octane mistake! There are twenty-one Megatane ratings that go into every gallon of gas, and Red Rocket rates the highest in 20 of 21 categories not tainted by European metrics. And the higher your Megatane rating, the better your motor will run.

Sure, you won’t notice the difference. But your car will feel younger, last longer, and have enough energy to keep you warm on those cold, winter nights.

Hey daddy, wanna go for a ride?

(Sexy Whistle)

Red Rocket Gasoline. Because she’s worth it.

BOSTON BUGLE COMMERCIAL

If you want the real story, the kind with deep angles and sharp writing, there’s no better place to get it than the front page of the Boston Bugle. For just $25 an issue you’ll get the kind of hard-nosed, investigative journalism you won’t find anywhere else! That’s because our reporters are on the street, getting their notepads dirty while the anchormen on television are fixing their makeup. That’s right, even the men.

Read award-winning columns by Buster Connelly, Mags Veccio, and Tim Stahl. They’ve won Pulitzer Prizes, Regional Prizes, and the prize for Best in Show…for journalism.

That’s the Boston Bugle, the most reliable newspaper in all the Commonwealth. Buy a subscription today.

 

ROMANCE STORY

Woman -(FILLED)

Man – (FILLED)

Scene 1

two people walk out on their respective balconies overlooking the city, and decide to strike up a conversation

Hi. Haven’t seen you around here before.

That’s odd, because I feel like I’ve been living in this building all my life.

You say that like it’s a bad thing. I love this place. The rooms are clean, the people are nice, and you can’t beat the view.

That’s because you’re new. You love it now, but things change. Love in particular has a habit of being fickle.

Sounds like you speak from experience.

Well, not exactly. I’d say most of my experience comes secondhand.

You must be a good listener then, if so many people trust you with their secrets.

Goes part and parcel with the job, really.

Oh? And what is it you do for a living?

Well, it’s been around for quite some time you see. You might even say it’s the oldest profession ever known.

(silence, slightly embarrassed he hasn’t responded)
I hope you’re not going to ask me to spell it out for you because-

(teasing) No, just seeing how red your face would get if I said nothing.

That wasn’t very nice. So you don’t think any less of me?

Not at all. I happen to be an artist. If anything, you should be thinking less of me.

I love art. What kind do you do?

I’m a painter.

Have I seen any of your work?

Maybe. See that hardware store across the street? I painted those walls.

Oh, that is indeed quite the masterpiece. A regular Sistine chapel. And may I ask if a man of your talents would be willing to paint a woman’s apartment, or is that beneath you?

Well, I have a lot of important clients, but I think I can work it into my schedule. Is this your apartment?

Why? Did you think I was on the clock?

(pause)

Ha, now whose face is red.

 

Scene 2

I think you should stop.

Stop what?

Doing what you’re doing.

And what, become a starving artist like you? Besides, I thought you respected what I do.

It’s not about that.

Then tell me, what is this all about?

Well it’s because…well I love you. And if you feel the same way I don’t think it’s right for you to be with other men.

It doesn’t matter what I feel. Love doesn’t pay the bills.

But neither will this! Maybe now, sure, but in twenty years those men are gonna stop calling.

You sure have a strange way of charming a girl. Telling her she’s going to be old and decrepit.

I’m just saying, it won’t last. Not much in this world ever does. But I’ll be here. If you just give me a chance.

(Sigh) You know when I first moved in here, I was just as wide-eyed as you are now. Every night I’d come out on this balcony and watch the lights go out one by one. Sometimes I’d even bring my guitar and sing the whole city to sleep.

But time goes by and that feeling fades. It doesn’t matter if you’re out here to sing or scream. In the end you realize no one can hear you either way.

That’s not true. I hear you. I hear it when you laugh, when you scream and when you cry. And maybe I’m the only one in the world who does. But the fact that I’m here, listening, that has to mean something too.

I don’t know what you want me to say.

Say you love me.

I…I can’t. I’m sorry

Scene 3

After some time, woman goes out on balcony, plays guitar for the first time since they met. Man hears singing, opens window. This is a riff on the Moon River scene with Breakfast at Tiffanys. I haven’t seen the movie or read the book so no idea what the context of this movie scene is, but it’s in this vein more or less.

on the phone

Yeah, I think I might be moving out. No, it’s not that. I just need a change is all.

music playing

Hold on. Can I call you later? Yeah, something came up.

walks out to the balcony

Hey.

Hey.

I thought you were done with this sort of thing.

Well I was. But I figured I’d do it one last time, just to see if you were right…see if anyone was really listening. And here you are.

Here I am.

I’m thinking about quitting.

Are you? I imagine your clients will be disappointed.

Maybe, but I’ve decided there’s only one person’s feelings I care about.

Well, I have to say, I’m rather envious of this person.

You should be. He’s a talented painter. Rivals even the great Michelangelo.

I look forward to meeting him.

(Pauses and smiles)
Do you really think this could work? They say love’s brought about more pain and misery than any other emotion.

Well, pain I can handle. And I’m miserable without you. So I think we’re in the clear.

(Sigh) And here I thought I’d fall for a nice man with a handsome bank account.

Well, I do have a bank account. Still working on the rest.

(turns to the city)
It really is nice, isn’t it? The view.

(looking at girl)
Yeah. She’s beautiful.

 

RADIO SPOT 61 – Suprathaw Anti-freeze

Holy cow, Tropic Man, is it really you?

It’s me all right. Just out here, protecting the city of Boston.

And what’s that you got in your hand there? Some kind of secret weapon?

Why yes, actually. It’s my favorite anti-freeze in the world, Suprathaw Premium. It’s completely winter proof, so not even a cold night like this can stop me from doing my nightly patrol.

Is that what you’re doing in the red light district? Hunting for bad guys?

(“Yes” said slowly, unsure if kid is baiting him or stupid enough to buy it)
Yes. In fact, I think I see some very naughty boys over there.

Suprathaw Anti-Freeze. Never get left out in the cold.

RADIO SPOT 62 – Suprathaw Anti-freeze

Well that ends another patrol. The streets of Boston are safe.

Stop right there, Or should I say “freeze.”

Good god, the Siberian Shiver! But I locked you up!

Yes, yes you did. But I escaped, and I’ve been plotting my revenge ever since. And you know how revenge is best served? Cold.

Yes, I’m familiar with the phrase. And what deviously icy plan have you chilled up this time?

Why, I’ve turned your car into an icebox. And with your engine in shambles, you won’t be making it home tonight. And when you’re late for work tomorrow, everyone will know your secret. And I don’t mean the cape and tights.

Ha, you silly little man. Did you think I wouldn’t be prepared for such a scenario?

No, it can’t be!

That’s right. I put Suprathaw Anti-freeze in this engine. Which means lasting protection from extreme conditions. Conditions like the blast from your frost ray.

Damn you Tropic Man! Damn you and equatorial temperatures from now until the end of time!

Don’t damn me. Damn the good folks at Suprathaw. Their anti-freeze really saved the day, and it can save you too.

RADIO SPOT 63 – WICKED SHIPPING
(Boston Accent Required)

Yo, this is Boss Man Blake here to tell you all about Wicked Shipping, the best, baddest, and fastest shipping company in all the Commonwealth! Got cargo that needs to be in Springfield by tomorrow? Our fleet will be there wicked fast, with better service and friendly drivers who are more reliable than bread on a spuckie.

So don’t go with them other chowderheads. Go with Boston’s own, Wicked Shipping, for all your transport needs!

RADIO SPOT 64 Abraxo(FILLED)

Narrator – Female

Housewife – Female

Oh dear. How am I going to get this stain out!

It’s a problem for every housewife. You just cooked a wonderful roast for your family, and now comes the hard part. Tough, greasy stains on your dishes, your counters, and all over your sink.

My dear, what you need is Abraxodyne Industrial Grade Scouring Powder. It works with any surface to remove dirt and hard to clean grease. And you know it works because it was made by the scientists at RobCo.

But I thought Robco made robots, not cleaning supplies!

RobCo makes a lot of things. But more than anything, RobCo makes you happy.

I do feel much better now that I made the switch to Abraxo. And look! My counters are as white as Mary in the manger!

I wouldn’t go that far, Susan, but your counters look splendid. And Abraxo isn’t just for kitchen countertops. It’s made to work with robots, pets, and even your own children!

My dogs are filthy. Almost as dirty as my son. I can wash them with Abraxo powder too?

Yes you can! That’s because Abraxo is a mixture of naturally occurring borax and hand soap. Which means any skin irritation you feel is just as Mother Nature intended.

That sounds amazing. I think I’ll buy ten, no, twenty boxes!

Good for you, Susan, but leave some for the folks at home.
So if you’re in need of an all purpose cleaner for your counters, bathtubs, and children, try Abraxo Scouring Powder today. Abraxo, for all your household needs.

RADIO SPOT 60 – Gray Tortoise(FILLED)

This is a man who smokes Gray Tortoise cigarettes. What kind of a man is he?

I’m the type of man who likes to work on my car. I like to take it apart and put it back together. I get to working on it and forget where I am. What time it is. Sometimes I even forget to eat.

You don’t forget to smoke though, do you?

I never forget to smoke. I might forget other things, like picking up my son from soccer practice or turning off the stove, but I never forget to smoke.

That’s because you’re a man’s man. A Gray Tortoise Man. You don’t let parental responsibilities or a combustible gas leak get between you and a job well done. Why don’t you have a smoke right now, you’ve more than earned it.

Gray Tortoise Famous Cigarettes. Now, with a flip top box!

RADIO SPOT 38

For breakfast, it’s pancakes and sausages. For lunch, it’s a sandwich in a box. For dinner, it’s your wife’s homemade chicken pot pie. It doesn’t matter what day of the week it is, every meal is as different as night and day. There’s only one thing they all have in common – the after meal cigarette. Make sure yours is as slow and easy as a tortoise. Grey Tortoise Cigarettes. The perfect end to a well balanced meal.

VAULT COUPLE

Narrator – (FILLED)

Mother-in-Law – Female(FILLED)

Wife – Female

Husband – Male(FILLED)

This is a story about a boy and a girl. Like most couples they met at a school dance. He was an average looking boy, of average height and medium build. She was a normal girl, of modest size and stature. They were the kind of people you might glance at in History class and think to yourself, “Sure, why not.” In other words, there was nothing particularly special or interesting about either of them. Except for one single detail. The girl was born in a vault.

There you are. What are you doing in this horrible place?

It’s my home, mother.

This is where you live? But there’s so much…sun.

We’re vault dwellers not vampires. Harold and I are very happy here.

Harold? Is that a surface boy’s name?

It is. And the two of us are very much in love.

Oh dear, you know it won’t last.

That’s not true. The two of us are perfectly compatible. We both like hot dogs, walks on the beach, and our favorite movie is “Love Sets Sail.”

You may be compatible with him, but is America compatible with the Chinese? Because that’s what’ll end your relationship, not some adolescent fight over what movie you want to see.

Then I’ll convince him to move in. He can live with us inside the shelter.

Ha! Good luck with that.

later that day

Honey, I want to talk to you about something. I think we should move.

Really? I thought you agreed this home was perfect.

Perfect for us maybe, but I can’t help but feel it’s a little too high up.

Well, we’d lose the view, but the rent’s cheaper on the lower floors.

I was thinking lower.

You mean like in the lobby?

Lower.

The basement parking lot?

Lower. I wanna live in a vault.

A vault? But I thought only paranoid nut jobs live in vaults. Not normal people like you and me.

Actually, that’s not true. Sadie over on Elm Street was born in a vault.

I always knew there was something shifty about her.

And Greg over at the diner. Him too.

Never liked him. Did you know he got angry because I left him a 10% tip? Maybe if he gave me better service, he wouldn’t have to complain about the size of his…

And me Harold. I was born in a vault.

What? You? But how?

Well, my father works for Vault-Tec, and he and some of the others in the neighborhood got to test the early prototypes.
They had to make sure people wouldn’t go insane from living underground for so long.

And did they? Go insane?

Not all of them.

Honey, I don’t know. A housewife has responsibilities. I want to come home to a hot meal, not some emergency food ration.

If you’re talking about MRE pouches, they’re a perfectly balanced dinner and taste just fine.

Honey…

Oh I’m kidding Harold. We cook the same food underground that you do up here. I promise. In fact, why don’t we visit my mother and I’ll give you a tour.

One scary thing at a time sweetie, if you don’t mind.

PSA on EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

Announcer – OPEN

No! I don’t wanna! Do it yourself!

Bill storms out.

(Filled) Ugh, that guy! He burns me up!

(Filled) Don’t get angry. Bill’s having a tough time. He’s upset. Emotionally upset, just like a baby.

(Filled) Well he shouldn’t be! The man’s over 40 years old!

(Filled) I realize that, but he can’t help it. He’s mentally ill. In his heart.

(Filled but need to re-take for Parsons State Insane Asylum)

How true that is. People who overreact to minor situations may be emotionally ill. It’s not because they want to be, it’s because they have to be. But remember, these people can be saved. Sometimes it comes in the form of a sympathetic ear, or general human kindness. Other times it come in the form of professional help, like therapy, or a mental institution.

When that time comes, Parsons State Insane Asylum is here to help. Our technicians are fully trained in the latest mental health techniques to guide your loved ones on the path to wellness. Stop by our facilities and get a tour of the campus today.

Insurance Scam

Daphne – Female(FILLED)

Mr. Trent/Agent 1 (FILLED)

Insurance Auditor – Male

Police Officer – Male(FILLED)

Agent 2 – Male or Female(FILLED)

Honey, do you mind setting the table?

Sure. But we need to talk first. I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.

Oh dear. What’s wrong?

I got laid off today.

Oh no, that’s terrible! Did you at least get a severance?

Not a dime.

Well, chin up, it’s not the end of the world. I’m sure you’ll be back on your feet in no time.

I’ve been fired from three straight jobs Daphne! The word’s gotten around town. No one’s gonna hire me now.

We have our life insurance policies. It’s not an endowment, but it’s something.

A few hundred dollars isn’t gonna be enough. One of us has to die. And lately, I’ve been thinking it wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

Don’t talk like that. I’d be lost without you.

I wasn’t talking about me.

insurance guy visits

Well Mr. Trent, as your insurance auditor, I have to be honest, this whole affair is mighty suspicious. You lose your job, your bills are piling up, and the very next day your wife disappears.

I don’t like where you’re going with this. Are you saying I killed her?

Maybe. Or she could’ve left. Maybe the two of you are working together. Either way, I have seven years to find out. That’s seven years before a missing person is presumed dead, Mr. Trent. Do you think you can hold out for that long?

Actually, most murders are solved within 48 hours.

Are you admitting you murdered your wife?

I wasn’t talking about my wife.

police visit

Mr. Trent, you realize why we’re here, don’t you. First your wife goes missing, and then the insurance auditor assigned to your case.

I don’t see what’s so strange about it. People disappear all the time.

Maybe so, but you took out a life insurance policy on both your wife and the auditor. Now the wife I get, but according to our records you’d never even met the auditor before.

So? He was old and out of shape. It didn’t take a genius to see he was gonna die.

Funny, according to our records, the auditor was young and in good health.

I wasn’t talking about the auditor.

insurance company

Did you hear what happened up in Redwood seven years ago? An entire town disappeared without a trace. People thought it was haunted. There were no witnesses, no bodies, no one there to figure out how the whole thing went down.

So when you told me a customer wants to cash in multiple policies over a million dollars, the first thing I did was look up the addresses. And guess what? They’re all from Redwood.

It’s been seven years. Which means none of them were presumed dead until today.

But what I don’t understand Barry, is who turned these in. I’ve been here all morning, and I haven’t seen a single customer walk through those doors.

I wasn’t talking about a customer.

RADIO SPOTS 54(FILLED)

Man, I really wish super heroes were real.

Actually Clara, super heroes are real.

Really mama? You mean there’s heroes out there, saving the city like The Silver Shroud?

Ha-ha-ha, not quite dear. In real life, super heroes are corporations, like The Super Duper Mart.

Can The Super Duper Mart kill people with its deadly shroud?

No, but it’s got everything I need to cook your dinner. The gardening tools I used to grow these carrots, the broth I’m using for the soup, as well as the stove I’m using to cook them, all came from one place. Can you guess where?

The Super Duper Mart?

That’s right. They really saved mommy’s day. And her bacon!

Wow! It saved breakfast too? The Super Duper Mart is the bestest hero ever!

It certainly is.

RADIO SPOT 59 – HESTER’S CONSUMER ROBOTICS(FILLED)

If you’re in need of your own personal robot but are on a budget, head on down to Hester’s Consumer Robotics! We’ve got Mr. Handy’s from General Atomics! Security Protectron’s from Robco! We’ve got used robots, refurbished robots, and half-finished prototypes at huge discounts! Whether you’re a small business owner or an overworked housewife, Hester’s has the robot for you!

I don’t know. The last Mr. Handy I bought nearly took Billy’s arm off!

Rest assured ma’am, our robots have all been tested to meet our personal safety standard. We promise not single loss of life or limb or your money back! And starting this month, we’re also offering complimentary funeral arrangements with every purchase!

You mean if Billy dies, I get a full refund and you’ll cover the cost of the funeral? Wow, that’s amazing!

It sure is. So come on down to Hester’s Consumer Robotics today, for robot helpers on a budget!

RADIO SPOT 42 – Fallon’s 1(Filled)

Are you afraid of losing your man? If you’re a Frumperton shopper, you should be. That’s because Frumperton’s is the leading department store for housewives, computer engineers, and sanitation workers. But ask yourself this: Is that what your husband really wants? A woman who works all day and smells like garbage? Probably not. Meanwhile, actresses, showgirls and bikini models prefer Fallon’s to all other department stores, and you can see why. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But not if the beholder wears fashion by Frumperton. Shop at Fallon’s, and the only supermodel your man will want, is you.

RADIO SPOT 59 – PICKET FENCES(FILLED)

Building the perfect home for you and your family takes hard work and dedication. But great home design ideas don’t come from hard work, or even your head. They come from Picket Fences Magazine. For just $32.99 an issue, you’ll have access to the latest advancements in interior decorating and lawn care. Pretty soon you’ll be the envy of all your neighbors, and with our help, you can learn to build a fence so high that’ll you never have to see them again. Because your home is your castle, and with Picket Fences, you can make it feel like one.

Picket Fences. Welcome home.

RADIO SPOTS 52

(FILLED)

Tired of the same old food in a can? Joe’s Spuckies offers fresh sandwiches made right before your eyes, the way you want them, and not the way your wife makes them. That’s way too much mustard Susan, we’ve been over this a thousand times.

Meanwhile, over at Joe’s Spuckies, every topping, sauce, and ingredient is made to your exact specifications. That’s because only Joe knows the three key ingredients that go into every spuccadella – freshness, flavor, and fantastic service. So trot on over to Joe’s today and try a meatball spucky and a large tonic for only $55! You try your first spuccadella, and you’ll never want a “sandwich” again.

RADIO SPOTS 47

They say the best cigars come from Cuba. But do you know who else smoked Cuban cigars? Josef Stalin, Fidelo Castro and Benedict Arnold. Which means Cuban cigars are the preferred choice of communists and traitors. But if you want a great cigar that’s made in America, there’s only one brand that does the job.

San Francisco Sunlights. Light up a cigar, and light up your life.

COUNTRY LAWYER

Folsom – Male(FILLED)

Judge – Male(FILLED)

Bailiff – Male(FILLED)

Ms. Watkins – Female(FILLED)

Lily Adams – Female(FILLED)

Customer – Male or Female

Are you Mr. Folsom?

Something I can help you with ma’am?

You haven’t heard? It’s in all the papers. They say I murdered someone.

I see. And you need a lawyer to defend you?

Why yes. But no one will take my case.

So that’s why you came to me.

Well, not really. The court appointed you. I was told you’re my public defender.

Ah, the good old sixth amendment. Right to counsel. Remind me to thank the founding fathers for keeping me employed.

Are you familiar with the details of my case? Do you think I can win?

Well, I’m just a simple country man. I don’t have a degree from Harvard law or some fancy school upstate.  But I do have one thing the prosecution doesn’t have.

The truth?

No, don’t be silly. Charm. I’ve got charm.

Trial

Please rise. The Court of the Second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division, is now in session, the Honorable Judge Rayburn presiding.

Everyone but the jury may be seated. Defense, call your first witness.

The defense calls the witness Lily Adams to the stand.

Please raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

I do.

So Ms. Adams, if you might state your occupation?

I’m a maid for Mr. and Ms. Watkins.

And you were there the night Mr. Watkins was murdered.

Yes. I saw Ms. Watkins do it with my own eyes.

I see. Ms. Adams, can you do me a favor and tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?

(he holds up both middle fingers)

Mr.Prosecutor, how dare you insult me with such an obscene gesture!

No Ms. Adams, the correct answer is two! Two fingers!

That is not the point!

Oh it’s exactly the point! Now I may be a simple country boy from a backwoods dumpster, but I know my ABCs, and 123s. And if Ms. Adams can’t even even see how many fingers I held up, how can she be sure it was my client who committed the murder?

(Jury gasps)

Order! Order! Order in the court!

after trial

So, life without parole, huh.

Yeah. It’s a damn shame, considering the key witness was blind.

I’m sure you did your best Mr. Folsom.

I did, didn’t I? Hell, she’d probably be in the electric chair if it weren’t for me.

Best to take solace in the small victories.

Thanks Jim. One day I’ll know what that’s like. Victory. But anyways, enough about the case, what can I do for you?

Yes, can you fill up my tank and check the oil?

Sure thing.

CUPPA JOE INFOMERCIAL

Narrator – Male or Female(FILLED)

Connor – Male(FILLED)

Roastmaster – Male or Female(FILLED)

At the Cuppa Joe Roasting House in Seattle, Washington, something special is brewing. Here, a new blend of coffee is being brewed in secret, with beans from the mountains of Colombia, Nicaragua, and Detroit. For the launch of this new blend, minor league pitcher Connor Affleck visited with roastmaster Kim Welsh to see how it’s made.

When they told me I was getting a cup of coffee, I thought I was being called up to the majors. I called my family and they were gonna fly in from Oklahoma. It’s been twelve years. Twelve long years and I thought I was finally going to the show. Even if it was just for a cup of coffee.

That’s what we make here, coffee.

It was supposed to be an analogy.

Nope, it’s actually coffee.

I think I’m gonna cry.

cut to them drinking samples

Coffee is very complex Connor. There are about 1000 aroma and flavor compounds all told. Of course, you can’t taste all of them, but you can taste a lot of them.

Yeah, and how many can you taste?

Right now? Just one. Coffee. But I’m working on the others.

I just wanna go home.

finale

As you can see, these coffee samples all taste great individually, but what makes Cuppa Joe special is the blend. (Sip) Mmmm. This is the stuff the big leaguers drink in every clubhouse. Big leaguers just like Connor over here.

A Cuppa Joe. The coffee house that taste built.

 

KIDS GANG sketch 3

Girl (Filled)

Boy – Open

Umpire – Open

Where’s O’Malley?

He got detention again. He gave Ms. Quackenbush a real screwy look.

Is that all?

Well, when the old crone asked him what he was thinking about, he told her he was picturing her getting hit by a cartoon bus.

That’s O’Malley, always saying what everyone else is thinking. So what’re you doing here?

Well, I was thinking I could pitch in his place.

But you’re a girl, Jenny.

So? Tell you what, why don’t you let me play, and for every hit I give up, I’ll buy you a quarter pounder and a milkshake at the diner. But if I throw a no-hitter, you owe me a dinner and a movie.

You drive a hard burger, Jenny. All right, let’s go.

ballgame

Striiiiiike one!

Striiiiiiike two!

Striiiiiiike three! You’re out!

audience cheers

Wow, Jenny! You’re great!  Where’d you learn to pitch like that?

Throwing spitballs at Mrs. Quackenbush.

Wow, you hate Mrs. Quackenbush too? I think I’m gonna name my firstborn child after you. That or my next meal. Whatever comes first.

Speaking of next meals, I believe you owe me a date.

Ew. No one said anything about a date!

Oh no you don’t. You’re not weaseling out of this one. I specifically said dinner and a movie.

I don’t know, Jenny. You may be a good pitcher, but catching’s a different story.

Calvin runs of, exit music starts to play

Calvin H. Finnegan! You come back here this instant!

RADIO SPOTS 55

Announcer – OPEN

Paulie – FILLED

Gran – FILLED

ring ring, picks up phone

Hello?

Gran, it’s Paulie.

Paulie! So good to hear your voice. I bet you’re calling to tell me you got in to C.I.T.  Your mother thought it was a waste of time, but I knew you were smart enough.

No Gran, I didn’t get into C.I.T. I’m in prison.

Prison? Oh, I’m sure it’s not a big deal. Everyone in town knows you’re a good boy.

It is a big deal Gran! I boosted a car and…they’re saying it’s a felony, and they’re gonna try me as an adult!

Well how about that. An adult. And all summer you complained how you haven’t grown as much as the rest of the boys, but the people at station can see it as plain as day. You’re a man now.

That’s not a good thing! I can get twenty years!

I don’t know. I hear the prison has some good work programs available. You could learn a valuable trade while the other kids are busy studying philosophy and social science.

Gran, that’s all well and good, but I need you to bail me out! I only have one phone call!

And you did well to call your Gran. Listen, my grandson is no quitter. You tell those men at the police station you want to stay as long as it takes until you learn everything they have to teach you.

But Gran, some of the other inmates, they’re calling me sweetie!

See? You’re already making friends.

If you only have one phone call, make sure it counts. If you only have one phone service, make sure it’s BosCom Phone and Television.

RADIO SPOTS 53

If it’s happened once, it’s happened a million times before. You walk into an establishment, ask the attendant to show you the fine minks, when a poor person brushes up beside you and asks “How much?” As if they could possibly afford the very luxuries you worked your entire life to inherit.

All you want is a place to shop for fine art, handsome furnishings, and the cutting edge of modern fashion without having to discern who is a customer and who is the help.

So if you’re looking for a shopping experience that’s classy and sophisticated, then look no further than Haymarket Mall.

Haymarket Mall. For the finer things in life.

LOVE ME OR LEAVE ME TRAILER

Narrator – Filled

Charles – Filled

Piano Man – Filled

From a dollar a dance to a place in the spotlight. From the cold lap of a stranger, to the hot lap of luxury. Edith Redding, a determined girl, climbed out of the seedy underpants of Chicago and into the nation’s sweater vest. The very same sweater that warms the heart.

But behind the fabric, Edith Redding had a secret. Her rise to stardom was launched by a catapult named murder. Her partner in crime, a lab created monster whose strength was as infinite as his shadow. A mutant.

Charles kill leading woman! Edith take her place. Edith forget Charles do this thing! Why Edith so smart but memory so stupid?!!?!

cut to different scene

Let me help you Edith. I’ll get you to the right people, and they’ll work with you because they’ll want you! And they won’t have to have their arms ripped out or their head crushed by a sledgehammer. They’ll want you because you’re good! Oh try it Edith, try it that way! For me!

cut to different scene

Charles crush critics! Charles make famous! But Charles still too dumb for stupid, high class dame like human!

It’s a rags to riches story, where fame has a price. It’s about life in the fast lane, with the past riding in the backseat, offering directions. It’s Love Me or Leave Me, a movie about real people, real dreams, and one mutant.

 

RADIO SPOTS 53

If it’s happened once, it’s happened a million times before. You walk into an establishment, ask the attendant to show you the fine minks, when a poor person brushes up beside you and asks “How much?” As if they could possibly afford the very luxuries you worked your entire life to inherit.

All you want is a place to shop for fine art, handsome furnishings, and the cutting edge of modern fashion without having to discern who is a customer and who is the help.

So if you’re looking for a shopping experience that’s classy and sophisticated, then look no further than Haymarket Mall.

Haymarket Mall. For the finer things in life.

RADIO SPOT 41(FILLED)

We all know Poseidon as the God of the Sea, riding the waves on his chariot of whales. As the guardian of the ocean, he knew everything there is to know about fish, and absolutely nothing about energy. So why would you trust Poseidon Energy to power your home, when you can harness the state of the art, nuclear fuel provided by the people at Mass Fusion?

Mass Fusion. Because the name says it all.

KIDS GANG sketch 2

Myrtle – FILLED

George – Boy

Mary – FILLED

(Filled)How’s it going, Myrtle?

Oh, just picking flowers for the wedding.

Wedding? Who’s getting married?

That’s none of your beeswax. But I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to tell you. That girl you like, Mary? She and Bobby Thompson are getting hitched.

Mary and Bobby? The school bully? Myrtle, that does hurt, it hurts a whole bunch!

Sorry, I meant to say it wouldn’t hurt me.

Well, we gotta break them up. My future depends on it!

Hm…you could try poisoning the wedding cake.

Myrtle, you scare me sometimes. I was thinking of something less…I don’t know, evil.

Oh fine. What if we made it so the groom saw the bride before the wedding? You do that, and the marriage is destined to fail.

So an unhappy marriage followed by a divorce, huh? Not ideal, but I’ll take it.

All right, the wedding is gonna happen near the jungle gym at 2pm. Mary’s gonna go down the slide and take the monkey bars to the altar. All you gotta do is convince Bobby to chase you to the slide before then. He’s sure to see Mary along the way.

How do I do that?

Make fun of his mama or something, I don’t know.

All right, I’m gonna do that now!

sometime later

Hi Myrtle, was that George you were talking to?

Hey Mary, that was George all right. He’s heading on over to the playground to pick a fight with Bobby.

Bobby? I don’t like him. What’re they fighting over anyway?

Dunno. Say, wanna have a pretend wedding?

Sure! That sounds like fun.

Great! Take these flowers, I’ll go get a priest.

THE GAMBLER – Alfred Hitchcock Presents Parody

Gambler – Male(FILLED)

British Robot – Male or Female(FILLED)

Lawyer Kensington – Male or Female

Some people work the nine to five. Earn what lesser men call an honest living. Me, I play the horses.

It wasn’t always like this, mind you. It began as a mistake. It ended up as a career. And in between all that was a lot of education, and not the kind they teach you in school. Or maybe they do teach it. It’s not like I know, considering I’ve never been.

Anyways, lately I’ve been on a real cooler. I started out the season up ten large and dropped down to cab fare in a week. Then I made the mistake of putting it all on a filly named Sully’s Girl.

radio announces Sully came in last place.

Now I’m in the tank for five dimes to a bagman named Butch. Problem is, all I got in the world are the clothes on my back and this moldy sandwich I fished out of a trash can. And in an hour, I won’t even have that.

That’s when I saw the ad in the Bugle. Supposedly a robot wants a fellow machine to travel with him to Los Angeles to pick up an inheritance. Well, I may not be a robot, but I can fake it easy enough.

conversation

I’m here about the ad.

I see. I’m sorry, but the ad was for a robot. You look human.

I’m a new prototype. A fully functioning android.

Oh? Then you won’t mind if I pour this scalding hot coffee on your lap.

Of course not. I’m a machine. I don’t feel pain.

(pours coffee)

How’s that?

(Holding in his screams) It’s fine. Don’t feel a thing.

Wonderful. We leave for Los Angeles tomorrow.

narration

The coffee burned like three day old syphilis. But I held it together for the cash. No, not the money he was paying me to drive. I wanted that inheritance. And if I could convince this bucket of bolts I was a machine, I could do the same for the lawyers.

When we got on the road, I learned everything about him. The factory he was built in, his serial number, and his primary function. He was a casino robot, charged with shuffling cards at a blackjack table. In fact, that’s all he ever talked about. It was all he was programmed to talk about it. Eventually, I had just about enough.

(if robot is female)

No, not the money she was paying me to drive.

When we got on the road, I learned everything about her. The factory she was built in, her serial number, and her primary function. She was a casino robot, charged with shuffling cards at a blackjack table. In fact, that’s all she ever talked about. It was all she was programmed to talk about it. Eventually, I had just about enough.

conversation

Did you know that it takes 2000 shuffles to properly randomize a deck?

Oh yeah, did you know that it only takes one bullet to kill a robot?

(robot shot, then shot again)

And that’s for pouring hot coffee on my lap!

narration

When I got to Los Angeles, I got a bad feeling. Not in my lap, of course. There was nothing there but pain. No, the feeling I had was more like a hunch. Like a six to one underdog taking a bad beat on a dried up river. So I flipped a coin. Heads I go in, tails I don’t.

The coin came up heads.

conversation

Are you Mr. Kensington? I’m the card shuffling robot you spoke to on the phone. I’m here to collect my inheritance.

(if female lawyer)

Are you Ms. Kensington? I’m the card shuffling robot you spoke to on the phone. I’m here to collect my inheritance.

Ah yes, do you have the documents?

Yes I do. Here’s my production slip, along with my bill of sale and retirement papers. They replaced me just last year with those new RobCo models.

I see. This is all well and good, but there’s one other document I think you should see.

What’s this?

It’s the factory recall slip from your manufacturer.

Factory recall? But that means-

Yes, I’m afraid there is no inheritance. Your model has a defect that makes you think you’re human. In a order to solidify that belief, you manufactured this backstory. But really, think about it. What sort of person would leave a massive fortune to a card shuffling robot?

Wait! I’m not really a robot! (rolls up sleeve) See? Flesh and bone!

Oh dear, there’s that defect cropping up again. I’m well aware of how realistic you prototypes are, we have a similar model in our office. But the fact remains you are a machine. Anyhow, don’t worry, security will have you boxed up and shipped back to Boston in no time.

No. Let me go! You can’t do this!

Gambler is electrocuted

Agh, agh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

RADIO SPOTS 56

It’s been said that a dog is man’s best friend. Well, let’s re-examine that theory, shall we? Does a best friend leave excrement all over your yard or rub his privates on your leg? Does a best friend demand you feed him, walk him, and throw him sticks, when clearly the only one getting anything aout of this relationship is him? No, true friendship is mutually beneficial. A real best friend will tell you a joke when you’re feeling down, or bake you cake on your birthday. He doesn’t dirty the floors, he sweeps them. And he greets your arrival with a sharp tongue, not a slobbering one.

It’s time we asked for more from a friendship. General Atomics Mr. Handy. Man’s Best Friend, Reinvented.

RADIO SPOT 36

Remember that time you tried to bake the perfect cake for your husband? And remember how the grocer didn’t have the strawberries he liked, so you ended up topping it with cherries instead? And remember how you forgot he was allergic to cherries, and he ended up hospitalized for over a week?

Well, that was some disaster. But it wasn’t your fault, it was the fault of your grocer. That’s why we recommend you shop at Super Duper Mart. Our shelves are always stocked with the freshest fruits and vegetables, as well as all the ingredients you need to bake a cake, or cook your next meal. That’s because as your grocer, we feel responsible for the health and well being of your family, almost as if we were a part of it.

Of course, the Super Duper Mart isn’t just a grocer. From food to electronics, gardening supplies to home decor, Super Duper Mart has it all, and now, you can too!

Super Duper Mart. For all your shopping needs.

OLD MOVIE STAR

Narrator – Male(FILLED)

Candace Booker – Female

Mr. or Ms. Perkins – Female/Male(FILLED)

Note: The narrator here is a Rod Serling Twilight Zone style read

Picture a woman looking at a picture. The motion kind. The woman watching is Candace Booker. Once a brilliant star, her shine has faded in the light of a new day. Formerly on cloud nine, her forecast for the next decade is neverending rain. Struck down, she finds herself lying in the street, trying desperately to write down the license number of the double decker bus that ran her over. A bus called fame.

Ms. Booker, would you like some tea? It’s almost noon and you’ve been in this room all day.

Tell me Mr. Perkins, when you look at this picture, what do you see?

I don’t know Ms. Booker. I just walked in.

You see nothing, because it’s empty. Films today are artless drivel designed for simpletons. Perfect for today’s youth, what with their jukeboxes and fast cars and rock ‘n roll! Whatever happened to charm and romance? Whatever happened to the 1930s?

Well, it wasn’t good times for most people, Ms. Booker. There’s a reason they call it “The Depression.”

And what do you think I am now? Happy? No, I’m more depressed than I’ve ever been!

I don’t think that’s what they mean by “depression,” Ms. Booker.

Then what do they mean, Mr. Perkins? Christ, that’s another thing that’s wrong with today’s youth, always speaking in jive. They don’t have the class of a Marcus Grant or Arthur Stewart! Why isn’t he in this picture?

Isn’t Mr. Stewart dead?

He is, and his rotting corpse is twice the man these greasers will ever be! In fact, we should dig him up! Then they’ll see! They’ll all see!

It’s the story of two washed up actors, one living, one dead, on the beach we call Hollywood. It’s two people who were once the bee’s knees, coming to the realization that when you can fly, knees are not a critical part of your anatomy.

Coming to theaters this summer, it’s Falling Stars – a story you won’t soon forget, about a time you’ve long since forgotten.

RADIO SPOT 44

Food scientists and inquiring minds want to know, what makes Cram so delicious? Let’s ask Sam Smith over at the Bugle.

Well, I’m afraid I don’t have an answer. According to my sources, it’s some kind of pink meat. All signs would point to a pig being the culprit. But I’ve tried pork, and it doesn’t taste half as good as cram.

Ha-ha, well Sam, I suppose the mystery continues. Why don’t we ask a local housewife, Lynn Beasley, what she thinks?

You wanna know what’s inside cram? To be honest, I have no idea. I’m just glad it saves me time, and the children love it.

But aren’t you worried about the nutritional contents?

I never thought about that. Is it unhealthy?

Of course not. Cram uses all natural ingredients that are then processed and filled with preservatives to ensure lasting flavor. You see, even mother nature needs a little help in the kitchen every now and then.

While we may never know what’s inside a box of Cram, I think we can all agree that the taste is no mystery. Cram. It’s mmm-mmm good.

RADIO SPOTS 51

On July 16, 1945, scientist J. Robert Oppenheimer was one of the first humans to witness the power of a nuclear weapon! Even 20 miles away, observers felt the heat of the explosion striking fear in the hearts of Communists everywhere!

Hello children, that sure was a day for me. Part of the thrill of science. The kind of real excitement I put into my great new game, Blast Radius.

The war is at a stalemate, the communists are approaching Anchorage, and you’ve got control of the button! Spin the mushroom cloud into big bombs, little bombs, and watch as our enemies melt into radioactive goo! But be careful or else…Uh-oh! It looks like a civilian town was almost caught in the Blast Radius!

That was a close one Tommy. But look! Your carpet bombing of the Alaskan front has sent our enemies fleeing into the night! Good work, commander in chief!

Enjoy all the skill and excitement of nuclear war, when you play Blast Radius! It’s fun for the whole family!

RADIO SPOTS 49

We all know how much kids and adults alike love the great taste of Nuka-Cola Classic, Nuka Cherry, and Diet Nuke. And now it’s our pleasure to announce to you the latest in soda and flavor technology. Nuka-Cola Quantum. With seventeen fruit flavors blended together with that signature cola taste, Nuka-Cola is the perfect soft drink for all occasions. With its new Strontium additive, it’s got that unique kick that will keep you feeling fresh and radiant, whether it’s for a day at the job or a night on the town.

Nuka-Cola Quantum! Twice the carbohydrates, twice the caffeine and twice the taste!

 

RADIO SPOT 37b

Did you know at Slocum’s Joe, you can get a large coffee and a jelly donut for only $30?

Thirty dollars? You’re yanking my chain.

I’m telling the truth. And if you don’t like jelly, there’s over 50 different flavors to choose from.

Wait, I wanna go back. You’re saying I can get a large coffee and a jelly donut for only thirty dollars?

That’s right.

And it’s not some special promotion? The price won’t change in a week?

Nope. You go today, tomorrow, or even next year, and the price will be the same. Thirty dollars.

That’s incredible. I think I have thirty dollars just lying in my couch cushions!

And there’s no better place to spend it than at Slocum’s Joe. The only place to start your morning.

RADIO SPOTS 48

IRISHMAN 1 (FILLED)

IRISHMAN 2

After a hard day’s work, nothing beats a night at the pub.

What if I won the lottery? Wouldn’t that be better?

Well, technically yes, but what are your chances of winning that? I’d say you’d have more luck convincing a pastor to steal.

But you gotta play to win. And I can’t do that if I’m too busy drinking.

Oh for Christ’s sake, O’Brien, we’re doing an ad!

Really? For what? I don’t give my endorsement to just any old pub, you know.

It’s for The Shamrock Taphouse, you mutt! Authentic Irish fare! Daily drink specials! The finest Domestic and European beer, whiskey, and liquors on draught!

Oh, you mean the Shamrock Taphouse? I like that place.

Of course you do, you practically live there. So come on down to the Shamrock for good times, good friends, and great deals. You can bet your pint me and O’Brien will be there too!

RADIO SPOT 34

King (Filled)
Teen

When is this jukebox gonna stop eating my quarters? It’s really annoying.

Well, have you thought about buying your own jukebox?

My liege, is it really you?

Oh yeah, I’m the king baby. The King of Radiation. And starting this Friday, I’m offering 20% off on all Juke ‘N Jives at participating stores!

Wow, twenty percent! Those savings are so hot, they’re practically radioactive!

They’re a hunk o’ burning love kid.

But your grace, is it true what they say about the radiation levels emitted by your products?

That’s not something I can legally answer, daddy-o. But let me ask you this. Did you know that there’s good cholesterol, and bad cholesterol?

I didn’t know that. Are you saying your radiation is the good kind?

I’m heavily implying it. Now head on over to my store, you dig, and get yourself a jukebox.

I will, my liege, I will.

RADIO SPOT 33

Wife(FILLED)

Husband

Honey, the TV’s on the fritz again!

Did you try kicking it?

I’ve tried kicking it, shooting it, and even tossing it in the microwave. And the fact is, I think it’s cooked.

Well, don’t worry, I heard the Radiation King is coming to a city near us.

Sweetie, keep your voice down! You can’t support a monarchy in this day and age! The neighbors might think we’re anti-American!

Ha-ha-ha, oh sugar cakes, the Radiation King isn’t a monarch, he’s just the king of electronics!

They have a king for that?

Well, when you offer three different types of TV sets, as well as ham radios and jukeboxes at rock bottom prices, there’s no title more appropriate.

But what does radiation have to do with electronics?

You’ll have to read the caution label for that. Let’s just say the next time you need an X-ray, we might not need to go to the doctor. We can just use the big screen.

A big screen? Do you mean it?

Oh yes. I’m talking 16 inches. We might not even have enough space. But we’ll have more than enough money. All thanks to the Radiation King!

RADIO SPOT 45

patterned this after a margarine commercial

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AYJH1kS3w8

This is Fred Barnes speaking for Blamco, a division of National Dairy Products Corporation. Blamco, for good food and good food ideas.

And now I present to you the smoothest, tastiest Macaroni and Cheese you can buy. The butter and cheese is golden whipped by a special Blamco process that leaves it lighter than a cloud. Look at how Jim here spreads a generous portion over his frankfurter. This is his third helping, and he’s yet to reach for that antacid bottle. Despite having stomach problems, there’s no fear of the runs here, not with Blamco flowing through his colon. And believe me when I say, it tastes even better than it sounds.

Mac and Cheese, the light, tasty dinner in a box. Made by Blamco.

RADIO SPOT 46

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S009vWgVjoE

A buzzer sounds. Heavy iron jaws open slowly. The gangster-proof barrier is down, and the car slips into this dark alley, carrying more bills than a cash register. Could it be? Does sweet little Jenny from accounting balance books…for the mob?

Ah, not to worry, there’s nothing sinister here. No, this is merely a new kind of service offered by Weatherby Savings and Loan. No more parking, no more waiting in line! Whether you come in a car, carriage, or military vessel, rest assured you never have to leave the comfort of your vehicle!

Why, this is banking on wheels, and just look how the money rolls in!

Weatherby Savings and Loan. With our new drive-in service, you’ll never get stuck in line again.

RADIO SPOT 37b(filled)

They say Henry Warner Slocum was a punctual fellow. He was never late for work, and he never missed an appointment. When the President asked for able bodied men to lead the fight, he was first in line to sign up. So why is it when American blood spilled all over Gettysburg, Henry Slocum was nowhere to be found?

Well, legend has it Henry wasn’t feeling himself that day, on account of a bad cup of joe. And seeing the carnage strewn across the battlefield, Henry Warner Slocum made a vow. He promised to never let bad coffee and stale donuts take another American life. That’s why he came up with the recipe found in every cup of Slocum’s Joe, and made it the official coffee of the United States.

So next time you’re feeling a little groggy, stop by your local Slocum’s Joe. You won’t have to take on a rebellion, but with one sip, you’ll be ready to take on the day.

RADIO SPOT 39(FILLED)

Button Gwinnett. You know him as an American statesman. One of the signatories of the Declaration of Independence. He was the president of Georgia, a saint of freedom, and a man of his word. And now, he’s a beer.

(pop open beer sound effect)

Gwinnett Beer – The only brew made from hops as fine and patriotic as Button himself.

RADIO SPOT 40(FILLED)

And now, an important public service announcement:

We at Grey Tortoise cigarettes realize children can be negatively affected by tobacco advertisements. That’s why our company has decided to suspend the use of Tommy Tortoise in future campaigns. Children will no longer be able to wear Tommy’s sleek leather jackets or his signature tortoise shell sunglasses, nor will they be able to watch the Tommy Tortoise cartoon.

Our company recognizes Tommy’s good looks and laid back attitude made him a role model to today’s youth, when in truth children should be modeling their behavior and fashion choices after their parents.

That’s why starting today we are launching a new anti-smoking campaign – If you want to be cool and hip, don’t be like Tommy Tortoise, Humphrey Bogart, or Lauren Bacall, all three of whom love the great taste of Grey Tortoise cigarettes. Be like your parents instead.

THE DEVIL YOU KNOW

Hotel Guest – Male or Female(FILLED)

Concierge – Male or Female

Concierge 2 – Male or Female

man approaches hotel concierge desk.

Evening sir, how may I help you?

Well, this is going to sound a bit strange, but I was wondering if you could tell me where I am.

Why, you’re in a hotel.

Right, but where? What city?

City? I’m afraid you’re confused. There are no cities here.

What do you mean?

Ah, we get your type all the time. You must’ve been in an accident. That’s why you don’t remember how you got here.

How did I get here?

I’m afraid there’s no way of putting this gently, so I’ll just come out and say it. You’re dead.

What? That’s ridiculous. I’m standing right here.

You are, and you’re not. Look behind you, for instance. Don’t you find it strange that this hotel has no front door? How exactly did you get inside?

I don’t know. Maybe this is some kind of trick.

That’s certainly possible. Perhaps, as you say, this is all an elaborate stage. But there are some things a person can’t fake, like a pulse. Why don’t you check yours?

Why I…I don’t feel anything.

Now check mine.

(grabs mans hand)

You see? Nothing. Now, if I may have your name?

Robin. Robin Archer.

Archer…Archer…why yes, here you are.  Stabbed on the corner of Main and 5th, at 6:47 pm. Pronounced dead at the scene.

I…I remember. There was a man on the street. He asked for the time and then…jesus. It’s true. I’m dead. I’m really dead.

It appears so.

So what happens now?

Well, you have a choice. While we don’t have any doors, you may have noticed we do have an elevator. In fact, you can even take it down to the ground floor. Back from whence you came.

Wait, I can go back? Why didn’t you just say so then? If that’s the case I’m going home right now!

It’s not that simple Mr. Archer. You go back and you’ll be starting over from the beginning. You’ll have a new name, a new family, and a new life.

And if I take the elevator up?

Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? Mulled by philosophers and drunks alike. What world awaits us after we die? It would be so much easier if we knew the answer.

Are you saying you don’t know what’s up there?

Oh heavens no. I don’t have the courage. You see, I was once like you. The problem is I could never decide which way to go. Up, or down. So I ended up just staying here and keeping count.

But why not just take the elevator up? That’s heaven up there right? There’s none of the evils and horrors you’ll find back on Earth.

And yet let me ask you something. Who allowed those evils to exist?

I don’t know. I guess that would be God.

And after all you’ve seen, after how you got here, do you believe he’s a benevolent one? How do you know what’s waiting for you up there is any better than what’s down below?

I guess it’s a matter of faith.

I’m afraid so. You must choose between the devil you know, and the God you don’t.

So what’s the count? How many people go up, and how many go down?

As a matter of fact, it’s dead even. 999 million, 999 thousand, 999. On both sides. You will break the tie.

Then there’s nothing left to do but choose.

guest takes elevator (elevator ding noise)

That was surprising. I thought for sure he’d go the other way.

I thought so too. But either way, that settles it. The agreement was a first to a billion, wasn’t it?

Yes. It’s rather unfortunate for them, but no one can say we didn’t give humanity a choice.

True enough. Free will is tricky that way. I can never figure out if it’s a strength or a flaw.

Well, perhaps the next world will prove more decisive. Let’s go.

 

 

RADIO SPOT 39(FILLED)

Button Gwinnett. You know him as an American statesman. One of the signatories of the Declaration of Independence. He was the president of Georgia, a saint of freedom, and a man of his word. And now, he’s a beer.

(pop open beer sound effect)

Gwinnett Beer – The only brew made from hops as fine and patriotic as Button himself.

RADIO SPOT 40(FILLED)

And now, an important public service announcement:

We at Grey Tortoise cigarettes realize children can be negatively affected by tobacco advertisements. That’s why our company has decided to suspend the use of Tommy Tortoise in future campaigns. Children will no longer be able to wear Tommy’s sleek leather jackets or his signature tortoise shell sunglasses, nor will they be able to watch the Tommy Tortoise cartoon.

Our company recognizes Tommy’s good looks and laid back attitude made him a role model to today’s youth, when in truth children should be modeling their behavior and fashion choices after their parents.

That’s why starting today we are launching a new anti-smoking campaign – If you want to be cool and hip, don’t be like Tommy Tortoise, Humphrey Bogart, or Lauren Bacall, all three of whom love the great taste of Grey Tortoise cigarettes. Be like your parents instead.

Connie Goes Home(FILLED)

Connie – Male or Female

Connie’s Friend – Male or Female(Filled)

Connie’s Sister (FILLED)

(narration)

Boy, is it good to be home. Everything’s just how I remember. There’s Dot’s Diner, right next to the old drug store. The people are the same too. There’s Bill the barber. Martha the grocer. And Charlie the racist. Allegedly. I guess they still haven’t proven those costumes were his. And frankly, they probably never will. That’s because nothing ever changes in Springfield.

(conversation)

Connie! It’s good to have you back! Where have you been?

Costa Rica. Working with animals mostly. Magnificent creatures you’ll find there.

Sounds wonderful. So what brings you to town?

I don’t know. I felt homesick.

And you just hopped on a plane back here?

Yeah.

Well you probably should’ve given your family some warning. Given them time to prepare for your homecoming.

Why? I thought they might like it if I surprised them.

Really, that’s not a good idea. You should call them first. Why don’t we use the phone right here?

Now you’re acting strange. Why should I call them first? What’s going on?

(Sigh) I don’t know how to tell you this, so I won’t. Why don’t you go home and talk to your sister.

Connie goes home

Connie! What are you doing here? Why didn’t you call?

Does a girl need a reason to come back home?

(male) Does a man need a reason to come back home?

Well no, not usually. But after the drugs and the mental institution we thought…

What drugs? What institution? I’ve been in Costa Rica.

Oh Connie, your doctors said you might have delusions. Things to fill the gaps in time. I mean, could you even point out Costa Rica on a map?

Sure. It’s right next to Arizona somewhere.

I’m afraid not.

Are you calling me a liar? Where’s dad, he’ll tell you!

Connie, you don’t remember? You murdered your father, right in this very room, and we’ve been trying to cover it up ever since.

I murdered him? Oh my god…is that what caused me to lose my mind?

Well…no. You were actually dealing with it quite well. But then you started making advances at Sam.

What’s wrong with that? Sam’s a good looking man.

Sam’s a girl. And your sister. And she’s been dead for seven years.

Oh no…was it me? Did I kill her? Did that put me over the edge?

That or the pills or that weird cult you joined. Look, the point is it’s really awkward when you come home and I have to explain this to you every time. If you called I could’ve made up some story, like dad and Sammy went out fishing.

He went fishing, huh. And he didn’t even invite me! I’m gonna kill him!

(narration)

It’s the same old story in Springfield. Everything’s just how I remember.

RADIO SPOT 37(FILLED)

Drama. Comedy. And Sports. All at the turn of the dial. If you want the best in entertainment, the only place to find it is in front of a Universal Electric, black daylight television set. That’s right, with this television, you’ll get blacker blacks and whiter whites, helping your eyes segregate the colors on screen better than any other brand. The cabinet has been slaved over by America’s finest craftsmen, and features a brown, mahogany finish that has been hand-whipped and varnished for lasting durability. Despite being a separate piece of furniture, you’ll find it fits equally into any room, all at a much lower cost to you. So own a Universal Electric television today, for better contrast and a better experience.

RADIO SPOT 31(FILLED)

Attention everyone. For a limited time only, in every box of Spring Valley Potato Crisps is an offer for a free Moon Map! That’s right, with Spring Valley Crisps, you or your child can be the envy of aspiring astronauts everywhere!

Remember, the free moon map offer is found only in specially marked boxes of Spring Valley Potato Crisps.

Spring Valley Potato Crisps, the snack so light and fresh they’re out of this world!

RADIO SPOT 29(FILLED)

Not everyone can afford their own bomb shelter. And even if you have one, there’s no guarantee you can reach that shelter should nuclear fallout come to your city. That’s why at Pulowski Preservation Services, we’re in the process of building coin-operated, single unit fallout shelters throughout the greater metropolitan area.

To use one of our state of the art booths, simply place the correct change into the coin slot, enter the chamber and wait for the titanium door to close behind you. Rest assured that once closed, the door will remain completely sealed, keeping you safe from all the Johnny Come Latelys attempting to claw their way inside. Ha-ha-ha, sorry Johnny, you’re gonna have to find your own shelter. This one’s taken.

Once the radiation subsides, simply press the button to open the door and begin the task of rebuilding civilization. Because at Pulowski, we’re about preserving our future, and that future begins with you.

PSA on MARRIAGE(FILLED)

This is what a marriage looks like, at the beginning. This is what it looks like ten years later, after the birth of your first child. And this is what it looks like twenty years later, when you and your partner are going through a messy divorce that statistics say is almost guaranteed, provided you’re an atheist.

Marriages built on faith, however, provide the foundation for a stable, loving union. You and your spouse can work through your issues, knowing that if one of you doesn’t, a fiery hell awaits you both for breaking your vows.

To find out how to put religion first in your home, visit your local church or synagogue this weekend.

Radio Spot 28

Everybody knows people love the taste of Fancy Lads. They’re a big delight in every bite. As for how big, well, just ask Uncle Ricky. His love of lads knows no bounds. Fancy Lads Snack Cakes, that is. After all, Ricky’s desire for sweet, tasty delights is completely independent of his love of other things, like the young men he teaches at the nearby community college. That’s right, he loves those lads like they were his own wife. And by lads we mean snacks, of course. Fancy Lads, a big delight in every bite!

RADIO SPOT 30

Spring Valley Potato Crisps are so light, so crisp, that it’s impossible to eat just one. You can eat a hundred. You can eat a million. You can eat nothing but potato crisps from now until the day your chest explodes from heart failure. But you’ll never be able to eat just one. Don’t take our word for it, ask the food scientists who’ve engineered our crisps to be as addictive as they are delicious.

That’s why we at Spring Valley our working hard to make sure every store in your neighborhood is fully stocked at all times. That way you can finish every last crisp, secure in the knowledge that you’ll never have to eat anything else.

Spring Valley Potato Crisps. Because you can never eat just one.

SPORTS INTERVIEW 1

(FILLED) And now, some history:

On this date in 1962, the home team faced up against that mighty juggernaut from San Francisco, in a game that would go to extra innings – 21 all told before the night was over. Or rather, after the night was over, as the game went well into the daytime. Here’s what the San Francisco skipper had to say:

Mare-uh-shall

Skipper! You had Marichal on the mound today, and he was the bee’s knees, a real Dominican Dandy. But given how many innings he threw, can he continue to be your butter and egg man all the way to the Champ’s Ball?

I think he can. He’s our horse, and we’re gonna ride him.

And what about your thoughts on what the Millville Meteor said after the game? He said by tomorrow, he’s forecasting a full on shower of baseballs in the upper deck! Do you see your team jitterbugging around him? Or will you invite him to the dance with a little chin music?

We don’t have to pitch to him, if that’s what you’re asking. It doesn’t matter how good your opponent is, you can always take the bat out of his hands.

Is that what you’re planning to do, coach? Give him the ol’ four finger walk-a-roo?

You’ll see.

(FILLED)Well, the next night, the skipper, true to his word, walked the Meteor five times. Unfortunately for him, the man batting after him provided enough fireworks to light up the sky ten times over. And the home team took the trophy home. On this date in 1962.

SPORTS INTERVIEW 2

(FILLED)And now, some history:

On this date in 1951, Rocky Marciano took on the Brown Bomber, Joe Louis, in a matchup of two of the sport’s greatest titans. Few knew it at the time, however, as Louis was nearing the end of his career, and Rocky was merely starting it. Such is the whimsy of time that the two would never meet at their respective peaks.

Champ! It looked like you had the Bomber doing the Turkey Trot out there like it was two days before Thanksgiving! How long before you realized that goose was cooked?

(FILLED)Joe Louis is a great champion, and a great man. I have nothing but respect for him. It’s just my time.

So what’s next for you champ? Are you gonna get a shot at the title? Cause the way I see it, you got fire in those hands and Jersey Joe’s sweating gasoline!

(FILLED)Well, I still have a few more fights before I can get a title shot. But I’m looking forward to the challenge.

(FILLED)Marciano would go on to win those fights and every fight after, finishing his career at 49-0 with 43 knockouts. But on that night it was about two legends going on separate paths, but occupying the same ring. On this date in 1951.

 

PSA on EMOTIONAL DISTRESS

No! I don’t wanna! Do it yourself!

Bill storms out.

(Filled) Ugh, that guy! He burns me up!

(Filled) Don’t get angry. Bill’s having a tough time. He’s upset. Emotionally upset, just like a baby.

(Filled) Well he shouldn’t be! The man’s over 40 years old!

(Filled) I realize that, but he can’t help it. He’s mentally ill. In his heart.

How true that is. People who overreact to minor situations may be emotionally ill. It’s not because they want to be, it’s because they have to be. But remember, these people can be saved. Sometimes it comes in the form of a sympathetic ear, or general human kindness. Other times it come in the form of professional help, like therapy. or a mental institution. 

When that time comes, Parsons State Insane Asylum is here to help. Our technicians are fully trained in the latest mental health techniques to guide your loved ones on the path to wellness. Stop by our facilities and get a tour of the campus today.

DEVIANT BEHAVIOR PSA

Narrator (Female) – FILLED
Mother (Female) – FILLED
Brad (Male) – (FILLED)
Teasing Classmate 1 (FILLED)
Teasing Classmate 2 (Male/Female) – FILLED
Sally (Female) – (FILLED)
Sally’s Boyfriend (Male) – FILLED

This is Brad. Every morning he starts his day by refusing to get out of bed. It isn’t until his mother drags him out that he even bothers to open his eyes.

Wake up Brad! It’s time for school! Oof! Have you been putting on weight?

Does she have to do this every morning Brad? Even if you’re a hopeless lout, at the very least you could stop being a burden to everyone else.

Meanwhile, your sister Karen has already gotten dressed and even has time to set the dining table. It’s not that Karen likes mornings. Far from it. But knowing this, she planned ahead by picking out her clothes the night before. And while she may be groggy, a bowl of Sugar Bombs and a dose of mentats is all she needs to get ready for school.

(bus noise)

And Brad, notice how Karen is never late for the bus? On the other hand, it’s clear by that dogtrot that you’ve not only missed the bus, but your shoes are on the wrong feet. Now the neighbors are pointing and laughing, not just at you, but at your parents for having raised such a helpless, clumsy child. And the embarrassment doesn’t stop once you arrive at school. If you thought the neighbors were cruel, then you obviously weren’t prepared for the jeers of your fellow classmates.

Nice shoes Brad, you dingus!
Yeah Brad, you dingus!

Perhaps you even resent Karen, who with the help of her mentats addiction, answered every question the teacher raised and got a perfect score on the recent test.

Afterschool, you find two of your classmates making eyes at each other. They’re obviously having a private moment, but given your inability to read a room let alone a book, you can’t help but interrupt them.

Hey guys! Whatcha up to?
Oh…ahem…hey Brad…what are you doing here?
Yeah Brad, we’re kind of busy. Is there something you want?
Yeah, I uh…well, how’s the weather?
The weather? Why don’t you just look out the window and see for yourself?

That didn’t go very well now, did it? Not only did you ruin Sally’s first kiss, but worse yet, you added nothing to the conversation. It turns out you don’t know the first thing about the weather, Brad, so it would be smart to stop asking about it.

(Brad crying) 

Oh please. It’s a little late for tears, isn’t it Brad? You’ve had your whole life to prepare for this day, and now you’ve blown it. In the end, you have no one to blame but yourself.

(Brad crying some more) 

Does Brad remind you of anyone? If so, there’s really only one way to prevent deviant behavior like this. Preparation. By planning ahead, you can avoid making the mistakes Brad makes, or at least give yourself more time to correct them. Remember, in life, there are rarely any real surprises. There’s only a failure to prepare for them.

RADIO SPOT 7(female)

And now, a message from our sponsors:

Every woman wants to look their best for a night on the town. But it’s important to remember that when the night is done, many cosmetics leave traces of oil and dirt that can clog pores and leave your skin looking a mess when that handsome gentleman caller wakes you up the next morning. That’s why Mary May’s new line of cosmetics adds trace amounts of radiation to help ensure your face is completely dirt free.

Using a standard Geiger counter, you can detect when dirt and makeup are still on your face and remove them before they cause problems down the line. If you aren’t sure which cosmetics have been radioactively enhanced, just look for the yellow hazard symbol on the label.

Clinical scientists, beauticians, and men of all types agree. The only way to keep your face clean and beautiful is with Mary May, the leader in cutting edge cosmetics!

RADIO SPOT 26

What a beautiful day. A carefree, happy day, one that you’ll want to relive again and again. You can try remembering this day on your own, but for some reason you can’t piece it all together. You can try drawing it, but let’s face it, you’re hardly an artist. You can try going back to the same spot, with the same people, only to find that you’re older, crankier, and the entire area has been bombarded with nuclear missiles. In fact, these days, there’s only one way to save a perfect summer day. It’s with pictures. Use Codac cameras to save all your best days, because it will only get worse from here.

Comedy Duo Skit 1

So John, got any plans tonight?

None that involve you.

Why not? We could catch a movie.

No offense, but going to the movies with you is like watching paint dry.

That doesn’t make any sense. Going to a movie isn’t like watching anything but the movie.

It makes perfect sense. I go to a movie. You sit next to me. And now I’m bored.

What if I randomly sat next to you? How would you even know I was there?

How else, because there’d be paint on the screen. Nothing but drying paint.  And as soon as I saw the paint, I’d say to myself, “Gee, I bet I know who that is sitting next to me. Why it’s my old pal Jeffrey.”

But have you ever seen paint dry? It’s not as dull as you think.

Of course it is. It’s paint. It dries. End of story.

Well, let me ask you this. Which part dries first, the top or the bottom?

Huh. That’s a good question. I guess I don’t know.

So you admit, it’s kind of interesting.

Maybe. What’s your point?

My point is, stop being an insufferable ass and let’s go watch a movie.

Comedy Duo Skit 2

I’m taking you out of the game, Skip.

My name’s Jean-Baptiste, coach.

Damnit Skip, didn’t I tell you I don’t speak French? 

Neither do I. And besides, I thought you were the skipper.

I am the skipper. And you’re Skip. And this peanut butter on my thumb is Skippy.

What’s the peanut butter for?

What do you think it’s for? It’s to doctor the baseball. 

My baseball needs a doctor? Is it sick?

It’s got the PTSD you dummy! Because in case you haven’t noticed, that team from St. Louis has spent the past hour knocking the cover off the thing! And do you know whose fault that is?

I’m afraid I don’t coach.

Yours, you nincompoop!

I thought you said my name was Skip.

Comedy Duo Skit 3

What’s the matter John? You look a little blue.

Whattaya mean I look blue?

I mean what I mean. You look blue.

So you’re saying I look sunny, like the sky?

No, the opposite. I’d say you’re mind’s a little cloudy.

So you’re saying I look gray. Personally, I’d say I look a little green.

I don’t follow you. Are you saying you’re green in the gills? Green with envy?

No, like I’m about to puke. Probably from looking at your mug all day.

Look, blue, gray, or green, the point is you don’t look well. Is something wrong?

Yeah, as the matter of fact there is. I just found out my best friend is color blind.

PSA on COMMIE OR CITIZEN 1(FILLED)

America is a country founded on liberty and virtue. These are things that must be nurtured from generation to generation, lest they wither away to the vagaries of time. You might be wondering, why should I donate my free time to civil service? Well, let me ask you a question. Are you a citizen, or a communist?

It might seem like an obvious question. Of course you’re a citizen. Most of you were born here, whereas some of you may have come here and taken the oath. But citizenship is about more than just being on American soil. It’s about maintaining a loyalty to the principles this country was founded on. Which is why many of you well-meaning individuals may be communists without even knowing it.

Do you resent the good fortune displayed by our wealthiest citizens? Then you might be a communist.

Do you often question the actions of your leaders in government? Then you might be a communist.

Do you sometimes feel an attraction to your fellow man that goes beyond platonic? You could be a homosexual. But also, a communist.

Do you find yourself speaking Russian in your sleep, or have pictures of Lenin in your home? Well, then you might just be a communist.

Even if you answered no to the previous questions, it doesn’t mean your work is done. It is your job as an American citizen to report any suspicious behavior to the proper authorities. It could be your neighbor, your boss, or even your Congressman. Being an American is about more than having the right documents. Remember what it says in the Constitution. As an American you have the inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of communists, wherever they may hide.

 

PSA on COMMIE OR CITIZEN 3(FILLED)

Did you know that the oldest known chameleon was found in Anhui, China? That’s right, the very same country that serves as the capital for modern socialism. So it’s not surprising that in recognizing a Communist, physical appearance can sometimes be misleading. Many Communists dress and behave like ordinary American citizens, blending into their surroundings just like their chameleon ancestors.

So how do we identify them? It’s not an easy question to answer. That’s why if you encounter someone you suspect is a Communist, it’s best not to interrogate them. In many cases, a left-wing activist will reveal themselves without prompting, usually by parroting the propaganda found in their Marxist newsletters.

Of course, not all Communists will declare themselves openly. Some are under strict orders by the Chinese government to avoid that very thing. These covert agents will typically have a strong interest in photography, and spend the majority of their free time loitering outside sensitive military sites.

However, even those instructed to keep their identities a secret will betray their allegiances one way or the other. This is because the average Communist can’t help but condemn our American way of life. They will criticize our foreign policy, our muscle cars, and our barbecued ribs. They may struggle to remember the names of the Founding Fathers, or maintain poor posture when listening to our national anthem.

If this sounds like someone you know, it’s imperative you notify the Department of Justice immediately. A failure to apprehend even one Communist comes at the expense of American lives, both here and abroad.

LONE GUNMAN STORY

NARRATOR – (FILLED)

BARTENDER – (FILLED)

GUNMAN – (OPEN)

narrator
The year was 1842. The place was somewhere west of the Colorado. The Deadlands they called them, for reasons that were obvious to people on the outside, and heartbreaking for those left in.

Somewhere deep in those Deadlands, there was a town without a name, and there was a reason for that too. You see, for a traveler a name is something timeless, a marker you can put on a map and find decades later. A name is a promise, a sign at the door that meant shelter from the dust storms and a card game at the saloon. But whatever name was given to this accursed strip of land, it came and went before the ink went dry. That’s because it was a town run by outlaws, for outlaws, and whatever promises they made were left unspoken.

So when the stranger walked into that saloon, no one took notice. Not the painted ladies doing their nightly rounds. Not the gunslingers playing five finger fillet. Not even the bartender living here against his will, because no one else could mix a proper drink. But little did he know the stranger was the one person who could liberate them all, if he could just look past her face.

Give me a shot of whiskey, and leave the bottle.

Coming right up ma’am. (pours drink, gives her an examining glance) You new in town?

Yeah. I heard you’ve got trouble with some outlaws.

That’s putting it mildly. But there’s nothing anyone can do about it now.

Where’s the sheriff?

If you mean the man with the badge, he’s in his office. But the badge doesn’t mean much when the guy wearing it shot the previous owner dead.

Sounds to me like you could use some help. Maybe even a new sheriff.

I’m sorry lady, but you’re wasting your time. This town is beyond saving. You know how I know? Because every day some gunslinger comes riding through here, talking about how they’re gonna clean this place up. And every single one gets strung up and fed to the crows.

And your point being?

I’d hate to see that pretty face of yours added to the list.

(taps gun) That’s not how I make my living.

Hmph. It doesn’t matter how fast you are with that gun. They’ve got numbers, and they don’t fight fair.

Well good, because my hands aren’t that fast anyway. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna dirty ’em.

So you aren’t fast, and you don’t fight dirty. Sounds to me like I’m wasting that bottle on a corpse.

Don’t worry. In about a week, I’ll be the only one left to pay their tab.

You know, you do a lot of talking, but believe me when I say it’s nothing I haven’t heard before. The fact remains, there’s more than twenty of them, and one of you.

There’s ways to even the odds.

And how are you going to do that?

I don’t know yet. But if you wanna help, you can start by telling me about the outlaws who run this town. I wanna know where they eat, where they piss, who they sleep with and where, starting with the men at the card table.

The old bartender told her what she needed to know, even though part of him felt like he was sending her to her grave. In response the stranger simply nodded her head, confident in the fact that while her hands were slow, her aim was true. But more than that, she knew she was willing to dirty her hands far more than she let on, and it started the day she picked up that gun.

To the stranger, the gun was the great equalizer, a necessary evil for someone born of the fairer sex. And what did that word even mean, fair? Life had never been fair to her. In fact, it spent every day of her childhood finding new and inventive ways to express its cruelty, none more so than the day her brother died. So when she found a way to tip the scales, to bring balance to an unjust world, there was nothing dirty or unfair about it.

Who’s the leader?

That would be the sheriff I mentioned earlier. You won’t get to him as easily as the others. He doesn’t have a routine and he keeps two bodyguards with him at all times. But he does have a weakness, if you can call it that – a flair for the dramatic.

So he likes putting on a show. High noon, guns in holsters, all of that.

That’s right. But like I said, you can’t really call it a weakness because he’s such a quick draw. Faster than anyone I’ve ever seen. And if you’re as slow as you say…

Let me worry about that. Tell the undertaker he can expect seventeen bodies by the weekend. The bodyguards will surrender after I kill the Sheriff.

True to her word, it took her less than a week to get rid of most of the outlaws. They’d find themselves dead at their usual habits, at the same spots the bartender had mentioned to the stranger that lonely night at the saloon. But as the bodies piled up, the outlaws got angry. The Sheriff, feeling desperate for the first time in his long, unbreakable tenure, gathered up everyone in town for a mass execution. There would be hell to pay, even if he didn’t know who or what was footing the bill.

With the risk of innocent lives being put to the noose, the stranger could no longer hide behind the fairness of her sex. She stepped forward and confessed to the killings, knowing damn well she wouldn’t be believed. But she also knew it would give her an opportunity to prove it, and in the end, that’s what she was aiming for. A chance to go mano a mano with the sheriff himself.

The duel was set for high noon the next day, and the stranger made sure to keep her appointment. They would stand a good sixty paces apart, hands shadowing their holsters as the long hand crept ever closer to the top of the hour. And when that journey came to an end, she knew the Sheriff would be the faster draw, and his bullet would hit her first. But she also knew that if that bullet didn’t kill her, she only needed one shot to drop the man who killed her brother, to bring the balance she spent her entire life searching for. So when the clock struck twelve and the Sheriff’s bullet ripped through her shoulder, she didn’t flinch. Her base was solid, her hands were steady, her aim true.

The stranger left the town the next night, but not before paying her tab and leaving the bartender a generous tip. The bartender asked her to stay of course, and when she said “no” he asked her for a favor instead. He figured the town was finally worthy of a name, and what better name to give it than that of its savior. But the stranger refused to give one, and so the town went on nameless, for a time. But from that day forward, travelers who roamed the Deadlands often spoke of a sanctuary, a place where weary folk could find a shot of whiskey, a hot bath, and a warm bed.

All they needed to do was look for the sign outside the door that said, in no uncertain terms, Strangers Welcome.

 

DUCK AND COVER

Did you see what Bert the Turtle just did? He ducked, then covered. And while you may not have a shell of your own, you do have protection. Just as Bert’s shell safeguards him from the impact of an atomic explosion, so too does your desk, provided you duck and cover yourself under it.

But how will you know when the bombs strike? Well, one of the signature elements of an atomic bomb explosion is a bright flash, brighter than the sun, brighter than anything you’ve ever seen. If you stare too long, chances are it will be the last thing you see too. Just watch what happens to poor Mary here as the radiation melts her eyes. And beside her is Daniel. He managed to turn away from the flash, but didn’t realize that the impact from the explosion can break windows or throw your body clear off its feet. As a result, Daniel was sent flying across the room, where his body was pierced by an American flag.

Meanwhile, Bobby here is safe and secure under his desk. He remembered to duck under his desk and cover his head. As such, the only radiation he’ll expose himself to is the touch of Mary’s irradiated corpse.

But remember, nuclear war can come at any time. It can happen in the schoolyard, on the bus, or in the restroom. If there is no desk or table available, duck and cover near a wall, a urinal, or someone whose life you value less than your own.

When this film is over, discuss how you would duck and cover in various locations, and make sure to practice at least once a day. Doing so may very well save your life.

KIDS GANG sketch 1

Whatcha doing there, slick?

I’m starting a lemonade stand.

Oh yeah? How much for a glass?

Just five cents.

Mmm! This is good stuff! How’d you make it?

Well, it’s made of sugar, water, and one special ingredient. My little brother’s tears.

(spits out lemonade) Pfffff!!!!  You out of your mind?

No. I’m just doing like my mom and dad told me. They said “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” Problem is, life hasn’t given me many lemons. But my brother is another story.  He’s practically a lemon factory.

What happened to him?

Well for one, he has an older brother that’s a real jerk and beats him up all the time. It’s kind of a raw deal I know, but it’s in the older brother contract. I’ve got an obligation.

That’s true. No getting around it. So what happens if your brother toughens up? He won’t be crying forever.

Oh, there’s lots of other options. Like the used car my Uncle Herman got last month. My mom says it’s a real lemon. So next time he changes his oil, I’m gonna try putting some of the leftovers into my next batch.

I don’t know slick. Why not try actual lemons?

Well, my parents say I also gotta think outside the box. That’s the only way I’m gonna get rich. Problem is, when I went to the market, all the lemons were in boxes. Not a single one outside of it.

That’s a damn shame. It does give me an idea though. What if you bought those lemons, but instead of putting ’em in a box, you put it in something else, like a can?

That’s a swell idea, Albie, but where we gonna get cans from? 

Motor oil cans, you dummy, for your uncle’s lemon!

Oh gosh, I didn’t think of that. That’s a lemon in a lemon. We could charge double for that!

Now you’re making lemonade. Come on slick, let’s head on over to the chop shop and see if they can’t spare a few.

RADIO SPOT 20(filled)

There’s no mistaking it. The smell of Big Boss cigarettes is a natural aphrodisiac, the kind that drives women wild. But what if you’re not a smoker? Or what if you’re in a restaurant where cigarettes aren’t allowed? Now she’s bored, yawning, and making eyes at the waiter.

There’s only way to keep her interested and keep you smelling like a man. Big Boss cologne. In every bottle you’ll find the same rich tobacco odors you’ll find in every Big Boss cigarette. Just one spray and you’ll have her on your lap, unable to control her nicotine cravings. In fact, she’ll be hopelessly addicted, to you.

Big Boss Cologne. That same great cigarette smell, in a bottle.

MOVIE TRAILER 4(filled)

Extra, extra, read all about it! Celebrity dame shot dead! Cops suspect foul play! (FILLED) Extra, extra, read all about it! Celebrity dame shot dead! Cops suspect foul play!

Yes, you’ll read the headlines in all the papers. Lana Werth, famed starlet, shot dead in her apartment. What the headlines won’t tell you is the story that happened behind the scenes, and the people who were a part of it. Like me, for instance, Joe Thompson, a promising, brilliant, handsome young writer whose genius has gone unrecognized for too long. And Marge, that beautiful dame who rebuffed the advances of said writer, probably because she’s used to making poor life choices.

(conversation)
So you’re a writer Joe? What have you published? So you’re a writer Joe? What have you published?

Well, I haven’t published anything yet. But people have said I’m promising, brilliant, and handsome. Well, I haven’t published anything yet. But people have said I’m promising, brilliant, and handsome.

Oh really? What people? Oh really? What people?

My mother for one. Now leave me be, I’ve got a novel to write! My mother for one. Now leave me be, I’ve got a novel to write!

(narration)
Seriously, what a bitch. But this story isn’t about that. Oh, it was originally, but it all changed when I got writer’s block, and decided to ask my agent for help. That agent referred me to the one and only Lana Werth – actress, writer, iconoclast. It was Lana who helped turn this romance novel into a crime story for the ages. Seriously, what a bitch. But this story isn’t about that. Oh, it was originally, but it all changed when I got writer’s block, and decided to ask my agent for help. That agent referred me to the one and only Lana Werth – actress, writer, iconoclast. It was Lana who helped turn this romance novel into a crime story for the ages.

(conversation)
I really love this story you know. It’s so honest. The only part I don’t understand is the ending.

What’s wrong with the ending?

Well, it’s clear Marge and the protagonist have no chemistry at all. So it’s a bit odd that she chooses him over the other suitor.

Liar! Marge loves me goddamnit! And I’ll kill you for saying otherwise!

(narration)

Did I just give away the ending to the movie? Maybe. I said I was a promising writer, not a good one. But you’ll have to see it to find out, won’t you. Did I just give away the ending to the movie? Maybe. I said I was a promising writer, not a good one. But you’ll have to see it to find out, won’t you.
Coming to a theater near you, The Boulevard! An OEI Motion Picture Production!

Educational PSA on Dentistry

(kiss noise)

What’s he doing? Well, it’s an old superstition. People used to believe that kissing a donkey would relieve a toothache. And if you had a more serious issue, like an infection or gingivitis, you and that donkey would be locking lips from now until the end of time. Which might be fun for the donkey, but not you and your rapidly decaying teeth.

(hee-haw)

Luckily today, we don’t lean on fallacies. Instead, we’ve learned the facts. In the past, people might have gone to the dentist only when they had a toothache, but today we know the importance of regular checkups and preventative care.

Yes, the fallacies of the past have given way to the facts of the present. And it’s a good thing too. Because the way to a healthier mouth isn’t down a donkey’s throat. It’s in your dentist’s chair.

INTERVIEW WITH LANA WERTH

She’s an Oscar, Tony, and Emmy winning actress. A co-star of hers once said, “She’s worked with some of the biggest names in Hollywood, and yet she somehow manages to outshine them all.” Her latest film is “The Boulevard” and it opens in theaters across the country starting tomorrow. With me is Lana Werth.

That was Dean Domino who said that.

Was it? There’s some debate about its provenance, whether it was Dean or another actor.

No, it was him, but if you know Dean, you’d know he said it with a touch of sarcasm, at least at first. I think he was angry I was stealing his scenes.

It was reported that you two had a rocky relationship.

Dean and I got along fine. It was the director he took umbrage with.

In what way?

Well, you have to understand that Dean’s a performer by trade, not an actor, and I don’t mean that in a demeaning way, it’s just as a performer you’re used to being in charge.

I see. So having that control wrenched away from him was difficult. He had trouble letting go, so to speak.

Exactly. You don’t call yourself the “King of Swing” and start taking orders from the Duke, regardless of whether you’re in his domain.

So you two got along just fine?

We enjoyed each other’s company. Not in the Biblical sense, of course, no matter how much the tabloids claim otherwise.

Ah, I wanted to ask you about that. Because there’s one publication that seemed to make a living out of putting you on the front page.

Oh yes, The Daily Mirror. That’s a cute name for a newspaper, don’t you think? I mean if this is a reflection of the current state of humanity, then I’m not sure I want to be a part of it.

It does tend to show our more ugly side.

Fantastical, I’d say. I’m all for Hollywood baring its collective face, without all the glamour and makeup. The problem with The Mirror is it’s as false as the industry it covers.

Was there a bit of tongue in cheek then in The Boulevard? In the trailer they show a newspaper boy claiming you were murdered.

Yes, I did find that rather amusing. The one time they get it right, it’s not even real.

Was it strange playing yourself? Or at least, a fictionalized version of yourself?

It’s strange because it was written by someone else. So you’re not playing yourself so much as playing who the public thinks you are. And it’s a bit embarrassing on some level because you realize you’re nowhere near as dignified as people make you out to be.

So I take it when you’re at home you’re wearing overalls and cursing like a sailor?

Ha-ha-ha, not quite. I’m from England. We don’t curse so much as furrow our brow.

And keep a stiff upper lip, as the saying goes.

Oh, it’s naturally that way. You might think I’m being cold and unemotional right now. I’m just being British.

Is there any concern that people will think, “That’s the real Lana Werth?”

Well no, because like I said, the public thinks that way already. It’s just a part of being a celebrity. But the fact of the matter is, few people will ever get to know the real Lana Werth. I’m not sure I know her myself.

That’s really the essence of life, isn’t it? Getting to know yourself.

Yes, and the sad part is, by the time you figure it out, it’s already too late.

Speaking of which, that’s all the time we have for tonight. I want to thank my guest the great Lana Werth, and thank everyone in the audience for listening. We’ll see you next week.

 

 

Psych horror sketch

(FILLED)

This is a warning to all those listening. Here on this radio program, we bring you stories of the paranormal and supernatural. We investigate the mysteries veiled in the darkness, knowing full well that that which is unknown cannot be unseen. So we urge you, listener, turn off your radio now. Find another channel. Because once you embark on this tale with us, there’s no turning back.

I’m not sure what prompted the discussion. My friend came over for a drink, and the subject somehow wandered over to dreams. That’s when I mentioned to him, half in jest, that I never had a dream. Every night I closed my eyes and returned the following morning.

My friend found this incredulous, of course. But more than that he felt pity, as if I was missing out on a vital part of the human existence. I laughed and told him I’ve had quite enough of that for one lifetime. But he pressed the issue, insisting that dreams were nothing like real life. So I asked him, “Then how is it when people dream, they can never tell the difference?”

He didn’t have an answer. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, “You know when you wake up.”

That night I was weary. Part of it was all the drinking, but it was a long day and it didn’t take much for me to fall into a deep sleep. And yet for some reason the next morning I felt like I hadn’t slept at all. It was unusual, but not altogether strange, so I went about my day the same way I always did, until my friend came to visit once more.

This too I found odd, because he told me yesterday he was leaving town. When I asked him why he was still here, he said he was leaving tomorrow. At first I thought I simply misheard him, but the things he said, the way he acted…it was clear he hadn’t seen me in weeks. Then the conversation from yesterday began to repeat itself. He said all the same things and told all the same stories, right up to the point where the subject turned to dreams. In fact, I found the same question coming out of my mouth, just as he finished insisting dreams were nothing like real life.

(Same question as before, but this time concerned/worried instead of dismissive)
“Then how is it when people dream,” I asked him, “they can never tell the difference?”

From then on I started to notice things. Little things, tiny little clues that revealed the truth. Things like the taste of a cold beer, the sound of a seashell, or the touch of someone you love. Oh, it was an adequate impersonation, I’ll give it that, but there was something off, something about the world that made it feel like a stranger.

It occurred to me then that maybe I was still asleep. That this was God’s way of humoring me. If that was the case, and this was truly a dream, then all I had to do was ride it out. At some point, I would wake up. But when days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, and months to years, I began to lose conviction that the old world, my world, was the waking one. Maybe that was the dream, and I had only now woken up. There was really only one way to find out.

If I’m wrong, then I imagine the coroner will rule this a suicide. But I’m making this recording now so you’ll know I didn’t make this decision lightly. I just know that if I don’t do something now, I may be stuck in this world forever, a world in which I don’t belong. And whether this is wisdom or folly, dream or death, the answer is on the other side of that noose.

My hope is that I’ll know when I wake up.

MOVIE TRAILER 7

Narrator – FILLED

Ian Gregory – Director (European Accent) FILLED

We’ve entered the sound stage at OEI Motion Pictures to visit with director Ian Gregory, who gave you “How to Murder a Poor Person” and “The Man With the Vault Jumpsuit.” Mr. Gregory is directing the acclaimed cyborg actor, Ronald Reagan, as well as Joseph Wayne and newcomer Deborah Woodward in “The Three Faces of Reagan.”

There are three characters in this story who occupy one body, a cyborg. Now I know in most movies, Ronald has played a human role and the audience has simply been asked to suspend their belief. This is why most of his previous successes have come via the holotape industry. But I think here, playing a cyborg with multiple personalities, we’re given the chance to take his acting at face value, for it’s only by stripping Ronald of his humanity that we see the person inside.

Of course, that’s just two faces. Man, and machine. The third face we don’t get to see until after he saves the planet and becomes Governor of California. I don’t want to give too much away, but let’s just say it involves a ragtag group of Iranian militants, wars in space, and his Russian sidekick, Gorby. But I want to stress the action comes secondary to what I believe is an intense, psychological drama. 

Thank you Ian. And as we depart the stage and let the actors go to work, we get one final glimpse at what makes Ronald Reagan the most successful cyborg actor in Hollywood. No, it’s not the processing unit that lets him analyze 400 different interpretations of the same line every second, although that would be a good guess. It’s his willingness to work with his more human counterparts that elevates the entire work. You’ll see what I mean when you watch it in theaters. The Three Faces of Reagan, coming to a cinema near you!

RADIO SPOT 22

Hi, I’m broadcaster Joe Miller. Every day I’m lucky enough to get to watch the greatest athletes in the world play a kid’s game for money. But they didn’t become champs by eating candy bars and reading dirty magazines. No, they practiced strict abstinence and ate three square meals a day.

Now you might be asking, Joe, where on earth can I get religious absolution and a side of fries for the same low price as a hot dog at the game? Well, for religion, you can try your local pastor. But for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I recommend Dot’s Diner.

That’s Dot’s Diner, the #1 stop for burgers, milkshakes and all American cuisine. Take it from me, Joe Miller, the voice of your favorite baseball team. You eat anywhere else, and your prospects in life will be going, going, gone!

Educational PSA on Peeping Toms

(FILLED)

What’s that over there, rustling in the bushes? It looks like an adult male, roughly between the age of twenty and forty-five. And what’s that black device in his hand? Why, it’s a camera, and it’s aimed right at your bedroom.

Now you might think this is just a bit of monkey business, that boys will be boys. But these actions go beyond mere adolescent hormones. For this is the behavior of a sworn criminal, public enemy number one. A peeper.

Keep in mind that all voyeurs throughout history, from Benjamin Franklin to Peeping Tom himself, pale in significance to the modern super peeper. Armed with his Codac 8mm sharpshooter, this photophilic fantasizer takes ownership of your most private moments, all with the push of a button. A master sneak, he can be just about anywhere – perched on your rooftop, hiding in your garden, or even the folds of your shower curtain.

The peeper will never touch you, of course. His sick, twisted mind can’t even contemplate the warmth of another human being. No, even at this distance this snapshot sniper will continue to take picture after picture, for it’s only within the confines of his dark room that the peeper can properly masturbate.

But knowing his weakness, you can beat him at his own game. If you see one of these focus fiends outside your window, do the unthinkable. Invite him inside and proposition him. Rest assured, once he’s been given permission, the act will lose its allure, and our Peeping Thomas will quickly become a doubting one. For it’s the refusal that brings out the peep in our friend here. Give him consent and he will drop his camera and turn into a sobbing mess, giving you adequate time to call the police.

PSA on BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS

Did you ever stop to think about how much leisure time you have? Some of us put this time to good use. And then there’s Michael. He doesn’t do anything constructive with his time. Instead, he chooses to lie on his bed and look at naughty pictures. Stop that Michael, God is watching you.

Well, what am I supposed to do then? I went down to the bowling alley, and I hung out at the drug store. None of the gang was there. So I just sit here and wait for supper.

Michael doesn’t realize how lucky he is. Most of his friends don’t even have time to be bored. They spend their time working, whether it’s at home or on the job. Even those who don’t have jobs find something productive to do.

Dave, for instance, spends his day at the park, identifying birds. It’s a pleasant way to pass the time, and helps him remain abstinent by making him unattractive to his fellow classmates.

Here’s Meiying, who spends her leisure time learning how to sew. That’s something she’ll be glad she did when she’s older, working in a sweatshop in her native China. And right now she gets a big kick out of it.

And lastly, here’s John, who spends his time playing the piano. He’s getting a lot of pleasure from his own accomplishment, the lasting kind you don’t get from your pinup girls.

So that’s what they’re all doing. No wonder I couldn’t find them. I guess I should figure out something to do with my time. But how do I know I’m using that time well?

It’s always good to start with something that interests you, as well as things you have a talent for.

Hey, you know what? I’m real good at drawing. What if I worked on my sketches?

That’s a start.

And what if I drew them naked? Then I wouldn’t need to spend money on those magazines.

That’s not what I meant Michael.

Yeah! Thanks mister! You’ve been a real help. I’ll get my pencil and start right away! And maybe someday, I might even make a business out of it!

(optional) Thanks miss!

Well, what about it? Will his hobby give Michael a chance to change? Can he learn while doing it, and perhaps prepare himself for better living? And what goals do you have for your leisure time? Will you let time slip away from you, or will you use it well?

POLITICAL AD 1 (Washington Filled, so red lines only)

And now for another edition of Washington takes on Washington, starring Samuel A. Washington, second coming of George! He’s the Presidential Candidate from Main Street here to take on the fat cats on Wall Street! Vote Washington and he’ll cut taxes like an old Virginia cherry tree. Timber!

That’s right. I never liked taxes. Even when I was a small boy in rural Virginia, dreaming of ways to make America great again, I hated the word. You might say I was allergic to the very idea of them. And yes, I recognize that in a country like France, where taxes were invented, the politicians bow to the almighty taxman like some kind of pagan god, just like they bowed to the Nazis.

But here in the States, we know them to be a poison, sucking the life out of hard-working Americans like you and me. Luckily, it wasn’t long before I found the antidote. In fact, I guess you can say it was staring me right in the face. I’m talking, of course, of my candidacy for President of the United States.

Now my opponent, Mr. Kennedy, insists that his plan to cut taxes is far bolder than mine. In his stump speech he says he’ll not only eliminate the payroll tax, the capital gains tax, and the sales tax, he also promises to reduce the income tax by 75%. Well, that’s a start. But let me ask you this. What would the world be like today if we only gave 75%? What if baseballers only ran 75% of the bases? What if your carpenter only built 75% of your roof? What if our boys in the military killed only 75% of the enemy when they stormed the beach at Normandy? Why, the world would look a lot different today, I promise you that.

So if you want to live in a country where half the men are cowards and the other half speak German, then yes, vote for my opponent, Mr. Kennedy. But if you’re a proud, god-fearing American, then vote for me, Samuel A. Washington. I promise to cut 100% of your taxes from the day I step into office. As god and this cherry tree are my witness, I will do whatever it takes. I will give my full effort. And I will never sell this country short.

POLITICAL AD 2 (Kennedy)

Jingle

Yes indeed, my fellow Americans. It is up to you. Of course, the choice seems rather simple when you compare the two options before you.

On the one hand, you can leave our country in the hands of an old man who thinks Elvis is the name of an Irish saint, and would struggle to spell the word “cat” if you didn’t spot him the C and the T. Or, on the other hand, you can elect the man who directed, cast, and produced the jingle you heard at the start of this campaign spot. A jingle whose production required leadership, ingenuity, and a keen eye for talent.

Of course, if the jingle didn’t sell you on why I, Thomas Kennedy, should be your next President, then perhaps what I’m about to say will. Unlike my opponent, Mr. Washington, I wasn’t born in the previous century, or with a silver spoon in my mouth. In fact, as heir to an ice cream conglomerate, I prefer to use the small wooden spoons found in every cup of our signature Rocky Road.

And as a business owner, I understand the issues that face mom and pop stores like the one in your town. That’s why if you vote for me my first act as President will be to lower the payroll tax, as well as provide free ice cream coupons for every household in America.

But ultimately, I can only present the options. The choice is yours. Washington, or Kennedy. Past or present. China, or America. Sink, or swim. It’s really up to you.

PSA ON POT

A reminder to all teenagers everywhere. KEEP OFF THE GRASS.

No, we’re not talking about your neighbor’s lawn, although it’s a good idea to stay off that as well. Your neighbor worked very hard to keep his property free and clear of children, and he shouldn’t have to remind you to stay off it.

But no, the grass we’re talking about is far more lethal than Mr. Gunderson’s empty threats to call the police. The grass known as cannabis, or “reefer” in some circles, is a poison more dangerous than all the world’s drugs combined.

This is because reefer is a gateway drug, and behind that gate are more harmful substances like heroin, cocaine, and angel dust. By surviving your experience with grass, you’ll feel emboldened to try substances you wouldn’t have considered otherwise, descending further and further until your checklist of drug-induced madness is complete.

And what about grass itself? You might think that on its own, the effects are rather harmless. But studies show that even a single inhale can induce fits of laughter for no reason at all. Tommy here is on his fifth cigarette, and the list of things he now finds hilarious are astonishing. Tommy’s latest joke involves running through a stop sign and driving his car into a playground full of school children. These are actions he would normally find abhorrent, but high on grass, there is nothing in the world he finds funnier than listening to their screams.

As you can see, it’s a slippery slope from trying grass at a party to serving life in prison for manslaughter. At the time, you couldn’t have known just how dangerous it was, but the fact is, reefer isn’t just a threat to your life. It’s a threat to everyone around you.

ANIMATED CHARACTERS sketch 1

Hey Tortoise, how about you and me race again? I swear this time I’m gonna beat you.

(tortoise, talks slow)
Oh you very well could, Mr. Hare. The problem is you keep taking a nap halfway through the race.

Is that why I keep losing?

Oh yes. They say slow and steady wins the race, but the truth is, it’s much better to be fast and awake.

All right. Let’s say for a second I believe you. How am I supposed to stay awake when you keep boring me?

Well, have you tried not bringing your pillow along when you race?

The thought hadn’t crossed my mind.

Well, it might help. And you should lose the sleeping bag too, while you’re at it. Also, is that a holotape?

Why yes. It’s a ten hour documentary on the mating habits of humans. I planned on listening to it after I built up a big enough lead.

See, Mr. Hare. I’ve seen humans mate, and that’ll put you to sleep for sure.

Hm…you do make some good points. But I gotta ask, why are you helping me? What’s your angle?

Oh, just trying to keep things fair and square is all.

You’re sick of me asking you to race, aren’t you?

Eyup.

dun-dun-dun-duuuun cheesy cartoon music outro

DIVORCE PSA

Every year in America there are over half a million divorces. That means a million men and women who pledged their undying love to one another have made a confession. They admit that those vows, so innocent and carefree when spoken, have crumbled under the weight of an unbending reality.

But when did those marriages actually fail? Was it in the courtroom, when the wife signed the documents? Was it two minutes before that, when the husband compared her mother in law to a man-eating walrus? Or was it much, much earlier, before they even got married? You see, many unions between a man and a woman were never on solid ground to begin with.

Let’s look back at when this couple first decided to get married. Young and naive, Jim and Dolly believe that love is all that’s needed to create a stable marriage. They have no concern over their finances, despite the fact that Jim is unemployed and Dolly has a crippling heroin addiction.

However, even with their poor financial choices, the two decide to make do by staying at Dolly’s parents’ house, at least until Jim can find stable work. This is the first time Jim and Dolly have been living together under the same roof, and when the honeymoon phase ends, they quickly discover they have very little in common. Dolly, for instance, had no idea that Jim was a member of the local white supremacist group. Nor did Jim realize when he cut the eye holes in her pillow case, that Dolly had Trypophobia – a pathological fear of holes.

It’s soon apparent that Jim and Dolly’s love was based purely on physical attraction, and not the kind of deep affection that leads to a lasting partnership. Unfortunately that realization came far too late, and they will now have to carry the stigma of divorce with them for the rest of their lives.

This is why it’s important not to rush into marriage before you’re ready. Make sure you know your potential spouse and the seriousness of your commitment. By taking the time to examine what makes a healthy marriage, you can prevent your relationship from becoming like Jim and Dolly’s, just another statistic adding to the decline of a once venerable institution.

 

SEX ED PSA

Coach – OPEN

Boy – FILLED

And now, an important public service announcement:

Timmy! Where’s your brother? He was supposed to be at practice an hour ago!

Golly coach. If I had to take a guess, he’s probably behind the bleachers making whoopee with Molly Gunderson.

(Sigh) I suppose it can’t be helped. Boys will be boys.

I’m a boy, does that mean I can make whoopee too?

Not for another couple of years I’m afraid.

But how will I know when it’s my time to go behind the bleachers?

Oh you’ll know, believe me. You’ll start to notice…well…changes to your body, so to speak.

Are you talking about my wiener, coach?

As a matter of fact Timmy, I am. See, when you reach adolescence, certain parts of you will grow and mature, that included.

But what if it doesn’t? 

Well, you can always do like I did and buy yourself a nice big pickup truck to compensate.

I’m just a paperboy, coach, I don’t think I can afford a truck.

I wouldn’t worry about that just yet Timmy. But if you’re really curious, look at what your father drives, and plan accordingly.

Wow coach, you’re really smart. I bet you spend every night behind the bleachers!

Only because I’m homeless Timmy. Now you run along and play. And when you see your brother, remind him that baseball is more than just a euphemism.

I will coach! Thanks!

MOVIE TRAILER 8

(Vincent Price “The Fly” trailer parody)

Bzzzzzz noise

If you’re listening to this transmission, we recommend you sit down. If you’re sitting down, we recommend you hold on to the arm rests. If your chair doesn’t have arm rests, then well, you’re out of luck. For it’s already here.

Bzzzzzz noise, woman screams

What unearthly horror was that woman screaming at? What manner of beast is that going through her closet? It would be unfair to simply tell you what happened in that laboratory, where a man dared to play god. At least, not until you’ve paid the price of admission. Only then will you see what words can’t possibly describe. When The Cazador hunts its prey.

Bzzzzzz noise

RADIO SPOT 14(male)

And now, an important public service announcement from your friends at Computech Industries:

Ha-ha-ha, disaster averted. But remember, carpal tunnel syndrome is no laughing matter. And while our Computech Entertainment System may seem like a terminal designed for all sexes, the plug-in joysticks can cause serious distress for women both under and above the age of twenty, preventing you from doing the vital tasks around the house that lead to a healthy and happy marriage.

Computech – computers, terminals and gaming devices for MEN.

 

RADIO SPOT 17

Did you know there was once an evil gremlin who hated the sound of potato crisps? Oh yes, he went to all the local supermarkets taking boxes off the shelves, and just as you’d expect from a naughty little gremlin, he proceeded to relieve himself inside.

From that day forward, potato crisps were known to be wet, soggy snacks, with a strange vinegar odor synonymous with gremlin urine.

But then one day a hero arrived from a magical place called Spring Valley. He brought crisps sealed in an airtight box, so every piece was as fresh and tasty as nature intended. (snap noise) Wow, now that’s what I call crisp!

So when you go to the market, don’t settle for those soggy, urine-soaked crisps our competitors put out. Buy Spring Valley Potato Crisps, and you’ll hear music in every bite!

HORROR SKETCH 3

(FILLED) You don’t walk into the darkness. You fall. You plummet further and further into the void, until there’s nothing left save the time between the fall and the ground. It’s in that ever shrinking distance that fear resides, ageless and all-knowing. And as you find yourself consumed by this dread, you never realize that it isn’t the fall or the ground that kills you. It’s the fear. So we advise you, change the station. Because once you tune in to the darkness, it doesn’t matter whether you’re really falling or not. There is no climbing out.

Thanks for putting me up. I’m gonna need to lay low for a little while.

(FILLED)It’s no problem. But I gotta ask Charlie, how long do you plan on staying on here?

For Chrissake Tony, I shot a cop! This isn’t going away any time soon.

But what if they come looking for you?

Why? Are you thinking about selling me out?

No, of course not. I’m no rat.

Then shut the hell up and start acting like it.

(creaking noise)

What was that?

I didn’t hear anything.

It sounded like a door opening. Who’s up there?

There’s no one up there. The house is just old.

You lying to me?

What?

Look me in the eye and tell me you aren’t lying!

I’m not lying, Jesus Charlie!

Fine. What do you got to eat around here?

There’s some food in the kitchen.

(goes through fridge, grabs a beer)

You always did have bad taste in beer.

That’s all I can afford right now. Things have been tough ever since I got laid off.

Well, you could always turn me in for a reward.

That’s not funny.

(pops open bottle, drinks)

I didn’t have a choice you know. It was him or me.

I get it.

Do you?

Yeah.

(pause)

I can’t imagine what that’s like, to take someone’s life. It’s scary if you think about it.

Wasn’t scary at all. In a situation like that, your instincts take over. Next thing you know, he’s dead, and you aren’t.

That’s what I mean. It’s scary how easy it is. We’re supposed to be a civilized species, above that sort thing.

Above what? Murder?

Instinct.

(footsteps upstairs)

Okay, now I know you’re hiding something.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

The footsteps Tony! You don’t think I hear them?

What footsteps?

Oh don’t play dumb with me. You thought you could stall me while your friend calls the cops!

What? I told you, I got laid off! The phone company cut off service last week!

You lying son of a bitch, you expect me to believe that?

Put down the gun Charlie, please!

(gunshot)

Psh. Phone company. What a load of bull.

(Picks up phone)

Huh. He wasn’t lying.

 

STORY 3

They say the carpenter lives a long life. Whether you spend your days at the church or the saloon, you’ll find traces of his legacy in every brick, board, and nail. The gunsmith is no different. You’ll find his signature in the holsters of sheriffs and bandits alike, his name written in the trails of gunsmoke. But neither the carpenter nor the gunsmith lived as long as one Samantha Bell. That’s because she put her soul into a song.

No one knew for sure when she met the man from the Far East. The lyrics say he walked right out of the Pacific, and maybe that’s true. They came from lands unknown, to work a railroad that would someday cross the continental United States. So when Samantha’s father sent her back to Boston, putting a good a 3000 miles between her and her love, the man saw it as a test. He was going to take the train east one day, even if it meant laying down the track himself.

Samantha believed it to. And on the day she left and every day after, she’d turn toward the sunset and sing him in a song. She let its melody travel on the wind, from town to town, ear to ear, hoping one day it’d reach his. But happy endings were the stuff of fairy tales and pixie dust. The song never found him, and the man never made it east.

Still, so strong was their love that the echoes remain. And late at night, if you listen for it, you can hear Samantha humming by the shore, in hopes that one day she’ll wander into his arms again.

PSA on COMMIE OR CITIZEN 2

America. For many, it’s more than just a country. It’s a heritage of freedom, one whose existence is currently in peril. That’s because we live in a time where the threat of Socialism is greater than at any point in history, spreading a pall over our world, our country, and your dinner table.

Why is it important to protect the American way of life? Well, for starters, the quality of living in democratic countries is twice the level of that in Europe, where socialism is rampant. Moreover, we have better food, better cars, and are miles ahead in the field of adult entertainment. That’s because in Europe, the mile has been abandoned as a unit of measurement, in favor of the more socialist friendly metric system.

We know this economic abundance is possible due to incentive. We know that with hard work, a good education, and a large trust fund, our children will have the opportunity to achieve all their hopes and dreams. This inspires them to put in more effort in their work, regardless of whether those goals are actually attainable. On the other hand, in socialist countries, citizens have no aspirations or motivation to excel, lazily going about their day as they wait for their next welfare check to arrive.

You can identify a Communist usually by his slouching back or potato chip breath. There may be stains on his jeans, as well as a strong eagerness to check the mail – either for his entitlement check, or coded messages from his superiors in Beijing. This parasitic, godless creature may seem like an ordinary citizen. But rest assured, if you think someone you know is a Communist, notify your local authorities immediately. A failure to act could be the difference between protecting America, and damning it.

Dick Petty and the Dragstrip Dolly(FILLED)

Coming to a theater near you, Dick Petty and the Dragstrip Dolly! He’s the man behind the wheel, with grease in his hair and lead in his foot! She’s his arch rival, with a chassis that’ll make your motor roar!  Va-Va-Vrooooom!

You hear the news? Some girl from uptown’s sending out a challenge to all the greasers on the westside.

That’s a laugh. There ain’t a car in the world faster than Roddy. It’s greased lightning on a two-lane blacktop.

And she knows it. That’s why she doesn’t wanna race me. She wants to do a chicken run. 

But you ain’t chicken boss. A turkey maybe, but chicken? Not a chance!

That’s right. I don’t know the meaning of fear. A teacher tried to tell me once, so I dropped out of the second grade and became a drag racer instead.

That’s a great story boss. Still, you think you might wanna wear a helmet this time?

Helmets are for cowards. Just like seat belts and working brakes. Now let’s go. The boys are waiting.

car sound effects of the race, then dramatic, sad music.

What happened there boss? You lose your nerve?

(panting, sweating) No. It wasn’t that.

Then what happened?

I was driving on ahead, pedal to the metal. But then I made the mistake of looking up, and that’s when our eyes met. She was the bee’s knees. A real dragstrip dolly. I knew right then I couldn’t let anything happen to her. So I swerved out of the way.

Really Dick? You know what they’re saying out there, right? They’re saying you’re chicken!

I’m not chicken, damnit! I’m in love!

It’s a story of thrills, chills, and head on collisions! Coming this summer, it’s Dick Petty and the Dragstrip Dolly!

RADIO SPOT 27

School’s out for the day, and some of the boys want to go to the vacant lot to play catch. Not today fellas, Gary tells them, I’ve gotta be home before dark. Gary’s got a lot on his mind, you see. Not only is his book report due next week, but the Communists might invade America, and he doesn’t know an ounce of Chinese.

Don’t worry Gary, you won’t have to translate that report into Mandarin any time soon. That’s because nuclear fallout will annihilate your school long before you ever set foot in it. Not to worry, while your school will be turned to dust, as well as your classmates, you and your family will be safe and secure in your government issued Vault, from Vault-Tec!

Every vault resident is pre-screened and selected to ensure maximum compatibility. Inside you’ll find people who share your ideals, values, and sometimes even your looks! That’s not another you Gary, but it very well could be! Meanwhile, those boys out in the vacant lot? The only balls they’ll be catching are the ones falling out of their eye sockets.

Don’t let your children end up like those boys. Make sure they’re like Gary, and contact your local Vault-Tec representative today!

RADIO SPOT 32

It’s every girl’s fantasy to have a pony of their own. They want one big enough to ride to school, with a mane they can brush, a smile they can love, and hind legs that can accelerate from zero to sixty in 2.5 seconds.

Well, that fantasy has become a reality with the Giddyup Buttercup by Wilson. This life-size mechanical pony is the ultimate in equestrian robotics, featuring the same high end hydraulics used in professional rodeo bulls. Your child will love brushing its authentic mane, genetically engineered for maximum softness. And starting next week, the Giddyup Buttercup can be yours for the low low price of 15,999 dollars. But supplies are limited, so reserve one today and turn your girl’s dreams into a dream come true.

 

TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE

Coming to a theater near you, it’s Teenagers from Outer Space! It’s a horror movie a thousand times more terrifying than anything you’ve ever seen! High on hormones, deliriously full of drugs, these teens are on a ray-gun rampage you won’t believe!

Just who do you think you are, anyway?

I’m a teenager! From space!

pew-pew-zap!

Watch as legions of irresponsible young adults terrorize this small town with one hormone-induced gambit after another!

What is it, Danny? What’s got you so terrified?

Marge, statistics say there’s nothing more dangerous than a teenager behind the wheel. Now imagine that teenager behind the wheel of a flying saucer!

Oh my god! We have to do something!

We can’t do anything. Don’t you see? The insurance policies won’t cover it!

Will Danny and Marge survive the invasion? Will they keep their teenage daughter from falling in love with her reckless alien captors? Find out, in this one of a kind motion picture event! Teenagers from Outer Space!

ANIMATED CHARACTERS sketch 2(FILLED)

Hey dog! Yeah you, you stupid mutt! Come quick, you gotta see this!

shows TV, where commercial is playing

Looks good, doesn’t it?

It sure does, Whiskers. But how come it doesn’t smell?

That’s because it’s sealed in this magic box, dummy. It keeps the flavor inside.

I see. So how do we open it?

Well it’s a magic box, so you gotta open it by saying the magic words, then smashing it with a magic anvil.

But I’m a dog. I don’t have an anvil.

Yeah, but you got that thick skull of yours. You ram it through that screen, and we’ll be eating chicken dinner in no time.

I don’t know if I should listen to you Whiskers. You’re the one who told me there were bones inside the Master.

And I was right, wasn’t I? Now you have more bones than you know what to do with.

True. There were a lot of bones inside him…

And there’s plenty of chicken inside this magic box. Trust me. Just break this glass here.

All right, here goes.

smash, electrocution noises.

Hm…that’s weird. I smell something cooking, but it sure doesn’t smell like chicken.

Dog whimper

cartoon music outro

Educational PSA on Firearms(Filled)

So Linda, how’s school?

Well, I’m trying to figure out what courses to take next term. I’m thinking about taking home economics.

Home economics? Let Mister Handy take care of that stuff.

But Mister Handy doesn’t give you course credit. It’s senior year and I just need something to fill the time. So I wanted something easy.

Linda, that isn’t right. How would Mrs. Anderson feel if you told her her class was a joke, just like her life?

I never said it was a joke. I like Mrs. Anderson.

You have a strange way of showing it. You take that class and you’re wasting her time and yours.

So what class should I take? None of them really interest me.

Not everything has to be interesting. School is about learning the skills you need to succeed in life. Now let me take a look.  Hmmm…now see, there’s a class you should be taking.

Oh, that’s the new firearm class, sponsored by the good folks at Beretta. Why would I want to take that?

You’re gonna have to learn it sometime, Linda. They say the communists could invade any day now. And you’re not gonna be able to fight them off with a blueberry pie now, are you?

I suppose not.  And that 9mm pistol looks real swell.

It sure does. In fact, why don’t I help you get a leg up on your studies? We can practice on that immigrant who moved in next door.

Um…is that legal?

Of course! They call them illegal immigrants for a reason, Linda. It means as an Amercian citizen, you have the constitutional right to shoot them. Now come on, let’s go find you a gun.

FALLOUT PSA(filled)

You may not be aware of this, but one of the primary causes of death from an atomic blast is not the explosion itself, but the fallout that comes after. Radiation invisible to the naked eye can contaminate your body leading to sickness, vomiting, and in rare cases, melting of the flesh.

That’s why in many cities, civil defense contractors have begun building fallout shelters, stocked with food, water, and sanitation equipment. With assistance from Vault-Tec, these shelters are designed to provide all the amenities you’ll find above ground. However, there will be times when emergency situations require you to leave the shelter and step out into the irradiated wasteland.

When traveling through a fallout area, it’s important to remember the following rules:

First, protect your body with boots, heavy clothing, and a mask to guard your lungs from airborne dust.

Second, always carry a picture of the American flag or a copy of the Constitution on your person. This will help identify you as a friend to military forces that may be dealing with the Communist invasion.

Third, bring a device that can help detect levels of radiation, like a standard issue Pip-Boy or a Wattz brand Geiger Counter. If areas are heavy in radioactive particles, inject yourself with a dose of Rad-X before proceeding.

Finally, when returning to a shelter, be sure to dust yourself off thoroughly before re-entry. While this will do little to stop you from vectoring whatever diseases you brought from outside, it shows proper etiquette, and will increase your chances of survival when the other dwellers decide whether to quarantine you or shoot you dead.

Radioactive fallout is a scenario no one wants to live through. But should the unthinkable happen, you can survive, provided you utilize the knowledge and methods offered in this recording.

LA FANTOMA

Narrator – Filled

Judge – Filled

La Fantoma – Filled

The Dark Rodent – FILLED

Falcon Boy – Boy or Teen Male

(FILLED)Hubris Comics presents, the one, the only, La Fantoma! By day she’s a court stenographer, earning a modest living. But by night, she’s the master of disguise and mimicry known as…The Phantom!

(FILLED)Did you hear Felicia? Someone robbed millionaire Rex Ruthless, disguised as his favorite prostitute! Do you think it might be…The Phantom?

(FILLED)I wouldn’t know, your honor. I’m just a lowly stenographer. By the way, I’ve brought you a gift for your birthday. A gold watch.

Why thank you. Although I think your engraver got it wrong. The initials say “R.R.”

Of course. It stands for “Righteous Richter.” Richter means “Judge” in German.

I didn’t know that. Are your ancestors German?

Sure, whatever. Now what did the papers mention about this “Phantom?”

Well, they say she’s a master thief, and a skilled impersonator. Some say last night’s job was just a warm up. They say the real target are the crown jewels, which arrived from London last week.

The crown jewels do sound lovely. Thank you, Richter, I’ll see you tomorrow.

Scene 2

Hmph, that was almost too easy. You’d think the crown jewels would be better guarded.

Oh, but they are, my purple purloiner.

I should’ve known you’d show up. The Dark Rodent, in the flesh. Or in the fur, I suppose. Although I guess I was right the first time, you’re not actually a rodent, you just smell like one.

And don’t forget me, his ward, Falcon Boy!

Oh right. You. You know, falcons technically eat rodents so I don’t think that’s a good name for you.

It’s a thousand times better than La Fantoma! Those aren’t even words!

Actually, it’s Spanish, for the Phantom. Anyways, I’m not arguing with you, you’re clearly an idiot. As for you, Dark Rodent, it seems you left your good sense in your other utility belt.

And what makes you say that, my villainous vixen?

Because you’re a vigilante, you don’t have the authority to arrest me. And if you serve as witness to my trial, I’ll have your testimony thrown out on account of being a loony dressed in a batsuit.

She seems to know a lot about the legal system, Bruce, do you think she has a job there?

Damnit Falcon Boy, how many times do I have to tell you not to use my real name!

I’m sorry Bruce, I mean, the Dark Rodent.

It’s all right. Just don’t do it again. Now where was I…

Actually, she escaped while you were yelling at me. And now the cops are on their way. Should we let the Commissioner know what happened?

No. It’s like she said. We’re technically criminals too. In fact, we better get out of here. To the batvertible!

UFOs

Sheriff – Male(FILLED)

Deputy – Male

Diner Owner – Female(FILLED)

Bus Driver – Male(FILLED)

Bus Passenger – Male(FILLED)

Sheriff and Deputy, in car

What did dispatch say?

You won’t believe it, but someone spotted something flying over Dot’s Diner. 

In this weather? Gotta be a prank. 

Well, we better check it out all the same.

Enter diner

Evening, troopers. How can I help you?

Just got a few questions if you don’t mind. Has anyone suspicious come into the diner in the past hour?

No. Just the folks you see here. They all got off the bus from Topeka.

Is that so? You, in the hat! Are you the bus driver?

That’s right.

And how many passengers were on the bus when you stopped here?

Six.

You sure about that, chief?

Oh yeah. I do a head count whenever we stop, just to make sure we don’t leave anyone behind. And six people got off the bus.

Then how come there’s seven people in this diner?

Seven? But that can’t be! The road’s been blocked off for hours!

Hey now, calm down, I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for it. Perhaps if you told us what this was all about, officer, it might clear things up.

If you must know, we were called here because someone saw something flying overhead. An Unidentified Flying Object. A U-F-O. Which means one of you is an alien. 

Now you’re pulling my leg.

I’m afraid not ma’am.

(looks at officer’s face)
Oh my god…you’re serious! I’m sorry but there’s gotta be another reason.

I doubt it. It’s like the bus driver said. There were only six passengers. And there’s seven people here. Or should I say, 6 people…and 1 Martian.

That’s outrageous!

Is it? Or is that what the Martians want you to think?

So what are we gonna do Sheriff? We can’t just lock ’em all up.

Well, as far as I know there’s only way to tell if someone’s human or not. We’ll ask them questions. Things only a human being would know. Like football.

You, in the suit! Who plays middle linebacker for the Bears?

I don’t know. I’m more of a tennis fan.

Tear off his flesh deputy. I think you’ll find his real face under it.

Wait, what? Why?

No self-respecting man would ever admit to liking tennis.

No, please! You’re making a mistake! AGH! AGH! AAAAAAAGH!

outside

Did you put the body in the truck? The boys in D.C. are gonna wanna dissect that thing.

I did, but something’s been bugging me about the way this went down.

Speak your mind Deputy.

Well, I was thinking, when you counted seven people in the diner, did you count the bus driver?

Of course.

But if there’s six passengers, and one driver, doesn’t that make seven? Maybe there wasn’t a Martian in there after all.

I think you forgot to carry the one. Either way, I wouldn’t worry about it. Intergalactic affairs are out of our jurisdiction.

But Sheriff…

No buts about it Deputy. It’s the Pentagon’s problem now. Now come on, it’s been a long night. Let me treat you to some breakfast.

COWBOYS

Red – Male(filled)

Corbin – Male(FILLED)

Velma – Female(FILLED)

Velma’s Husband – Male(filled)

Red, a cowboy, enters an old 1850s diner, run by Velma

Hey there Red! What brings you out here this morning?

That’s none of your business, Velma.

Jesus Lord Almighty, what’s gotten into you? I ain’t never heard you be rude to anyone, least of all me.

Sorry. I’m just a little jumpy.

Jumpy? You’re acting plum crazy. Now are you gonna tell me what this is all about?

door bursts open

There you are! I should’ve figured you’d turn yella!

The only coward here is you, Corbin! I would’ve killed you yesterday, if not for my doctor’s appointment!

You’re making that up. 

Not a chance. Look at my calendar, I’ve had it scheduled for weeks. But it doesn’t matter. I’m here now, and I ain’t going anywhere.

Now hold on you two! What’s going on?

Red and I have a score to settle. He’s telling everyone around town he’s the faster draw, when he knows damn well he’s slower than a one-legged horse!

Not everyone can be as fast as your mother Corbin, but that’s got nothing to do with gunplay.

You no good son of a bitch!

That’s enough! Corbin, I know your mother, and I’ll tell you right now she’s no saint. And Red, the doctor’s been out of town for about a week now! No one believes you made an appointment! 

It doesn’t matter. He knows my secret. I’m a coward. And since he’s the only one who knows, he has to die.

But don’t you see? You’re both cowards! Corbin ain’t gonna tell a soul so long as you don’t. It’s what they call mutually assured destruction.

She’s right. I can’t tell people you’re a yellow-bellied lily-liver without you saying the same about me.

And I can’t tell people you’re a thumbsucking bushwacker without you spilling the beans either.

See? Ain’t no reason to fight. Now let’s see about fixing you two some breakfast. 

Velma starts humming while cooking

Hm-hm-hm…

What about her? She knows too.

You’re right. We’ll have to get rid of her.

But how? We’re both cowards. Neither of us are gonna shoot a woman in the back.

Isn’t that what cowards do? Shoot people in the back?

You’re right! We should try it. On three. One, two…

gunshots

Hey Velma, how’s it going?

Oh you know, same ol’ same old.

Say, was that Red and Corbin I saw on their way out?

Yup. Don’t worry, they’ll be fine. Might be limping around for a while but they’ll live. 

What happened?

I don’t know. I turned my back to use the stove, and I hear gunshots go off.

Oh dear. But I thought them two were cowards.

Maybe not. Luckily, they’re still pretty bad shots. Both of ’em didn’t even take their guns out of their holsters. Ended up shooting their own toes off. Of course if you ask them, they’ll say they shot the other guy in the foot. On purpose.

Well, whatever helps get them through the day. Say, do you got any pie?

Coming right up.