Player walks into electronics store, hears singing

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout

Down came grenades to wipe the raiders out

Boom went the dynamite to open up the safe

And the itsy bitsy spider got all the loot again

greet

Hand me the dynamite, will ya? I need to blow this safe to smithereens.

Is that safe?
Hmm…probably not. Probably really, really dangerous. As in, not recommended for children under twelve.
How old are you? Ten, eleven and a half maybe? Fuck, I guess we’re gonna have to do this the hard way.

No need. I can unlock that for you.
Well, I kinda broke the lock. Might’ve been the bobby pin, might’ve been the bubblegum. Anyways, it’s stuck.
Luckily, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Although I’m not sure why you’re torturing pets to begin with, but not relevant!
What I’m trying to say is, I got an idea.

Sure. Just tell me where you put it.
Oh right. I forgot, I put it in some raider’s pocket. Like, he was happy to see me and then KABLOOEY, you know? Really, that guy made for great fireworks.
But I guess we gotta do something different this time. Hold on, I’m getting an idea.

She shoots the computer.

Yes! Consider this terminal hacked. The old bullet to the screen virus never fails.

What are you doing in Seward Square?
Good question! What am I doing. Well, I was opening the safe. But now it’s open. So I guess my future plans are to see what’s inside!
After that, maybe get married, have kids.

Do you have a lot of experience with explosives?
Well, I’ve got ten fingers and ten toes, so I must be doing something right.
Although sometimes when I see someone get blown up, the fingers stay on.
Weird. I guess I just got lucky with my guy. I’ve got all twenty of his piggies in a box at home.

Are you here prospecting or looking for something specific?
Holotapes. I love, love, loooove holotapes. I find them and play them and throw them away, and then I find them again!
Although really, anything Pre-War is great. Radios, milkshakes, sideburns! I love things that burn.

You could come with me. I have plenty of holotapes you can listen to.
Wow. That’s some offer. (suspicious) Wait a minute…what’s the catch?

The catch is you may get into a skirmish or two.
Well, as long as you don’t use EMPs or really sharp scissors. Wouldn’t wanna damage the holotapes.

No catch. My holotapes are your holotapes.
I’m not clear on how property owning works, but I’m pretty sure we’d have to get married first for that sentence to make sense.
Although we could start a business. Are any of your friends lawyers?

I don’t know, I might sell you to slavers when this is all over.
Oh, it’s never over. There’s sequels to prequels and remakes of trilogies and next thing you know, slavery’s been retconned!
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re much better off selling me short. I hear a lot of people do that.
Not sure what it means though. I’m telling you, I’m average height at worst.

I need your help. Let’s go.
Woohoo! Let’s blow stuff up!
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yeeeeees!!!
Hells. Yeah.
Welcome to the bomb show.

Goodbye
(doing a military man impersonation) Onward, soldier! Forward march!
All right, let’s go!
Bombs away!
We’re licking tears and splitting ears.

It’s time for us to part ways.
All right! I’ll be back where you found me. At the beginning.

I’ll be back at the hideout then. The secret base. Which may or may not be the electronics store.

Let’s discuss combat tactics.
Yes, let’s.

Keep your distance.
Like a restraining order.

Stay close.
I’ll try. It’d help if I had some measuring tape though.

Use melee combat.
You mean like, use the dynamite like a club? Okay, you’re the boss.

Use ranged combat.
It’ll be raining grenades, and possibly men.

Wait here.
Okay. If you forget where you left me, just listen for the boom.

Let’s go.
Right behind you.

That’s enough about tactics.
Okay, back to regular talk.

Let’s trade.
My two favorite words in the English language. Or is it three? Let’s trade. Let us trade. Fuck, I’m confused.

Sure, dig in.

Share and share alike.

Okay, let’s see what we got.

Cool, you can have everything in my inventory, no money down!

Yeah, gimme that! I want it I want it I want it I want it!

Got any bloatflies?

The Vault Trader from 101. Trading supplies. Making caps. Swinging deals. That’s you.

Goodbye
See ya.
Bye.
Adios.
Let’s pop some pinatas.

Why do you like holotapes?
Well, it’s like reading, except it’s like, “Look Ma, no hands!” And no eyes! And no brain!
Brains are overrated. Unless you’re a zombie. Then they’re delicious!

What kind of holotapes do you listen to?
Diaries, soap operas, self-help books…it’d probably be easier to ask me what I don’t listen to.
And that would be nothing. There is nothing I don’t listen to.

You think brains are overrated?
Oh yeah. The brain is like the skull’s appendix.
You know what an appendix is right? It’s like extra information in the back of a book. Completely useless!

What was the first recording you ever listened to?
It was a manual on how to make a homemade explosive.
The only problem was the “home” part. Like, it didn’t tell you what kind of home you had to use.
Was an apartment good enough? A townhouse? A timeshare? It didn’t say.
But funny story, it still worked. I guess “Parking lot bomb” wasn’t a jazzy enough title.

Is there a holotape series you’re following at the moment?
There is. It’s a horror serial called “It came from the Vault.”
I actually found the first episode in that safe we unlocked. And let me tell you, it’s fantastic!
Here, have a listen. It’s totally gonna win the award for best picture in a non-picture audio format.

That’s enough about holotapes.
Oh, it’s never enough.

 

Where did you get the name Spider?
Not sure. Maybe I’m good at climbing, maybe I’m good at rigging traps.
Or maybe I just like eating bloatflies. We should totally catch some.

Why do you like holotapes?
Well, it’s like reading, except it’s like, “Look Ma, no hands!” And no eyes! And no brain!
Brains are overrated. Unless you’re a zombie. Then they’re delicious!

What kind of holotapes do you listen to?
Diaries, soap operas, self-help books…it’d probably be easier to ask me what I don’t listen to.
And that would be nothing. There is nothing I don’t listen to.

You think brains are overrated?
Oh yeah. The brain is like the skull’s appendix.
You know what an appendix is right? It’s like extra information in the back of a book. Completely useless!

What was the first recording you ever listened to?
It was a manual on how to make a homemade explosive.
The only problem was the “home” part. Like, it didn’t tell you what kind of home you had to use.
Was an apartment good enough? A townhouse? A timeshare? It didn’t say.
But funny story, it still worked. I guess “Parking lot bomb” wasn’t a jazzy enough title.

Is there a holotape series you’re following at the moment?
There is. It’s a horror serial called “It came from the Vault.”
I actually found the first episode in that safe we unlocked. And let me tell you, it’s fantastic!
Here, have a listen. It’s totally gonna win the award for best picture in a non-picture audio format.

That’s enough about holotapes.
Oh, it’s never enough.

Any thoughts on where to find the rest of the holotape series?
Well, I think the story takes place in Andale, Virginia. So it’s either there, or somewhere completely different!
But that’s only two places total! So I say we try one, then the other.

Okay, I listened to the first holotape. 
It’s a real cliffhanger, isn’t it?
Vault people with gills! Human people with racism! I can’t wait for the fireworks to start. The fighting too!

It’s so bad it’s actually kind of good.
Just like a ferris wheel! It goes round and round until you throw up and feel better!
Why? Because that’s where the poison was! In the throw up!

This is terrible. I can’t believe you listen to this shit.
I don’t just listen to it. I hear it. Sometimes in my sleep. But mostly when I press the play button.

So far it’s okay. But I’ll have to hear more before I come to a conclusion.
Not me. I’m already sold. Shut up and take my money. No, don’t shut up! Keep talking! That’s what the money’s for! Words!

It’s historically inaccurate. Vault people are not radioactive fish monsters.
But those are the best kind! Hello! Real life is boring! Fake life is so much better.

A new holotape! It’s like Christmas in Des Moines. Only in this version, Des Moines doesn’t suck!

Where can we find the next holotape?
Well, did you hear what the voice in the box said? It said Greg Haskins.
I don’t know a Greg Haskins, but I know a Holotape. As in, Holotape Haskins the Holotape King?
We find him, and we find the next piece of the story.

after finding Haskins and being threatened by him

All righty, I think it’s time everyone calmed down a bit. Deep breaths.

Who are you? Another spy?

Do I look like a spy?

Good question. What do spies look like?

Well, the spies in the holotape stories wear tuxedos and mix martinis with their ding-a-ling.

Hm…you have a point. But just cause you aren’t a spy, it doesn’t mean you aren’t some dirty, Lenin-loving pinko.

I could be, I very well could, but would a communist want to blow up a famous socialist landmark? Because I totally would. Wink-wink.

You must mean the Obelisk of Stalin. Having that in the National Mall is a disgrace to all of America.
Destroying it would certainly prove your loyalty to the Founding Fathers. 

And in exchange, all we ask is for one, eentsy weentsy little holotape. Although come to think of it, it’s actually not that small.
Wouldn’t fit in a bra, anyway. Good thing I’m not wearing one.

Enough with the commie gibberish you crazy son of a bitch! Tell me, in English, do we have a deal or not?

Sure, why not. Blowing things up is kind of my thing.

forcegreet

Okay, can I talk to you outside? Away from the crazy person.

go outside

All right, it looks like we have a problem Houston. If that’s your real name.

What problem?
Well, that monument he wants us to blow up? Kind of a big deal. I don’t think a few grenades is gonna do it.
Lucky for us, we only need a piece of it. That should be proof enough.

Yeah, the problem is all of you are crazy.
Not gonna argue with you there. Because this plan I got is totally insane.
And we’re gonna need every bit of crazy to blow up this monument. Probably more than we got.

Are you seriously going to try and blow up the Washington Monument?
I wish. It’d be so great to see it topple. All that rubble, all that mayhem!
But nope, nope, can’t do it. Not without people noticing. Rules, you know!
So we take a bite instead. Just a chunk of rock off the tip. Pow pow instead of boom boom.
We do it right, and no one will even know it’s missing.

Do you really think Haskins will give us his holotape?
Probably maybe, but that’s much better than improbably likely.
You just leave him to me.

Where are we gonna find an explosive?
Oh, that’s the best part! We’re gonna build it! Just like the Floronic man did in the Captain Cosmos holotapes!
All we need is a mini nuke and a fission battery for the detonator!

All right, we’ll see.
Yes we shall, yes we shall.

I’ve got the mini nuke and battery.
Yes! Now to stuff it inside this Teddy Bear, and voila! Camouflage!

So what’s next?
Well, those Brotherhood of Steel jerks won’t let me up the tower, but you’re different. You smell nice.
So go up there, plant the bear, and I’ll trigger it from down below.
But be quick! I get antsy when there’s buttons to press and no one to press them.

Blow up monument section, pick up rock

Did you see it? Did you see how I made teddy go boom?
Well, I guess you couldn’t from where you were standing. Not without a periscope.
I really should’ve put that on the list.

You could’ve given me some warning.
That’s boring. Much better to make it a surprise. But you got the message, right?
I mean, the literal message I wrote, not “you got the message” like a threat. You know what I mean. Messages, for learning!

I certainly felt the impact.
Yeah, it’s no fun unless you’re up close. I thought you might try to run away, so I made it so you couldn’t.
And I know what you want me to say, so I’ll just come out and say it. You’re welcome.

You nearly got me killed you psychopath!
I know what you want me to say, so I’ll just come out and say it. You’re welcome.

What about the Brotherhood of Steel patrol?
Oh, don’t worry, before I pressed the button, I pointed at the sky and said “Incoming!”
So they think it was muties. Spoiler alert, it wasn’t.

Did the Knight I sent down the elevator make it safely?
You mean the big hunk of steel that ran past me? Yeah, I think he’ll be all right.

In any case, I have the block of concrete.
Oh good! What concrete?

The block of concrete we were going to give to Haskins.
Oh right! Holotapes! I can’t believe I forgot about the holotapes!
At long last, we’re gonna find out what happens to Greg and that hideous vault monster! I can’t wait!

after giving the block of concrete to Haskins

We did it! The last holotape! Are you going to press play, or am I?

The honor is all yours.
Ooh, but I’m not sure I want to. The second you press it, the story’s over.
That’s why I never really listen to the last episode of anything.

Okay, give me a second to find the button.
Wait! Don’t press it, not until I’ve got fingers in both ears.
See, I don’t know if I want to listen to it. Because then the story’s over, and it’s like, “Now what?”

I was just going to throw it away.
Yeah, that might be best. We get to the end, and it’s a dead end you know, like no turning back!
It’s much better to end where we are now. We can go forwards, backwards, leftwards, rightwards…we can go anywhere!

Well, it’ll be here whenever you want to listen.
In that case, I think it’s best to wait until we find another series worth listening to.
Until then, we should probably cover that play button with thumbtacks.

I’m like that to. Let’s not listen together.
Good idea! In fact, I think it’s best to wait until we find another series. Then there’s no down time. Only way to go is up.

Don’t worry. There are plenty of other holotapes to listen to.
That does make me feel better. Okay, you press play, but I’m gonna wait until we find another series.

Where can we find another holotape series?
Well, holotapes are everywhere. But finding one as good as “It Came from the Vault?”
Chances are slim to very, very skinny. I mean, It’s hard to top mutant fish men from underground.
But if anyone can do it, it’s you. Just be sure to bring me along for the ride.

Hellos and Idles

Dynamite’s the best birthday candle.

Confetti’s best when it’s made out of meat.

You know what would make us really rich? A cannon that shot raiders into space, just like all those Russian monkeys.
Man, those monkeys must be billionaires.

We should have one of those love-hate relationships.
You know, where we love to hate, and hate to love, and it leaves us hating ourselves but loving each other?
That would be awesome. No, never mind, I think I mean “awful.” Yeah, awful. Like, full of awe.

Have you ever seen President Kimball? I heard he has the wit of an Einstein and the mustache of a Civil War general. No wonder he’s the President.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god! Are you really gonna kill that tree? It’s a really big tree. Like you can’t just chop it down. That would hurt.
You’ll have to blow it up, right? I guess what I’m asking is…can I help?

(discover Andale residents are cannibals)
Are those bodies? Wow, and somebody’s been eating them! We really should let the Andale people know.

(In the Dunwich horror building, a Lovecraftian cell)
Tulu, Clooloo, Cthulu, Cighulu, Kulhu, Kutunluu, Thu Thu!
Thu Thu is my favorite. I am Thu Thu, destroyer of worlds!

So this is Talon Company headquarters. What are they selling?

So this is Underworld. The underwear of the earth.

to see what she’s repeating here, see sound file

Ooh I’ve been here before!
Please, sit back, relax and free yourself from the bonds of our planet as we take off for the stars, for the stars, planet of the stars, bzzzzzzzt!

Megaton! Oh wow, they have nukes here! Mind if I touch it?

You think I could be a Ranger Reilly? Or a Reilly’s Ranger? I bet one of them really sucks.

That Mayor MacCready has a real bitchface.

That Bittercup girl has my clothes! So that’s where they went.

(if outfit still equipped)
That Bittercup girl has my clothes! We must shop at the same graveyards.

The Keller family would’ve made for a great situation comedy.
It’s the end of the world, they’re living in a closet, and they all hate each other! I can practically smell the hi-jinks.
And then when things got stale, they could totally bring back Ralph as a ghoul! I think he’s got real comedic chops.

Press the button and the rockets go boom, heehee! Press it! Press it with your fist!

(near preacher with explosives)
Ooh, I really like this preacher. He has a lot of good ideas.

(super bombs is a cereal)
Ever try a box of Sugar Bombs? It’s fucking false advertising!

Some people call me Cherry, as in cherry bomb, but those people I kick right in the cherries.

All the best dramas are on holotape.
War of the Worlds, World of the Wars, Jangles the Tambourine playing Bloatfly!
Yup, all on holotape.

My dream is to make my own holotape. Okay, so maybe it’s not a dream, maybe it popped in my head three seconds ago.
But when I go to sleep tonight, I’m totally gonna turn that reality into a dream.

Sometimes I spit when I talk, and the wind will blow it right back in my eye! Now I wear goggles. So in your face, wind! But not in mine.

Don’t look up, but the sky is now lava.

We should rub honey all over ourselves. You catch more flies that way.

In one holotape, they talk about this place called the World Wide Web. I bet plenty of spiders lived there.

Don’t take it the wrong way if I bite you.

If I’m about to die, the last thing I’m gonna do is swallow a grenade.
Then I want chunks of me to fly everywhere and get caught in the bad guys’ throats.

There once was a man from Tenpenny
Who dressed like my ex-boyfriend Benny
He spent like a glutton so I pressed the button
And now he has no dimes to lend me

You kill real good. I like that.

When you blow the bad guys up, it makes for a real bonding moment.

So does Galaxy News Radio broadcast to all the galaxies, or just this one? Either way, it’s not half as good as a holotape.

On radio. you can’t even control the station. It’s like, “Stop playing that stupid song I hate radio man!”

Why are holotapes better than radio? They just are. Trust me. I’m one of those whatchmacallits. Audio files.

The sound quality on a mint condition holotape is like explosions in your ear.

You ever feel like your grenades are talking to you? Like they’re sitting in your hand saying “pull the pin, pull the pin, pull the pin!”
God, it’s just so tempting, you know? Just pull the pin! Pull it!

(Singing, albeit REM might not be lore friendly, who cares)
It’s the end of the world as we know it, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I eat flies…

(for sentence 2, the misspellings are intentional, trying to make it like she’s talking with half a tongue)
Ever feel like something’s right on the tip of your tongue, but you don’t know what it is?
And then you cut the tip off and it’s like “Holee thit, there’s nuthin ther afther all.”
Just another mystery we’ll never solve.

Actions speak louder than words. But bombs shut everyone up.

Ever seen a yao guai up close? They’re big and fluffy and you just want to squeeze the life out of them!

Ever put cherry bombs in bread and feed ’em to the birds? Hehehe you should try it.

Grenades should be pointier. They should stick into people like darts.

I heard gunpowder came from the Far East, and I don’t mean Annapolis.
Maybe that’s why America went boom. Those East siders didn’t just bring the boom, they invented it.

I used to have a pet molerat. I scratched him behind the ears, he bit off a piece of mine…it was all very, very sweet.