What do you want?

Nothing, just curious.
Yeah? That stuff will kill you, you know. Worse than any chem.

Well, right now, I want to pop your kneecaps.
Whoa, no need to get rough. Isn’t that what your shrink tells you?
I assume you got one, being crazy and all.

I want your caps and your belongings.
You right in the head, boy? Do I look like I have either?

You right in the head, woman? Do I look like I have either?

Sorry to bother you sir, just passing through.
Apology accepted. Just try and be less sneaky next time. Maybe carry a bell around your neck.

What are you doing out here?
Studying ants. Trying to figure out how they tick. If they tick. Or if they even have tickers.

Why study ants?
Long story. Long and boring. But if you like being bored, I used to work in agriculture.
Soil, mostly. Tried to get grass to grow in places it plain didn’t like, to feed the brahmin.
Why we made them the backbone of our society, I’ll never know.
Ants though, they can carry fifty times their own body weight. That’s some sturdy backbone.

You want to herd ants like cattle?
Does grass grow on dirt? Of course not, not anymore, and that’s why we need ants.
They don’t need acres of land to graze, and they can reproduce by the millions.

A million giant ants would overrun the wastes.
Yeah, and a brahmin would kill your sister if it could hold a gun. Animals in the wild don’t have a moral compass.

Is there a way to domesticate them?
Don’t see why not. Ants are good at taking orders. Unlike say, bees.

The problem with your plan is that brahmins are delicious.
Why on earth would you want to eat an ant? That’s worse than cannibalism, as far as I’m concerned.

Ants don’t produce milk. It’s a staple of any breakfast.
You don’t know gum about ants, do you. Ants are the ranchers of the insect kingdom.
They can herd and milk aphids just as well as any cowboy.
You don’t try and build an ant farm. The ants are the farm.

What sort of research methods are you using?
Well, my plan is to live among the ants as a worker drone, to understand their culture.
First though, I have to figure out how to communicate with them.

How will you communicate with the ants?
I’ve got a plan. You see, ants communicate through some sort of telepathy. Just like Jesus.
That’s how they tell the colony where the food is, or sound the alarm when there’s danger.

I’m pretty sure ants communicate via scent, not telepathy.
That’s a load of bunk! You can’t smell words! That’s like trying to taste an idea.
No, ants have a language all right. I just need to transcribe it is all.

What makes you think they use telepathy?
Easy, because they don’t make a sound. It’s like radio waves or skull termites. You can’t see them, but they sure as shit exist.

Is it possible for humans to speak telepathically?
Sure, so long as you have a device, like a Pip-Boy or short wave radio.
Didn’t they teach you any of this in home-school?

Forget the ants, I want to hear more about Jesus’ telepathic powers.
You never been to church? They say he speaks to all of us, without so much as a word. Probably because he’s an ant.

So what’s this plan for communicating with the ants?
Simple. I turn my body into bait. I’m gonna turn myself into a delicious man roast, and get the ants shouting and screaming to all their friends.
Once I learn the ant word for “food,” I’ll be able to summon the colony at my leisure. Only this time, I’ll have some real food set aside.
From there, it’s just a matter of putting myself in the assembly line.

That is quite frankly the stupidest plan I have ever heard.
Of course it’s stupid. It’s not rocket science. Anybody can do it, and that’s why it’s brilliant.

I don’t think learning the language will keep them from attacking you.
Of course it will. Anyone who speaks the language is recognized as a member of the colony.
It’s like the rings the freemasons wore to identify each other.
Doesn’t matter if you got six legs or ten toes, a mason’s a mason and an ant’s an ant.

Turning yourself into bait is extremely dangerous. I can’t allow it.
And who elected you President? Was it Ted? Well you can tell him I’m keeping his sweaters, I don’t care if his grandmother gave them to him.
A bet’s a bet.

Good luck. I hope your research bears fruits and not your corpse.
Thank you friend. Tell you what, if I ever figure out how to speak “ant,” I’ll teach you a few words, maybe even some naughty ones.
Oh yeah, ants got them words too.

Do you live out here alone?
Of course. I don’t need a horde of Chinese graduate students mucking things up with their number porn. They’d just get in my way.

Are you experienced in this sort of research?
No one is. This is an entirely new field. But I’m not unfamiliar with the, uh, scientific method.
I know all about Sir Francis Bacon and John Q. Hamburger. But unlike those pork-brains, I’ve actually worked on a farm.

Hellos
Did you know in the old world, ants made up 20% of the total biomass of animals?
That’s right, if you put all the animals of the world on one side of the scale, and just pour ants on the other, it’d still be relatively close.

I hear some ants can breathe fire. Which is scary, because ants don’t run out of breath.

The beauty of ants is that they’re smart, but they don’t over-think things either.

I once met a wastelander who told me he had ants in his pants. What a load of hooey.

My daughter disagrees with my hobby. She thinks we should farm geckos. Geckos! Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?

The ant colony I’m studying isn’t too far from here. Every day their nest grows bigger. Watch yourself.

Do I fear ants? I wouldn’t call it that. More like I respect their power.

They say ants are one of God’s creatures. Lose the “creature” part and you’re closer to the truth.

All right. But don’t touch my ants. I’ve been known to do crazy things to people who touch my ants.

Someone once told me I look antsy. That has to be the finest compliment I ever got.

Don’t make the ant queen angry. You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry.
No, I’m just pulling your leg. There’s no way anyone would ever stop liking ants.

Them Jackal Gangers leave me be. Probably because I got ant pheromones all over my body.