Up next is a painting made by some guy. Real mysterious son of a bitch.

Next item is a painting of a cat. You lowlifes like cats, don’t you? Well, here’s your chance to buy one.

This next item is…well, I don’t know what it is. My guess is it gives you super powers. In bed.

So here’s something all you raider types might like. A pipe gun. Made of real pipes. From somebody’s toilet to your holster.

Got a real nice item up next. A sack hood. That’s right. If you got one of them faces that needs covering up, this is just the thing for you.

Next up is a desk fan. You can’t plug it in, but you can spin the blade with your finger. It’s good for exercise.

All right, here’s something you’re all gonna love, and my personal favorite. It’s a roll of duct tape. Use it to patch up anything. Your walls, your guns, your marriage. Trust me, it works.

Okay kiddies, get ready for something you’ve never seen before in your entire life. Check it out. A tin can. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’ve seen lots of tin cans. But have you ever seen this one? I don’t think so.

Here’s something new. It’s called a…hold on, let me get my reading glasses on…it’s an Assaultron circuit something or other. Whatever, point is, it’s worth a lot of caps.

How about this for style? A genuine box of San Francisco Sunlights. You can smoke like a rich man and smell like an ash tray.

Here’s something for anyone who’s got kids. A derby-winning toy car. What derby? How the fuck should I know? Ask a ghoul.

Look what we have here! You history types are gonna love this. It’s a Pre-War globe. Discover what the world was like before we put it in the oven.

Up next is the perfect item for any family and people who ain’t got no friends. A board game called Blast Radius.

Up next is a real beaut. A nice little thing to decorate your house with. All its missing is the flowers. Where do you get flowers? What do I look like, a gardener? Find ’em yourself.

Here’s something for all you reading and writing types. It’s a pencil. Number 2, I think. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, it ain’t number one. But now’s not the time to be picky.

Our next item is a baseball glove. Don’t like baseball? Well, your kids might. Don’t have any kids? Then go make some. The world ain’t gonna repopulate itself.

Up next is the perfect item to get you in the mood for something called “Halloween.” It’s a plastic pumpkin with a scary face on it. People in the old world were into some real freaky shit, I tell ya.

You ever find a box of cigarettes and think to yourself, “Gee, this would be great if I had something to light it.” Well, this next item is just for you. A gold-plated flip lighter.

This next item is a real treat. Like you can put it in your mouth and eat it. A box of Fancy Lads Snack Cakes.

This next one’s a doozy. A bonafide, one of a kind, shadeless table lamp.

Here’s some paint. It’s yellow. Don’t like yellow? Mix it up with blue. That you gotta buy somewhere else though.

Our next item is something all you drunks can appreciate. A shot glass. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. “Can’t I just drink from the bottle?” Sure, if you wanna kill yourself. This thing’s like a measuring cup. It gets you the right amount of drunk, without getting wasted.

Our next item is something for all you scavvers who like to go around scavving in the dark. A lantern.

This next item will help you tell the time twice a day and the price of a soda any time else. A gold watch.

Here’s a seven ball. Use it for your pool table. Collect them all and you gotta game.

This right here is a genuine Commonwealth sauce pan.

Here’s something unique for ya. It’s a pet rock. What does it do? I don’t know, but I’ll tell you what it doesn’t do. Take a dump in your shoe.

Quest where player tries to sell porno tape

Okay, get your wallets out. This next one is gonna be pricey. It’s a holotape made by some pervert. Real kinky shit. Guaranteed to pull your chain.

Quest where player must buy special baseball

All right, this here is a special item. A baseball known as the “Shot heard round the world.” I think someone swatted it so hard it killed the President. Just ask Moe in Diamond City if you want the details.

No bids

So no one’s gonna bid for this? You all just came here to sit around and pick your noses, is that it?

Come on you mopes, live a little!

This is ridiculous. Ain’t no one gonna bid on this?

100

We’ll start the bidding at 100 caps. 100 caps you mooks. Even you lazy jackanapes can pay that much.

200

How about we start the bidding at 200 caps. A price even you lousy dopes can afford.

Do I hear 200? Two hundred you lazy jamokes.

Two hundred caps. Come on ya bums, you can afford that.

200 from what’s her face over there.  Do I hear three?

200 from the guy in the thing. Anyone wanna go for three?

300

Let’s start this baby up at 300.

Do I hear 300? Seriously, one of you lowlifes has got to have 300 caps.

Three hundred caps people, it’s not a lot of money.

300 from somewhere over there.  Do I hear four?

400

How about we start this ride off at 400 caps.

Do I hear 400? Get those purses out ladies, stuff this good doesn’t come cheap.

Come on, live a little. Spend a little money you cheap sons of bitches.

400 from…let’s say my cousin Kim. Do I hear five?

500

Let’s say we start at 500. That’s five zero zero.

Do I hear 500? I know it’s a good chunk of change, but what else you gonna spend it on?

You think holding on to those caps is gonna make you happy? Nah, you gotta cash those chips in.

500 from old blue eyes. Or brown eyes, whatever. Do I hear six?

600

Do I hear 600? Shit man, that’s like what, one week’s pay? That’s nothing compared to all the fun you’ll have with this thing.

Six from…well, you all heard who said it. Do I hear seven?

700

Do I hear 700? A real bargain at that price. You know I wouldn’t lie to you.

All right, seven! I don’t know your name, but I know you got style. Do I hear eight?

800

Do I hear 800? Can’t say it’s cheap, but I can say it’s worth it.

Eight hundred! Looks like we might set a new record today folks!
The only question is, are you gonna be the one to set it? Or are you gonna let this other jamoke get all the glory?

Some people say you can’t put a price on happiness. Well, I say you can. It’s 800 caps.

(alternates)

It’s 900 caps.

It’s 1000 caps.

It’s 1500 caps.

It’s 2000 caps.

It’s 3000 caps.

900

Do I hear 900? Dig deep into those pockets kiddies, I know you can do better than that for a genuine whatever this is.

Here’s the thing. You know this ain’t worth that much. I know this ain’t worth that much. But it ain’t about value. It’s about whether you’re gonna let this one of kind item be in your living room, or somebody else’s.

1000

Do I hear 1000? Hey, this is totally worth it. I swear on mother’s grave.

A thousand caps. Borrow the money if you have to. If you need help, I know a guy. My cousin Sully. He’ll give you a good rate.

1500

Do I hear 1500? I must be because only an idiot wouldn’t pay that much for something this special!

Look, take out a loan! Mortgage your house! You’ll be happy you did it when you got this thing sitting on your mantle!

2000

Do I hear 2000? This is for high rollers only folks! If you’re a cheap, no good son of a bitch than you have no business bidding for this!

3000

Do I hear 3000? This is as high as this ride goes folks, so if you make that bid, you’re pretty much guaranteed to win.

Player Dialogue

What about you? Gonna make a bid?

Sure.
Smart choice.

So, any of you lazy cheapskates wanna do better?

We got a new top bidder here! Anyone gonna beat that?

Not interested.
Then what the hell are you interrupting me for?

Okay, where was I…

I need to think about it.
Think about it? This an auction, not a damn buffet.

 

SOLD

Going once…
Going twice…
Bada-bing bada-boom, sold!
Sold!