Welcome to the Internal Revenue Service. Please take a ticket and wait for your number to be called.

But I’m the only person here.
That may be so, but I can’t speak to you unless you have a number. Please take a ticket from the red machine on the wall to my left.

You can’t be fucking serious.
Oh, we here at the IRS are quite serious. Exceedingly so, some might say. But we consider that a compliment.

Very well. I’ll take a number.
Thank you. You can wait in the lobby until your number is called.

player goes to IRS agent without prompting

Grab a number and have a seat.

Wait until you’re called please.

player takes a number

Number one! Now serving customer number one! Please have your ticket ready when you approach the desk!

Player comes number

Thank you. May I have your ticket?

Here you go.
Splendid. How may I help you?

This is stupid.
Your opinions aren’t relevant to this conversation. Do you have a ticket or not?

I have to go.
Very well. I hope our service was to your liking. If you would like to leave any feedback, please fill out form H2-R with Ms. Palmeiro to your right.

Tell me about the Internal Revenue Service.
It’s like the name says. We collect revenue in order to better service the people.
In fact, I’d say we’re one of the more respected and beloved institutions in all of D.C.

What made you want to restore the IRS?
Well, when parents teach their kids to read, most use whatever Pre-War book they can find. Mine happened to use something called the “tax code.”
But after spending my entire life reading it, it’s become more than a text book. It’s a way of life.

How do you collect taxes?
It’s pretty simple. Whenever we hear about someone making a lot of caps, we send our people after them to collect a percentage.

Who collects the money?
At the moment, we mostly rely on bounty hunters and wastelanders like yourself. It’s not ideal, but c’est la guerre.
That’s a French saying, by the way. If you’d like a proper translation, I can refer you to the right text.

Perhaps I can help you collect on some taxes.
Would you? Our current collector hasn’t been back for ages, so it’d really help if you could replace him.
The problem is we’ll first need to fill out form PQ-47B, for temporary hires. Or FA-39C, for temp to permanent hires.
Although there’s a different form if you’re an independent contractor as opposed to working with a union.

Is there an easier way to do this?
Hm…we could employ you under the Taft-Hartley Labor Act, provided you’re from out of state.
And seeing as states don’t exist, I think it works! You’re hired!

That’s ridiculous. I’m not filling out any of those forms.
Really? But that’s the funnest part.
Hm…I suppose we could go through the Taft-Hartley Labor Act instead, provided you’re from out of state.

I’m sorry, but I can’t fill out your forms. I don’t know how to read.
Oh. Then I recommend you pick up a copy of the tax code. That’s how I got started anyways.
But that might take a while…hm…

How about you fill out the forms before I shoot you in the face.
As much as I’d like to, that would render all the forms ineligible.

So where do I start?
I’d start with a fellow by the name of Orin Thatcher.
He used to live in Megaton, but word is he came into quite a sum of money and moved into the Resort Homes near Reclining Groves.
There’s also Selma Watterson.
Word is she gambled her way out of the poorhouse, which would be all well and good if gambling profits weren’t subject to IRS Form W2-G.

How much do they owe the IRS?
Well, according to our auditors, 300 caps each, after interest. Shouldn’t be too hard to wrangle out of them.
I’ll mark their last known locations on your Pip Boy. Let me know if you have any other questions.

What do you do with the tax money you collect?
Most of it goes to infrastructure. Rebuilding roads, buildings, and things like that.
Of course, before we can give any of it away, the proper applications have to be filled out first.

What kind of applications?
Just standard issue stuff. It’s all pretty simple if you ask me.
Still, I can’t tell you how many times a leaky pipe wasn’t fixed because the owner failed to fill out section 25-B of Form 8037-G.
In fact, one guy actually turned in Form 8037-H instead! Can you believe it?
Here we have an entire town losing water by the gallons, and the mayor sends an application to operate a Class C farm vehicle! Ha-ha-ha!

That’s horrible. What kind of soulless organization are you?
I hear that a lot, but I don’t get it. Does having a soul make you more likely to file the wrong paperwork?

Oh man. Only a moron would mistake Form 8037-H for Form 8037-G.
That’s what I said! But you’d be surprised how many people make that mistake.

What you just said isn’t even English.
If you’re having trouble understanding the forms, I suggest you go over the tax code in detail before attempting to fill them out.
It’ll save everyone a lot of time.

Have you tried highlighting certain sections to make it more clear?
Oh, we can’t make any changes to the forms. That would require approval from the higher ups. The problem is, none of the current officials are even alive.
Still, you can’t breach protocol.

Under what authority do you have to do this?
The authority of the United States government, of course. Sure, most of the branches aren’t in the best shape, but all they need is funding to get back on their feet. Funding that we can provide.
So long as we’re around, the government can build itself back up piece by piece. And it’ll take more than a nuclear holocaust to destroy the IRS.

Hellos
I suggest you hurry. We have a reputation to protect.

Glad to have you as part of the team.

Just remember the Internal Revenue Service is here for you, the taxpayer.

Here’s Selma Watterson’s tax debt.
Good work. Now, she’ll still need to file her 1040 before the end of the month, but I’m sure she knows that already.

Marcus suggest they poison the IRS coffee, meets player at office, takes a number. Number 02

Number two! Now serving customer number two! Please have your ticket ready when you approach the desk!

 

conversation with Marcus

Hello sir! Welcome to the Internal Revenue Service! How can I help you today?

Yeah, my name’s Marcus Thatcher. I’m Orin’s son. I understand he owes you some caps.

I see Mr. Thatcher, may I ask about your father’s whereabouts?

He’s dead. Got shot in the belly by one of your men.

Oh dear, that’s very unfortunate. But if he’s deceased, that does mean the debt obligations go to his estate. Are you the executor?

Executor? I’m his son you heartless leech!

Pardon? I was pulling your father’s file and I didn’t catch what you said.

Nothing. Here. Take your blood money. Because in about a minute, all of you are gonna get what’s coming to you anyway.

I’m sure we will. Thank you for visiting the Internal Revenue Service.

Marcus Thatcher wanted me to poison your coffee.
Oh my god, really? Yikes. Ah well, while it’s not a nice thing to do, I don’t think it breaks any IRS regulations, so I’m fine with it.
But I’ll submit a request to have the coffee maker moved to a more secure location.

Or you could just, I don’t know, move the damn thing.
Oh that would be against the rules. First we need to submit the form for approval, then send a document to all employees informing them of the change and give them a chance to appeal.
Once the appeals process is done, then and only then can we move the coffee maker.

Wait, so you’re not mad or anything?
Well, he wouldn’t be the first to try and poison a federal employee. But if you trust in the system, you know there are safety protocols in place.
But if you trust in the system, you know there are safety protocols in place for this sort of thing.

Yes, because the coffee’s location is the problem, not your Draconian rules.
Look, if you have a complaint, I suggest you go through the proper channels.
You’ll need to fill out a form of course, and submit it to our Taxpayer Assistance Center.
And in about three months you should get a reply notifying you when and where you can submit your feedback.

Good thinking. Let me know if I can be of further assistance. 
Will do. And if you’re the type who likes to file and collate, don’t be afraid to apply for a temp position.
Here at the IRS, we’re always looking for new talent!

if Marcus goes on shooting spree

Holy crap! That guy was trying to kill us!

He would’ve succeeded too, if I didn’t stop him.
Yeah, your timing was pretty good to say the least.
On the other hand, you were the agent responsible for this case, weren’t you? You should be more observant.
So while I thank you for the help, I will make a note of this in your next review.

My guess is he got tired of waiting in line.
But I already helped him! He even paid off his tax debt! (Sigh) Sometimes I feel like I really don’t get people.
Anyways, thanks for the assist. I’ll make sure to include it in your annual review.

Not just you. Everything you stand for.
But why? We’re here to service the people! It says so right in our name!
(Sigh) Anyways, thanks for the assist.

He was crazy. Don’t let it get to you.
Don’t worry. I’m sure this type of situation is covered in the company manual. I’ll just need a moment to gather myself before I consult it.

Old customer waiting

I’ve been here for hours! Why won’t anyone talk to me?

My ticket says “AB.” But so far they’ve only called numbers.

What’s going on? You got here after me! Why are they helping you first!

I’ve been waiting for my number to be called for hours! I don’t understand!

I’ve filled out all the right forms, but they won’t give me the caps! It’s ridiculous!

Customer 2

I’m sure if I just wait here patiently, my turn will come up.

I got a notice saying I was owed a refund. 10 caps. The timing couldn’t be better. I really need the money.

I inherited my family caravan last fall. I told Izzy and she said I needed to pay taxes on the Brahmin. So I paid. 

Any day now, they’ll call my number.

 

SELMA WATTERSON

What is it?
Yeah?
Can I help you with something?
You again. What is it this time?
See ya.
All right then.

The IRS says you owe them money.
You mean Izzy? Look, I don’t know what kind of radroach crawled up her ass, but this harassment has got to stop.
There’s only two people I give my caps to. My landlord, and my dealer.
Last time I checked, Izzy ain’t either.

[Speech] The tax money will go to infrastructure.
[Failed] How is that better than putting it in my pocket?

[Speech] It’d be worth it just to get her off your back.
[Success] Shit, you might be right. How much was it, 300 caps? That’s a drop in the bucket for me anyway.
But this is the last time. If she so much as breathes on me again, I’m gonna shove her forms so far up her ass she’ll be coughing up ink.

I agree. There’s no reason to pay her anything.
Seriously. I don’t know where she even gets the balls. I mean you’ve gotta be a real piece of work to start asking people for their hard earned money.

You can’t evade the IRS forever.
[Failed] Why, what’s Izzy gonna do? Bore me to death? Get lost.

Izzy isn’t asking you. I am. And I’m not someone you wanna fuck with.
[Success] Hey, I don’t want any trouble. Here. Just tell Izzy to leave me be.

Izzy is mentally unstable and this would go a long way to helping her.
I don’t know. Sounds to me like you’re just making it worse.
But fine, you seem like a good kid. This is as much for you as it is for her.

Izzy’s a lunatic. Do you really want to fuck with a crazy person?
I may be wearing a fancy dress, but I’m not like these other mooks. I grew up with a handgun for a pillow. Izzy doesn’t scare me.

How did you make your fortune?
Cards. You ever play Caravan? It’s more popular out west, but there’s a whole lot more suckers out east. 
I beat Tenpenny himself out of one of his suites.

What are your thoughts on ghouls?
I don’t have a problem with them. I used to be friends with Gob in Megaton. Good guy, bad skin.

MARCUS THATCHER

player finds Orin Thatcher dead, approached from behind by Marcus Thatcher

Hands up motherfucker! You got five seconds to tell me who you are and what you’re doing here!

I’m with the Internal Revenue Service. Just here to collect taxes owed.
The Internal what? The fuck you talking about?

And you got five seconds to drop your gun before I shove it down your throat.
I’m not doing nothing until you tell me what you’re doing in my pa’s basement!

Easy. Don’t do something you’ll regret.
Trust me. I won’t. Now tell me who you are!

Izzy Rae Stein says your father owes money. Do you know her?
Goddamnit, I should’ve known they’d send someone else. It’s them who done killed my pappy, in case you haven’t noticed.
But you’re a little young for a cold-blooded killer. You have no idea who you’re working for, do you?
And if that’s the case…maybe we can work something out.

What happened here?
My guess is one of Izzy’s goons come here saying Pa owes taxes. She’s been doing that shit to a whole lotta folks, but few pay them any mind.
Pa don’t like being harassed though. He always had a quick temper. Probably took the guy down here to shoot him.

How did your father come to live here?
A few months back, he got a tip about a boatload of caps hidden in one of these luxury resorts.
Thing is, this place is ass deep in Super Mutants. He couldn’t get the loot out. Got trapped inside for weeks.
But pappy was smart. He started attaching notes to those Enclave bots, like messages in a bottle.
One of ’em got to me. Problem is, they got to a few other folks first. Including Izzy Stein.

What’s your opinion of the IRS?
It’s a gang of thugs and crooks, is what it is. Izzy may think she’s running some charity, but in reality she’s just an ordinary thief. Plain and simple.

If your father is dead, does that mean his debts are absolved?
Are you kidding? Death can’t save you from the IRS. Now that he’s gone, Izzy’s going to come after me. But I got a plan.

washo is laundry detergent

What are you proposing?
We go back to Izzy’s office and I pay my fine. But while I’m distracting her, you slip some Washo into their coffee.  
Just one sip of that fresh ground detergent and we’ll be rid of those thieves once and for all. 

I’m heading over their now. The second she calls my number, you make your move.

Meet me at Izzy’s office. Just wait for her to call my number.

forcegreet at IRS office, Brahmin is bra-min, h is silent

Good. You made it. I was beginning to wonder if you’d show up in time.
Then I realized this place moves slower than a one-legged brahmin. There was no way you wouldn’t get here first.

Yeah. You have to take a number from the machine, then wait.
Did that already. According to my ticket, I’m number two. So at worst I’ve got only one person in front of me.

In that case, I might as well come back in a week. 
Pretty much, but right now I’m number two. I’m guessing number one already had his turn, so they should be calling me up any second now.

What you call I slow, I call being meticulous.
Then you’d fit right in here, which is kind of scary if you think about it. It’s best we get rid of them now before they turn you.

You’re a fool if you think I’m going to kill these folks, but whatever.
If you’re getting cold feet, then I suggest you remember the dead bodies in my Pappy’s basement. Now suck it up and let’s get this done.

IRS calls his number

Looks like we’re on.

Conversation with Izzy

conversation with Marcus

Hello sir! Welcome to the Internal Revenue Service! How can I help you today?

Yeah, my name’s Marcus Thatcher. I’m Orin’s son. I understand he owes you some caps.

I see Mr. Thatcher, may I ask about your father’s whereabouts?

He’s dead. Got shot in the belly by one of your men.

Oh dear, that’s very unfortunate. But if he’s deceased, that does mean the debt obligations go to his estate. Are you the executor?

Executor? I’m his son you heartless leech!

Pardon? I was pulling your father’s file and I didn’t catch what you said.

Nothing. Here. Take your blood money. Because in about a minute, all of you are gonna get what’s coming to you anyway.

I’m sure we will. Thank you for visiting the Internal Revenue Service.

player talks to Marcus inside office

Let’s go. We’ll talk outside.

outside office

Well, how’d it go? Did you spike the coffee?

I’m sorry, I didn’t have a chance.
Shit, do I have to do everything myself? I guess we’re gonna have to do this the old fashioned way then. (draws weapon)

I never had any intention of doing so.
I should’ve figured. Pretty much everyone who works for the IRS is a soulless bastard, you included.
Well, I’m gonna put an end to their bullshit right now!

Don’t worry. The IRS won’t bother you anymore.
I hear ya. Right now I bet that Washo’s running through their veins like a bad chill.
Anyways, it’s probably best we split up, just in case Izzy’s friends come looking for us.
But before I go, I just wanna say thanks. Not many folks would stick their neck on the line for a stranger, but you’re all right.

Yeah, I spiked it. Those fuckers are as good as dead.
It feels good, doesn’t it? We just struck down one of the most crooked organizations in all the wastes.

Post-Quest Hellos

Those IRS assholes got what was coming to them.

Pappy will rest easy knowing those bloodsuckers are dead.

We should probably split up. Best pretend we don’t know each other.

Thanks again for all your help.