Let me guess, you want me to work on your settlement. You know how I know? It was the beans that told me.

Work for me
I knew it! The beans never lie. The pork though…never trust the pork.

Idles

I had a pet radroach named Clicky. But he tried to eat me one day, so I returned the favor.

Roaches have their own special language. It’s like Morse code, mixed in with some interpretive dance.

I don’t have time to worry about the Institute. Not when the mole people are out there.

Watch the skies. You’ll probably see a few clouds are up there, plotting.

Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a secret agent for the Sisterhood of Steel. The fact that I’m a man only helps with my cover.

Part of my job as a clandestine operative is to find members of the other metals – iron, copper, lead – and eliminate them.

During my time on other other planets, I’ve learned a great deal. A great, great deal.

The most effective way to send messages is by wind.

There are millions of different organisms living in our bodies. I’ve made contact with at least eight of them.

Did you know that “settlement” is an anagram for Institute? Maybe not in English, but certainly in most animal languages.

Technically this is all a simulation. I’m not actually talking to you. My mouth is being controlled by a giant hand, using my head as a sock puppet.

The Russians and Chinese? They don’t even exist. Everything you’ve ever been told is a lie, except when you talk to me.

Ever wonder why there aren’t more Mrs. Handys? That’s because the Misters killed them all, in a military coup.

All Mr. Handys swore a blood oath to the lizard god, 2-Tails, to serve mankind forever. But here’s the thing. How many machines do you know that bleed?

It’s important to watch what you eat. Sometimes I’ll stare at my dinner for hours, just to make sure it’s not moving.

I once saw a man in black shut down a mole person by shouting a secret code.
That’s why sometimes I’ll just start spewing random numbers to see if any of the people here shut down.
So far, no one’s gone limp yet. But there’s a lot of numbers in the moleman alphabet. I’m just getting started.

Mole people and mole rats aren’t related. One’s a rodent, the other’s a genetically modified alien living a thousand feet under the earth’s crust.

Ever met Takahashi in Diamond City? Some say his noodles are made of people. But nope, it’s just plain old ramen.

Nuka Cola was actually a mind control juice, invented by the government to indoctrinate the populace. But now that there’s no government, it’s just a fizzy drink.

Ravens are actually flying cameras, sent by the mole people to spy on our behavior.

Never use a stimpak for a wound. It’s just a placebo. The whole thing’s nothing but a scam made up by cactus worshipers to try and rebrand needles.

As a time traveler, I adhere to strict diet of water, nuts, and cheese.

Don’t trust people who put an emphasis on making caps.
There are aliens on Rygel-9 who’d pay a lot of money for a human soul, and it’s only a matter of time before these so-called friends of yours try to cash in.

Beans are one of the few intelligent plant species left on the planet. Well, this planet, anyway.

I like to collect old newspapers, and look for secrets hidden in the ad section. People back then really liked massages for some reason.

People who wear tin foil hats are idiots. Only reinforced steel provides the proper protection from mind control waves.

By my count you have seven double agents working for you on this settlement alone. Most of them have invisibility cloaks though, you need special sunglasses to see them.

I encourage you to have as many cats on this settlement as you can.
They’re a natural predator for birds, and in my experience they’re good for keeping those feathery cameras off your back.

My time on Orion taught me a lot about Beltonian martial arts. I can pinch a man to death just by targeting his life force.

The wasteland is tough, but nothing is tougher than a Zetacronian prison. Trust me, I know.

Keep your eyes and ears open friend. Wide open.

Watch out for mind snipers. Even on this settlement, I see their bullets whizzing by all the time.

Stay woke, my friend. Stay very, very woke.