A craftable settlement robot that tells bad jokes. Not good jokes, not dad jokes, but bad jokes. Not so bad they’re funny jokes, just bad.

JOKES

What do you call a radstag who helps carry your gear? Grilled.

Did you hear the one about the synth dog? He was no bark and all byte.

Why did the builder dismantle the can of rat poison? Because he was Crafton Steel. (Context: Grafton Steel is a WV company that dumped toxic materials in a lake, and rat poison can be dismantled into steel parts)

A chem and a stimpak walk into a bar. In a pair of high heals.

What do you call a dog that turns feral? A monghoul.

What do you call a mutant bear with a distaste for consonants? A vowel guai.

How’s the weather in Spring Valley? Very crisp.

Why do people use caps to buy things? Probably because they aren’t free.

Did you hear about the woman who had her Mister Handy build her entire settlement? You might say she did it single-handedly.

An Institute scientist once made a field of synthetic wheat. He called them “robograins.”

Did you hear about Jimmy from the Mojave? He got well at a very young age, despite never being sick. (Context: Jimmy in FNV fell in a well, hence “got well”)

Why did the Super Mutant join the Minutemen? He caught the Forced Revolutionary Virus.

Why did the student build his settlement at the theater? Because the library was booked.

Knock-Knock.
Who’s there?
Deathclaws.
Deathclaws who?
Well a deathclaw zoo sounds like fun, but only if the cages can hold them.

Knock-Knock.
Who’s there?
Wonder
Wonder who?  (wonderglue)
Why thank you, I’m in need of a good adhesive.

I’m not a fan of Parsons State Insane Asylum. You have to be crazy to live there.

I asked the Atom Cats why their logo had a mushroom cloud. Apparently it’s because they’re fun guys.

What did Grognak say to Dr. Brainwash at his wedding? I do.

Why was the comic book collector wrapped in a shroud? Because it had a silver lining.

A Brotherhood soldier brags, “Our top scientist builds the best robots.” To which the Institute man replies, “I know. I made the scientist.”

What does a taxidermist eat with his InstaMash? No meat and plenty of stuffing.

Did you hear about the army robot with a telephone for an arm? They say he made some very “gutsy” calls.

I used to tell a joke about walking into a bar, but it was far too pedestrian.

The owner of the Third Rail asked a decorator to redesign the place. To which she replied, “I recommend you don’t touch it.”

A man walks into the Third Rail with a slab of asphalt. He tells Charlie, “I’ll have a Gwinnett, and another one for the road.”

How do you turn dirty water in the Wasteland holy? You boil the hell out of it.

Ever had fried fog crawler? Some think it’s unique to Far Harbor, but it’s actually cooked in Greece.

What do you call an eyebot with a nose? Nobody but one eye knows.

Wildwood cemetery is a very popular location. People are just dying to get there.

I’ve been told I was named after Wadsworth. About ten years after, to be precise.

A wastelander once drank so much Nuka-Cola he never had to sleep. The guards put him in jail for resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the settler whose left side was eaten by ferals? He was a bit broken up about it, but all right now.

A synth comes out of the assembly line and asks his creator, “How do I look?” The scientist says, “With your eyes.”

The four unspoken rules of the Wasteland are as follows:

Why did the man turn down a job at the Stealth Boy factory? He couldn’t see himself working there.

Why do scavengers love the asylum? It’s a great place to find loose screws.

They say you can lead a Giddyup horse to water, but you can’t make her drink out of anything buttercup.

The other day a settler walked into the Super Salon asking John for a haircut. To which John replied, “Just the one?”

Why aren’t there any motorcycles in the Wasteland? It’s because they’re two tired.

Why did the mob leave the mirelurks alone? Because they’re already sleeping with the fishes.

A farmer tried to domesticate a Radscorpion by removing his stinger. They say the end result was rather pointless.

A settler tells a synth he has trouble picking his nose. The synth replies, “You got to pick your nose? The Institute picked mine.”

A Zetan lands on Earth to study human relationships. He asks us, “What can you tell me about love?” To which the humans reply, “AAAAAAAAAGH!”

(for above, the “joke” is they see an alien and are screaming, so this can be any scream)

(non-Fallout version)
An alien lands on our planet to study romantic partnerships.

A mayor, a tyrant, and a crook walk into a bar. But enough about Mr. McDonough…

A settlement walks into a bar and asks a Minuteman for help.

Time flies like an arrow, bloat flies like a you.

All Pre-War food is edible. Some are just single serving.

A bottlecap gets pulled over for speeding. He shows the policeman his ID with a dollar bill on it and says, “Sorry, it’s an old picture.”

What do you call a mutant in charge of a school district? A “supermutendent.”

You can nuke the Commonwealth, but you can’t Nuka Cola.

When is a turret like a typewriter? When they’re victims to total hacks.

What kind of feral generates its own electricity? A Glowing Ohm.

They say the best magazine on exploring caves in Nuka-World is Cricket Fences.

Buffout and Mentats go on a double date, and walk away leaving out the men.  (Bufftats has no “out” or “men”)

What’s a stimpak’s favorite elements? Helium and Curium.

They say the mayor of Carbon City couldn’t handle the pressure.

Why are sneaky chem users considered upper class? Because they have a private Jet.

A man named Ron goes to the gun store in Goodneighbor, and immediately flees. Why? The store was run by an Assault-ron.

A man walks into a job interview and asks, what are your night rates? Do you pay double time? And the employer replies, “No, 3.”  (A nitrate is NO3)

FALLOUT 3 WADSWORTH JOKES
Two Wendigos are eating a clown. One pauses for a second and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”
The other one just throws up his hands.

A slightly irradiated cat has 18 half-lives.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I once found a crematorium that gave discounts for burn victims.

(Lines that fire when the jokebot is waiting for the timer to elapse)

This machine can only generate a maximum of four jokes per hour. Please return at a later date for your next joke.

This machine constructs new material by melding contemporary information with a database of historical jokes. Results may vary.

If you are in need of further laughter, please contact the operator for directory assistance. A comedy club is likely within driving distance.

In order to stay relevant, this machine canvasses local radio broadcasts and incorporates contemporary references into its algorithm.

Warning: Prolonged use of this joke machine has been linked to cases of extreme boredom and brain damage. Use at your own discretion.

Any jokes that are similar to the Mister Handy Wadsworth model are purely coincidental and definitely not stolen.

J.O.K.E.R. stands for Joke Or Karaoke Entertainment Robot. Current model no longer does karaoke or entertainment.

These jokes are not intended for professional use.

For complaints, please contact our public relations department. Based on the current queue, a reply should arrive sometime in the next 52,000 hours.

Our company is not responsible for any tomato related injuries caused by repeating these jokes.

Warning: Repeating these jokes verbatim may cause a decrease in self-esteem and a damaged reputation among your peers.

The jokes generated by this machine have not been approved by professional comedians. Any actual humor caused by this device is unintentional.