Ha. An old Oblivion reference. Unimportant. Anywho, I am Maz and this is my fanfiction-I mean contribution idea. for those who are unfamiliar with what I dub “The Spider Grenades of Solstheim”, behold the glorious hush-hushed secret “scrolls” added in the Dragonborn DLC that in my opinion partially make up for no spears:
http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/Spider_Scrolls
Just read up on the whole concept and the individual “scrolls” and try to tell me those things are not begging to be made fun of or at least acknowledged. Ergo, this thing. I’m also seizing this opportunity to bring up some basic Solstheim-Travel-Related Dialogue that can be counted as a separate suggestion and only serves so the NPC isn’t a complete mute everywhere else. For the sake of maintaining simplicity seeing as this is my first contribution/suggestion/fanfiction and to compensate for making Kris potentially have to make awkward eye contact with Alphena as he tries to escape the clutches of Raven Rock, I’m only going to mock up potential dialogue/conversations for good ‘ol classic Rumarin. Mostly because the last time I played Skyrim was two days ago after about two or three months of Hiatus for College and Starbound, and the character I booted up happened to have him in the party. So I’m more familiar with him at the moment than, say, Gorr, Raynes, or Valgus. Apologies to fans of any of those strapping men. If this is successful I will definitely go about writing up dialogue for the other popular iNPCs. Heck, I’ll probably go about it even if it’s not successful.
[> = Option Progresses the Dialogue Tree, – = Option That Does NOT Progress the Dialogue Tree]
EDIT: This thing didn’t like my beautiful links to references. Blame the system, man. I’ll try to fix it, but if you’re reading this before I do fix them, sowie.
Rumarin
[When speaking to Rumarin anywhere in Skyrim following the Cultist Attack and reading the letter]
So what would you say to an overseas trip out of the province?
“Oh, are you actually considering dragging me on one of those boats to Solstheim?”
“The place the Dunmer with the silly sun masks running around seemed very adamant about keeping you out of?”
>I’m not considering. I am.
“Well that’s just grand. For a moment there I feared I wasn’t going to meet my quota of life threatening circumstances and adventures for this month.”
>Gods no! I was thinking something more along the lines of Hammerfell.
“Not that I wouldn’t prefer the searing heat and possibly numerous comments about our straight swords…but I think Solstheim is more within the range of my limited comfort zone.”
>Think of it as a vacation, a breath of fresh air from the colds of Skyrim.
“Fresh air? You’re right, I’m sure all that ash floating about in the air will make for an appreciated change of pace from freezing winds and animal dropping scent.”
“Regardless, I suppose I ultimately have no say in the matter. That said, if you wish for me to tag along as your one friend in a sea of strangers in a foreign land, I would be honored.
“As honored as any other submissive follower submitting to your
every command, anyway.”
“I believe I heard there’s a ship in Windhelm that may be willing to sail to Solstheim and back.”
“Or at least, I’m hoping they also sail back. I’m not signing on for a one-way trip, no matter how good that Sujamma may be.”
[Idle Commentary when in the ash wastes southern half of Solstheim]
“*cough* How is all this ash not bothering you? I mean really, it’s *cough* all over this place! *cough cough cough* Should we head back now?”
[The coughing can be overdramatic depending on how one interprets the subtext of the line. I leave the discretion to the Voice Actor if this is actually used]
“I must say, it’s so weird to see so many Dark Elves not getting constantly discriminated by hammer-minded Nords. Thank you, Windhelm.”
“If you plan on making any smart remarks involving finding a Bound Dagger Spell Tome, I want you to know that I don’t care.”
[Idle Commentary when in the snowy northern half of Solstheim]
“I see we can’t escape frigid winds and freezing snow even when we do leave Skyrim”
“The more we trot about in this frozen waste the more I begin to forget we’re not in Skyrim anymore.”
” “Solstheim’s weather is different” they said. “Red Mountain’s Eruption made it warmer” they said. The only difference I can see on this side of the island is that people wear bears instead of deer and wolves.”
[When approaching a Nordic ruin]
“They have these things here too? Well that’s fantastic. I assume you’ll be wanting to dive in and plunder it of its riches at some point as per the usual?”
[When first entering White Ridge Barrow]
“Hm…dead bandits and a door barred from the outside. The universal sign for “this crypt is unique”. Also the sign for “Stay out of here you idiots”, but as adventurers we never heed such signs.”
[After going further into the cave.]
“Am I the only one concerned about the place being covered in webs?
“I’m no white spider expert, but I’m going to assume the red pulsing orbs are eggs. We should avoid hatching them, if you ask me.”
“Did anyone else notice the fact that the bandits are green, covered in webs, and have spiders sticking out from the back of their necks until they’re dead?”
[After entering White Ridge Sanctum]
“Yet another door barred from the outside. This time protected by two dead Draugr. This crypt must be extra unique.”
[After killing Merilar]
“Was she…throwing those things?”
[Forcegreet after first activating the Imbuing Chamber (not opening the compartment, pulling the switch)]
“Now wait just a damn minute.”
>What’s wrong?
“Nothing significant. Just me struggling to wrap my head around how and why this makes sense.”
>If you have to urinate again just go around the corner.
“Oh I can assure you my bladder has been taken care of between the spider-zombie bandits and the jumping exploding spiders.”
>Ugh. What is it THIS time?
“I’ve reached the point where even if you threatened to cut my tongue off I would refuse to keep quiet. I understand this is a regular occurrence, but that’s beside the point.”
“I’ve seen a lot of weird things in this web-covered slice of Oblivion, but this gizmo just about does it. Let me just make sure I’m understanding this correctly:”
“You essentially rip a spider’s arse off their backside, shove it into this contraption with a gem, pull that one lever in the middle,”
“and out comes a fully living, exploding spider of some variation that you can toss shamelessly at your enemies? And it won’t just turn on you no matter how awkwardly you hold it?”
-Well…when you put it THAT way…
“You say that as if had I worded it something more like “this contraption harvests magic from the souls within gems to create exploding spiders” it would make more sense.”
-Don’t forget the mind controlling spiders. Gods, I must figure out how to make one of those.
“Don’t even get me started on those things, and don’t you dare even consider lobbing one of them at me if you figure it out.”
“What’s next, spiders that leak dwarven oil all over our enemies?” [http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/Oil_Spider_(Scroll)]
-I don’t care how they make sense so long as they give me power.
“Well, I suppose if you keep your thoughts /that/ narrow suddenly the whole world makes sense.”
-I wonder if I can make them carry my items… [http://elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/Pack_Spider_(Scroll)]
“Now that’s just ridiculous. As much as my back would thank you as your pack mule, I have a feeling those fickle Gods would not wish for such luxuries to be allowed to exist.”
>Let’s just move on.
“Works for me. Best to not dwell on the difficult subjects. Seems to work for the daedra-worshipping types.”
“And before you ask: no, don’t expect me to try to utilize one of those things. They didn’t seem to help this “Merilar” person.”
“That, and something about lobbing spiders at enemies solely so they explode seems slightly unethical to me. Slightly.”,
[When entering the open room with the word wall]
“Let’s see…strangely open room, check. Unguarded chest, check. Strangely placed altar, check. Chanting wall that you should know what to do with, check.”
“I’m going to go out on a whim and predict something’s not going to like you approaching that wall or chest.”
[Dukaan appears]
“Oh great, a Dragon priest with a squid mask. Because the spider-possessed bandits and the throwing spiders weren’t enough to worry about in this place.”
[Talking to Rumarin near the Black Book on the Pedestal after Dukaan is dead.]
What do you make of this Black Book, Rumarin?
“Well, from my limited exposure to and failure to grasp Spell Tomes it is pretty clear to me that this book is /not/ a Spell Tome.”
“Spell tomes tend to only /look/ like they’ll take a year to read and usually that ominous rumbling sound is just your empty stomach.”
>We should probably leave it be. It could be a trap.
“I don’t know about “trap”, but ignoring it probably would be the wisest route to take.”
>It’s clearly an artifact of great power. I must read it to see what it contains.
“I would strongly advise against that. Ominous Black Books tend to be attached to dark things. Like, “soul-thirsty kill-happy” things.
>It’s just a book. How bad could it be?
“That sounds like famous last words to me. I hope you’ve written up your will already.”
“I’m personally behind the “ignore and escape” option. Specifically behind the nearest point of cover on the chance you plan on opening it anyway.”
“Something about this book doesn’t sit well with me.”
[Player reads the Black Book, returns from Apocrypha. Forcegreet.]
“Oh, you’re alive! For a moment I was worried I’d have to find my way back to Raven Rock alone. That would have only ended in tragedy.”
“So, how was the book?”
>An absolute nightmare. Darkness and Daedra were around every corner.
“tsk tsk tsk. Well don’t say I didn’t warn you of as much. So what have we learned today, kids? Don’t touch the scary moaning black books.
>It was glorious. Volumes of tomes filled with lost, forbidden knowledge.
“Well that sounds absolutely boring. Wait, do the Dibellan arts count as forbidden knowledge? Don’t answer that, I’d prefer to assume yes so I have something to internally laugh about.”
>The ending was terrible. Something about books within a book followed by a cliffhanger.
“Gods, that does sound awful. I hate those kinds of “inception” books. They overcomplicate the simplest of things and call it good writing. Simply dreadful.
“Well now that that’s taken care of I suggest we take our leave of this place. Solstheim or Skyrim, the caves are still quite damp and claustrophobic.”
Thus concludes my newbie contribution. Trash it, praise it, sue me for copyright infringement like I know was your plan all along, here it is. Since my Creation Kit experience comes down to about Zero Seconds, I probably mucked something up with either the length of certain lines (tried to keep it within a 10-15 second range per quote) or being ignorant of what exactly can “trigger” a line, so if I didn’t get lucky and get it right from the start kindly slap me on the back of my head and edit it as you please.
Farewell, readers of contributuions.